ACCOUNTANTS are good with figures.

ACTORS do it on cue.

ADVERTISERS use the "new, improved" method.

AMBULANCE DRIVERS come quicker.

ANSI does it in the standard way.

ARCHAEOLOGISTS like it old.

ARCHITECTS have great plans.

ARTISTS are exhibitionists.

ASSEMBLY LINE WORKERS do it over and over.

ASTRONOMERS do it with Uranus.

ATTORNEYS make better motions.

AUDITORS like to examine figures.

BABY-SITTERS charge by the hour.

BAILIFFS always come to order.

BAKERS knead it daily.

BAND MEMBERS play all night.

BANKERS do it with interest - penalty for early withdrawal.

BARBERS do it with shear pleasure.

BARTENDERS do it on the rocks.

BASEBALL PLAYERS make it to first base.

BASKETBALL PLAYERS score more often.

BEEKEEPERS like to eat their honey.

BEER BREWERS do it with more hops.

BEER DRINKERS get more head.

BICYCLISTS do it with 10 speeds.

BOOKKEEPERS do it with double entry

BOSSES delegate the task to others.

BOWLERS have bigger balls.

BRICKLAYERS lay all day.

BRIDGE PLAYERS try to get a rubber.

BUS DRIVERS come early and pull out on time.

BUTCHERS have better meat.

C'Bers do it on the air.

CAMPERS do it in a tent.

CARPENTERS hammer it harder.

CARPET LAYERS do it on the floor.

CHEERLEADERS do it with more enthusiasm.

CHEMISTS like to experiment.

CHESSPLAYERS check their mates.

CHIROPRACTORS do it by manipulation.

CLOCK MAKERS do it mechanically

CLOWNS do it for laughs.

COACHES whistle while they work.

COBOL PROGRAMMERS do it with bugs

COCKTAIL WAITRESSES serve highballs.

COMPUTER GAME PLAYERS just can't stop.

COMPUTER OPERATORS get the most out of their software.

CONSTRUCTION WORKERS lay a better foundation.

CONSULTANTS tell other how to do it.

COPS have bigger guns

COWBOYS handle anything horny.

COWGIRLS like to ride bareback.

CRANE OPERATORS have swinging balls.

CREDIT MANAGERS always collect.

DANCERS do it in leaps and bounds.

DEADHEADS do it with Jerry.

DEER HUNTERS will do anything for a buck.

DENTAL HYGIENISTS do it till it hurts.

DENTISTS do it in your mouth.

DETECTIVES do it under cover.

DIETITIANS eat better.

DIRECT MAILERS get it in the sack.

DIVERS do it deeper.

DOCTORS do it with patience.

DRUGGISTS fill your prescription.

DRUMMERS do it in 4/4 time.

DRYWALLERS are better bangers.

ELECTRICIANS check your shorts.

ENGINEERS charge by the hour.

EXECUTIVES have large staffs.

FARMERS spread it around.

FIREMEN are always in heat.

FISHERMEN are proud of their rods.

FOOTBALL PLAYERS are measured by the yard.

FOUR-WHEELERS eat more bush.

FURRIERS appreciate good beaver.

GARBAGEMEN come once a week.

GARDENERS have 50 foot hoses.

GAS STATION ATTENDANTS pump all day.

GEOLOGISTS are great explorers.

GOLFERS do it in 18 holes.

GYMNASTS mount and dismount well.

HACKERS do it with fewer instructions

HAIRDRESSERS give the best blow jobs.

HAM OPERATORS do it with frequency.

HANDYMEN like good screws.

HEWLETT PACKARD does it with precision

HORSEBACK RIDERS stay in the saddle longer.

HUNTERS do it with a bang.

INSURANCE SALESMEN are premium lovers.

INTERIOR DECORATORS do it all over the house.

INVENTORS find a way.

JANITORS clean up afterwards.

JEWELERS mount real gems.

JOGGERS do it on the run.

LANDSCAPERS plant it deeper.

LAWYERS do it in their briefs.

LIBRARIANS do it quietly.

LOCKSMITHS can get into anything.

LONG DISTANCE RUNNERS last longer.

MACHINISTS make the best screws.

MAGICIANS are quicker than the eye.

MAINTENANCE MEN sweep 'em off their feet.

