Start scuffle in Footlocker. Try to get salesman to give you a technical.

Try to grate cheese using an escalator.

Offer to pay for things in a)pennies b)acorns c)tales of adventure

Try on biker shorts that are too small for you. Stand in front of mirror scrutinizing fit, often asking sales clerk's opinion.

Teach pet store parrots to say, "I have a prehensile penis and retractable testicles."