My freshman year of high school, I had a crush on a senior. When I found out she was from Ecuador and tutored Spanish, I decided to fail my next Spanish exam so my teacher would recommend I get a tutor.My goal was to meet with her once a week, have her teach me Spanish and, in the process, make her mi amor. I ended up passing the next exam but failed miserably at seduction. Oh well, I guess that’s why French is the language of love and Spanish isn’t.

I’m a stand-up comic, and I used to run a comedy touring company that went to colleges on the East Coast.I once booked a show in Binghamton*, which was over four hours away, because a friend of mine was showing me the Facebook of a girl he went to high school with who went to college there.She was not only super cute, but she also had seen a video I did and thought it was funny.I convinced myself when this girl would see me perform, she would instantly fall in love with me or something, and I was kinda right.I had a great set, the show was super fun, and she told me she thought I was really funny… when I met her and her boyfriend.I would say this is probably the dumbest and most time-consuming thing I’ve done to meet a girl.

In elementary school, I had a crush on a girl who wrote her fours like ‘4,’ but I wrote my fours without there being a triangle at the top — like, my two top lines of the four were parallel. Does that make sense?Anyways, in hopes of making her think we had more in common, I started writing my fours like she wrote them.She never noticed. And I’ve written the fours like that ever since.

In seventh grade, I hacked into my friend’s Myspace and commented on my own profile saying how weird my crush looked with glasses.I then signed back on my profile and defended her in hopes she would see it. When my friend found out, I denied the whole endeavor until about a year ago.

I used to walk two miles with a gallon of Arizona Iced Tea and just leave it on my ex-girlfriend’s door step.It was her favorite drink, and I was grounded, so I’d sneak out every night to make this delivery.

I went to a f*cking OAR concert.

Well, four years ago, I was with my best friend who was on every dating site you can imagine, and he always asked me to tag along. One night, he asked if I wanted to hang out with some girls, and I was all for it. So he called the girl because she had a friend for me and we could introduce each other before we met. After we said our names, she asked what I look like, and at the time we were watching ‘Law Abiding Citizen’ with Gerard Butler, so my immediate response was, ‘I’m a heavy-set Gerard Butler.’ She seemed to like that. Been together for four years since. — Dan, who doesn’t look like Gerard Butler

I moved to NY, started a company, geared it toward females so she’d read it, sold it and got in Forbes’ ’30 Under 30′ so she and her family would vouch for me and rekindle our love.

I offered a girl a green card.

In my media history class, day one, I sat next to the cute girl in class, solidifying my place by her side for the entire semester.She was a fixture at the school paper while I was just a come-and-go writer, more concerned with partying than establishing a portfolio — so I knew her, but we were far from a first-name basis.Then, one day, I went to do laundry in the communal laundry room, and it was flooded.I then saw, shortly after, a tweet from her saying something along the lines of ‘I broke the washing machine, and the whole room is flooded.’The next day in class, I handed her a list of instructions on how to do laundry. She thought it was really cute and endearing, asked me to a dinner later that day, and we dated for two years.