“I don’t know if I’m the only one who has ever thought of doing this, but I had this long running fantasy of sticking my dick into the hose of a vacuum cleaner, turning it on, and having it suck me off. One day, when my entire family went to an event leaving me at home, I decided to seize upon this opportunity and try it out. There were several problems to contend with, however. The first of these problems was the fact that the wet-dry vac I was using(for fear of what jizz would do to the inside of a dry-only vacuum) wasn’t the cleanest thing in the world. Not only that, but the hose head had a slight lip around it that had become almost jagged from scraping away at the floor. What made this even less comfortable is that I didn’t even have any lubricant, so I just tried to use shampoo to reduce friction. Sliding it in wasn’t very pleasant, but what I had failed to take into consideration was the fact that my dick wasn’t exactly as wide as the vacuum cleaner hose was, so when I turned the thing on, my dick started violently knocking into the inner wall of the hose. At this point, my windsock of a dick starts to hurt a little bit. Even still, I decide to try a little harder. That is when I realized my ultimate misstep: I had no idea what to do with the hose to get me off. So, I started in the most natural place to start, which, for me, was rubbing it up and down my shaft. Remember that jagged ring around the end of the hose? Well, I didn’t, at least until I start sliding the hose down, at which point I felt as if a million little knives were cutting into my dick, a problem only exacerbated by the lack of lubrication. Any resistance provided by the shampoo was lost to the suction of the vacuum cleaner.”

“At this point, I decided that there was truly no point in continuing, because I was in far too much pain to get off. So, I slid the hose off of my dick before turning the machine off. That was my last mistake. I should have turned the thing off first, because when I was sliding my dick out, it rattled even more violently the less that was in there, to the point where the head was getting bounced like a beach ball against the jagged edge of the hose. That was the worst of the pain for sure. When I finally recovered my dick from the vacuum cleaner, it was beet red. I had gotten properly tenderized. There were parts that had a little skin scraped off which started to scab shortly thereafter. Between the soreness and the scabbing, I was unable to masturbate for a week, and it was mildly painful for the rest of the month. TL;DR: Stuck my dick into the hose of a vacuum cleaner to try to get off, got tenderized so bad I was unable to masturbate for the better part of a month. But, hey, at least I didn’t get an infection!”

Let this be a lesson, boys. If you want to take your self pleasure game to the next level