MANAGERS supervise others.

MECHANICS have all the right tools.

MARKETING REPS. do it on commission

MILKMEN deliver twice a week

MILLIONAIRES pay to have it done.

MINERS sink deeper shafts.

MINISTERS do it on Sundays.

MISSILEMEN have better thrust.

MODELS do it in any position.

MODEM MANUFACTURERS do it with all sorts of characters

MOTORCYCLISTS like something hot between their legs.

MOVIE STARS do it on film.

MUSICIANS do it with rhythm.

NON-SMOKERS do it without huffing and puffing.

NURSES call the shots.

OCEANOGRAPHERS do it down under.

OPERATORS do it person-to-person.

OPTOMETRISTS do it face-to-face.

PAINTERS do it with longer strokes.

PARAMEDICS can revive anything.

PHOTOGRAPHERS do it with a flash.

PHYSICISTS do it with uniform harmonic motion

PILOTS keep it up longer.

PLUMBERS do it under the sink.

POLICEMEN like big busts.

POLITICIANS do it for 4 years then have to get re-erected.

POSTMEN come slower.

PRINTERS do it without wrinkling the sheets.

PRINTERS reproduce the fastest.

PROCTOLOGISTS do it in the end.

PROFESSORS do it by the book.

RACERS like to come in first.

RACQUETBALL PLAYERS do it off the wall.

RADIO and TV ANNOUNCERS broadcast it.

REAL ESTATE PEOPLE know all the prime spots.

RECYCLERS use it again.

REPAIRMEN can fix anything.

REPORTERS do it daily.

RESEARCHERS are still looking for it.

RETAILERS move their merchandise.

ROOFERS do it on top.

RUNNERS get into more pants.

SAILORS like to be blown.

SALESPEOPLE have away with their tongues.

SCIENTISTS discovered it.

SECRETARIES do it from 9 to 5.

SKYDIVERS are good till the last drop.

SOCCER PLAYERS have leather balls.

SPEECH PATHOLOGISTS are oral specialists.

SPELUNKERS do it underground.

SPORTSCASTERS like an instant replay.

STEWARDESSES do it in the air.

STUDENTS use their heads.

SURGEONS are smooth operators.

TAILORS make it fit.

TAXI DRIVERS do it all over town.

TAXIDERMISTS mount anything.

TELEPHONE CO. EMPLOYEES let their fingers do the walking.

TELLERS can handle all deposits and withdrawals.

TENNIS PLAYERS have fuzzy balls.

TRUCK DRIVERS have bigger dipsticks.

TRUCKERS carry bigger loads.

TYPISTS do it in triplicate.

VETERINARIANS are pussy lovers.

VOLLEYBALL PLAYERS keep it up.

WAITRESSES serve it piping hot.

WATER SKIERS come down harder.

WELDERS have hotter rods.

WRESTLERS know the best holds.

WRITERS have novel ways.

I just thought of a good point to make to the government on some of their laws.  This has been bothering me for awhile.  Now that I'm 18 years old, I got a question for everyone.  I'm old enough now to vote and join the army to go fight and die for my country but I'm not old enough to buy beer or go into a casino.  In my opinion, this doesn't really make any sense to me.  This law needs to be changed.  I just wanted everyone's take on this so comment, rate, and let me know what you think or if you agree or disagree.

You're not sure of:

THE DOCTOR because he says, "Take off your clothes."

THE DENTIST because he says, "Open wide."

THE HAIRDRESSER because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown?"

THE MILKMAN because he says, "Do you want it in the front or the back?"

THE INTERIOR DECORATOR because he says, "Once it's in, you'll love it."

THE STOCK BROKER because he says, "It will rise right up, fluctuate for a while and then slowly fall back again."

THE BANKER because he says, "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest."

THE HUNTER because he goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.

THE TELEPHONE GUY because he says, "Would you like it on the table or against the wall?"

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast; bacon, eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Grapefruit with coffee to follow?

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Perhaps a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

Come tea time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She'll go to the cafe and buy him a burger. Maybe a steak and cheese pie? Pizza? Or a tasty stir fry that would only take a couple of minutes?

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite."

"Well," she says, "would you mind getting off me? I'm fucking starving!"

