All my wife ever does is moan.
I'm starting to think marrying a nymphomaniac wasn't such a great idea.

My wife always sucks in her stomach when she weighs herself.
She knows it makes no difference to her weight.
But its the only way she can see the numbers on the scales.

My wife is down in the dumps today.
Hopefully she'll get buried before anyone spots her.

My wife keeps begging me to buy her a nice new watch for her birthday.
I can't understand why she wants it, there's a clock on the oven already.

My wife really disappointed me this Christmas: she spent weeks getting me all excited, telling me that my present would be the best ever. She told me that it was something that I had been longing for, and that I would always remember, and that I would cherish it forever.
Just imagine my immense disappointment when I discovered that it wasn't a divorce.

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said,
'I don't like the looks of your wife at all,'
'Me neither, Doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

I had a wet dream about my wife the other day. She was drowning.

I was telling my buddy the other that I'm afraid to tell my wife I've broken my new year's resolution already and started smoking again.
"Aren't you worried about the big C word?" he asked.
"Not really," I said. "She's called me a lot worse names than that."

I really hurt my wife during sex last night...
I told her she's not as good as her sister.