Mayonnnaise Man - You know exactly where this is going. The mayonnaise man would squirt globs of mayonnaise onto unsuspecting school girls. Get it? Because mayonnaise and cum are both white. And edible. Sure. Whatever. There’s still only one you want on your goddamn sandwiches.

The All-Time Greatest Panty Thief - Stealing women’s underwear is kind of an epidemic in Japan. A 55 year old man was arrested for this exact crime, and when police came to investigate his house they found more than 3,000 stolen pairs of women’s underwear. IMO he's either a prolific pervert or a broke-ass drag queen. Perhaps both?

Man Arrested for Stealing Sweaty Male Athlete’s Uniforms - A gay man was arrested for stealing the worn uniforms of soccer players from a club in Osaka. The man said he got off on the smell of male athlete's sweaty clothes after they’ve exercised. You go, smelly freak. You break those gay cleanliness stereotypes with your nasty shit.

Stealing Pussy Flavored Bicycle Seats - A man was arrested for stealing more than 200 bicycle seats that belonged to women because he liked “the way they smelled and tasted”. Unrelated but important: Pussy Flavored Bicycle Seats sounds like the name of a fucking terrible feminist punk band (no, internet trolls, there isn’t any other kind of feminist punk band). Like a Japanese Pussy Riot.

Man Arrested for Stealing Female Mannequin Torsos - A 50 year old man was arrested for stealing female mannequin torsos from a women’s clothing store, and more torsos were found at his house. Yup, just the torsos. I don’t know, use your imagination. This guy clearly did.

The Drain-Dwelling Pervert Who Wants to Be Reborn as Pavement - Again, upskirt photos are no new concept in the world of fetish crimes. But, yet again, Japan takes an average fetish and re-ups on the weird. A 28 year old man was arrested hiding in a sewer and taking pictures up women’s skirts. When he was arrested he told police he hoped he was a “part of pavement in the next life”.

Man With Leg Fetish Arrested for Stalking and Stealing High Heels - It’s a tale as old as time. Man sees woman with nice legs. Man stalks woman with nice legs. Man breaks into the house of the woman with nice legs and steals her nice shoes that probably show off her nice calf muscles. Man also steals her email address and then emails her pictures of her nice shoes while saying creepy stalker shit like “I have your treasure”. When police searched his house they found more than 60 stolen pairs of women’s heels and, of course, lots and lots of women’s underwear.