Bartender: "Joe, you look kinda down, what's the matter?"

Joe: "Well, I went to the doctor this morning and told him I had to get some of those Viagra pills. The doctor told me they wouldn't help my love life at all."

Bartender: "Why not? I thought that they would do the trick for any guy."

Joe: "The doctor told me it wouldn't help me at all to put a good flag pole on such a worn out old building!"

SLOGANS FOR VIAGRA

"Viagra, the quicker, dicker upper."
"Viagra, one-a-day, like iron."
"Viagra, when it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight."
"Viagra, home of the whopper."
"Viagra, it plumps when you take 'em."
"Viagra, strong enough for a man, but made for a woman."
"Viagra, tastes great, less filling."
"Viagra, ten inches long...and growing."
"Viagra, we work harder, so you don't have to."
"This is your penis. This is your penis on Viagra. Any questions?"
"Get a piece of the rock."
"You've come a long way, baby!"
"Viagra, built ram tough."
"Here's the beef!"
"Just do her."

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?"

The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."

The pharmacist said, "That won't do you any good."

The elderly gentleman said, "That's alright. I don't need them for sex anymore as I am over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."

Good girls blush during love scenes in a movie. Bad girls know they could do it better.

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot. Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it. Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.

Good girls pack their toothbrush. Bad girls pack their diaphragms.

Good girls prefer the missionary position. Bad girls do too, but only for starters.

Good girls say, "No." Bad girls say, "When?"

Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls. Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.

Good girls wax their floors. Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

Good girls wear high heels to work. Bad girls wear high heels to bed.

CAUCASIAN WOMAN:

First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.

Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.

Third date: You get to have sex in the missionary position. Then you promise to marry her but will probably abandon the idea.



JAPANESE WOMAN:

First date: She's shy, so you don't get to kiss her at all.

Second date: She'll take a bath in front of you and let you smell her panties.

Third date: You get to have kinky sex with her. Then she will bid you sayonara as that was her fling before getting married to a Japanese man.



MALAY WOMAN:

First date: You get to touch that big breast of hers.

Second date: You get to home base with her.

Third date: You have to promise her that you are gonna get circumcised. Then you will marry her and find out that you have to support her whole family. The only consolation is that you get to repeat the procedure three other times as allowed under Muslim law.



CHINESE WOMAN:

First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happened.

Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but nothing happens either.

Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you have already realized nothing is going to happen.



INDIAN WOMAN:

First date: Meet her parents.

Second date: Set the date of the wedding.

Third date: Wedding night.



BLACK WOMAN:

First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.

Second Date: Your get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.

Third Date: You get to pay her rent.



JEWISH WOMAN:

First Date: You get a dynamite blowjob.

Second Date: You get another great blowjob.

Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.



MEXICAN WOMAN:

First Date: You give her $20 and have really good sex.

Second Date: you give $25 and have really good sex with her younger sister.

Third Date: You give her $30 and have sex with her younger brother.



IRISH WOMAN:

First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

17. "I finished the Oreo's."

16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."

15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Anderson had a baby."

14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever."

13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the SuperBowl."

12. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."

11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."

10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"

9. "I'm jealous. Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"

8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"

7. "Get your *own* ice cream."

6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."

5. "Got milk?"

4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."

3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"

2. "Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."

And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant...

1. "You don't have the guts to pull that trigger."

Q. How do you teach a blond math?
A. Subtract her clothes, divide her legs, and square root her.

Q. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
A. 45 lbs.

Q. What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
A. 100 people who don't do dick.

Q. What do you call it when someone farts in a gay bar?
A. A love call.

Q. How do you give a blind queer a thrill?
A. Leave the plunger in the toilet.

Q. How do lesbians handle their liquor?
A. By the ears. (Lick her)

Q. What do tight pants and a cheap motel have in common?
A. No ball room

Q. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A. The position of the dirt bag.

Q. What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
A. Doughnuts.

Q. Did you hear about the guy who died of Viagra overdose?
A. They couldn't close his casket.

Q. Which is the odd one out a woman, a microwave or a fridge/freezer?
A. The microwave, the other two leak when they're fucked!

