Ducktape...I don’t need spooky Duck Tape. No one does. F*ck off.Out of all of the holidays that happen during the year, there are only two where it is considered socially acceptable to go bonkers crazy with decorations — one is Christmas, and the other is Flag Day. But in a distant third is Halloween. Sure, All Hallow's Eve is no Flag Day, but it does lend itself to a season of spookiness that often means decorating houses and yards with lots of excessive crap that will stay in storage for 11 months out of the year (10 months if you count yourself amount the 6 million Americans that celebrate "Haunted Thanksgiving").

I guess it makes sense if your whole bathroom is so terrifying that it literally scares the crap out of you. This way, you at least have something to help clean up afterwards.

BOO BARS...My dog treats don’t need to be spooky! They are for my dog! He hates Halloween! The doorbell is constantly ringing and I have to keep him locked up so he doesn’t attack a trick-or-treater. Halloween is my dog’s worst nightmare. Also, if I had to list things that dogs naturally eat in the wild, pumpkin and cinnamon would probably not crack the top ten.

First of all, is this for people who already own a Big Mouth Billy Bass, want to leave that decoration on their wall because it completes the room, but then also want to get festive with Halloween? I would hope that market is impossible small, but I guess it isn't. Also, Billy Bones makes sense that it is the bones of Billy Bass so the pun works on that level, but Billy Bones is also a character in Treasure Island (played expertly by Billy Connolly in the Muppets version) and a super weird allusion to make — even in the Muppet version, he was a human, and not a dead fish.

Cadbury Screme Egg...Same goes for you, Cadbury Eggs — leave Halloween alone. You're a damn Easter candy. Also, you look disgusting. Like, I am already doing mental gymnastic every time I eat a regular egg to convince myself I'm not eating unborn chicken embryo. Making the yolk all green isn’t helping.

Minion Halloween Streamers...Actually, I'm really glad this exists. For a moment there, I was worried about how I'd decorate my Minions-themed Halloween party, but now I can move on to more important questions like how I am going to decorate my Minions-themed Thanksgiving and Minions-themed wake.

TruMoo Milk...Something about the phrase "scary milk" does not make me thirsty

HAND SOAP...Are you trying to scare the germs away? That’s not how science works. You have to kill the germs violently, with no emotion, and leave their dead germ bodies on your hands, and then go back to casually eating your potato chips. (This is actually a better Halloween marketing campaign because it sounds like something a serial killer would do.)

STARBURST...This is just one example of the hundreds of candy companies that make special "Halloween" versions of candy, which is insane, because surely they know people would buy just the regular candy to give to trick-or-treaters anyway? Right? What is particularly egregious about this Spooky Starburst, though, is that it is clearly NOT marketed for trick-or-treaters. It's a just a large-ass personal bag of Starbursts that you're supposed to eat by yourself at Halloween time. In fairness to the company, that is spooky, since diabetes is real and can kill you

Halloween Peeps...Get the f*ck out of here Peeps! You already have your own goddamn holiday! Stop trying to horn in on Halloween! You don’t see fake plastic spiders showing up on Easter, do you? No, they respect the Holiday Treaty of 1783 and keep well within the lines of governance laid down by Santa, Jack O’ Lantern, Christopher Columbus, Flaggy the Flag, The Easter Bunny, The Dark Lord Satan, and the rest of the high council of Holiday Mascots.