Politely tell them, "I'm sorry. I have no free will."

Inquire ardently about their weight, address, sign, and "Openness to new ideas."

If they ask, "Do you live alone?" You answer, "Do voices count?"

Laugh at everything they say. Sometimes break into applause.

Unpromted, tell them what you're wearing. Proceed to misconstrue the conversation as phone sex.

Speak in an indecipherable Scottish accent.

Assume they are your friend, Mitchell. Do not accept otherwise.

Answer their questions but add subtly, "Resistance is futile."

Claim you are in the middle of fixing your lawnmower. Provide pathetic man-made sound effects.