Q. What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?
A. Dicktator

Q. How do you make a snooker table laugh.
A. Put your hands in its pocket and tickle its balls.

Something strange has been happening to my account over the past week.  For no reason, when I'm on here, my account all of the sudden just freezes on me and I can't get any more eRep points.  Then it takes my account about 12-24 hours for it to go back to normal again.  This has happened to me like 5 or 6 times now.  I don't know why eBaum keeps freezing my account.  Because of this, I lost out on several hundreds of points.  In addition, sometimes I don't get my 20 point bonuses for getting another 100 views on my uploads.  If anyone has ever experienced any of these problems and/or has a solution to fixing it, please comment and help me out so we can do something about it.

* A clitoris is a type of flower.

* A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.

* "Spread eagle" is an extinct bird.

* Vagina is a medical term used to describe a heart attack.

* A menstrual cycle has three wheels.

* A G-string is part of a fiddle.

* Semen is a term for sailors.

* Anus is a Latin term for sailors.

* Testicles are found on an octopus.

* Asphalt describes rectal problems.

* KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati.

* Masturbate is a lure used to catch large fish.

* Coitus is a musical instrument.

* Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke.

* An umbilical chord is part of a parachute.

* A condom is a large apartment complex.

* An orgasm is a musician who accompanies a church choir.

* A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.

* A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle.

* An erection is when Japanese people vote.

* A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.

* Sodomy is a special variety of fast growing grass.

* Pornography is the business of making records.

* Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin.

* Douche is the French word for "two."

(and what they actually mean)



10. I think of you as a brother.
(You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")

9. There's a slight difference in our ages.
(You are one Jurassic geezer.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
(You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)

7. My life is too complicated right now.
(I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)

6. I've got a boyfriend.
(Who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.)

5. I don't date men where I work.
(Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)

4. It's not you, it's me.
(It's not me, it's you.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career.
(Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

2. I'm celibate.
(I've sworn off only the men like you.)

1. Let's be friends.
(I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with.)

The prizes that are available for redeeming your eRep points haven't really changed over the past several months.  There are some good prizes but they are either way too many points or there aren't enough of them.  I think that eBaum needs to start adding a few more prizes to the prize list to put more variety in the prizes.  One suggestion I have would be to have eBaum let us redeem our points for cash.  Part of the system could be where for every 10 eRep points you have, you get 1-4 cents or something like that.  Also, he could have it where the more featured uploads you have, the more money you get paid for your points.  Since eBaum said that your user level would get you a higher status and more perks on this site, he could use my idea for this.   This is just off the top of my head but if we get enough people to agree with this idea, maybe eBaum will consider it.

- In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)

- In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

- Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick?)

- The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Wonder which head?)

- There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

- In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)

- Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)

- In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)

- In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

- In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." (Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam, however)

Coin Toss = Asking them out

Kickoff = Holding hands

1st Down = Kissing

2nd Down = Up the shirt

3rd Down = Down south

4th Down = Oral action

Touchdown = Shaggin'

Victory Dance = Smoking afterwards

Time Out = The guy needs more time/can't get it up

Incompletion = Guy can't get off

Interception = Someone walks in on the two of you

Offsides = Gay person/Gay action

Flag on the play = Unwanted Advances

Delay of game = Girl has her period

Hail Mary = Not sure the other one wants it, but you go for it anyway

Hike = Up the rear

Reverse = 69

Sack = Girl takes control and gets frisky

2pt. conversion = Multiple orgasms

Prevent Defense = Condom/protection

Face Mask = Guy pulls girl head down to blow him

Shotgun = Touchdown in a car

Two minute warning = Guy gives the girl a warning before he blows his load

Holding = Cuddling

Superbowl = Wedding or Prom night

Huddle = Multiple participants

Madden '99 = Cybersex

Instant replay = When you tape the two of you having sex

Illegal use of the hands = Masturbation

Ball Hog = Slut

Onside Kick = Making up after a fight

Double Header = Two mates in the same night

Tight End = Virgin

Wide Receiver = Girl that's loose

False Start = Guy/Girl gets shut down (denied)

Pass Interference = Some stupid kid interrupts before you can get some

Fumble = Cheating (problem in the relationship)

Putting it through the uprights = Self explanatory

Special Teams = Prostitute/Gigolo

Unsportsmanlike Conduct = Bragging to your friends about your activities

Double Coverage = Two condoms

Handoff = Handjob