"Write drunk, edit sober." Ernest Hemingway

2nd entry in honor of the great Hemingway's advice

- It's hard to tell when artists like the Flaming Lips or Beck are going for absurdity or metaphor.

- Whenever a cat meows at me, I always meow back.  It just seems rude not to.

- A man realizes everything that is presently happening to him is exactly what happened in a dream he had the night before.  He's terrified because he died at the end of the dream.

*sober author's note - I think this was supposed to be some great idea for a thriller screenplay, or something.

- In movies and television, whenever a character vomits, it always just sounds like they're coughing.  If it's a grittier program, there might be a soft grunt followed by a gurgle.  I don't know about you, but when I'm heaving, I sound like Chunk from The Goonies, fake-puking over the side of a movie theater balcony.

- A purist is someone who refuses to see their childhood ideals compromised or threatened.

- Think I'm addicted to caffeine.  One cup of coffee changes me to completely unmotivated with a terrible self-esteem to motivated with a rosy outlook on the future; From unemployment line fodder to employee of the month.  That's a red flag, isn't it? 

*sober author's note - wtf am I talking about? Everyone that drinks coffee is like that.

- I love the way I think when I'm under the influence.  I look at things on so many different levels.  Not as much ponderous thinking as it is being able to think several moves ahead.  I should try to play chess high.

     Strike that, I don't think on more levels while high, I just go through every level slower, taking in more of the scenery.  I consider every dust mote of thought as it floats by my brain.  It's like the director's cut of my mind.

- Too many people think they're not an asshole for littering in a park, because there's someone hired for the specific purpose of taking care of such things.  They don't stop to consider that the job was created by a realist who knew assholes who don't pick up after themselves exist.  In a perfect world, that dude's job equipment would remain the same, but his modus operandi would be different.  The trash bag would be pulled over the head of the offender, and the pointy stick would be used to jab them in the ass until they finally smartened up and picked up their empty goddam Starbucks cup.

- If I were to ever become a radio disc jockey, I'd aspire to be the kind that makes you drive past your exit, because the playlist they're on is just too good make you want to go home just yet, and you'd only turn around and head back because the station's signal has started to fade.

- When you spill your beer on a $1,000.00 carpet, and you're more concerned about the booze than the rug, you may be an alcoholic.

- Americans are so ethnocentric I'll bet many would be shocked to learn that the Civil War is not part of the regular school history curriculum in Ireland or France

- Just realized it was very ethnocentric of me to refer to it as "the Civil War" and not "the American Civil War".

- I wonder whats going through the minds of the type of people that always think people are hitting on them.

     "Would you like to hear some of our specials toda-"

     "I'm flattered, but I don't even know you, and I have a boyfriend."

- A private apology for a public humiliation is an even bigger insult.

- I think my hair just moved on its own.

- Sometimes I feel like a little kid playing grown-up, or like I'm the whacky sitcom neighbor and the world is my straight-man that says things like "Yeah, nobody buys bullshit like that from anyone past high school.  Actually, they didn't buy it back then either.  They just didn't bother to engage you in a debate, because you were just an insignificant little shit in high school."

-I nearly grabbed a handful of pistachio shells and chomped down hard on them, because I forgot I had discarded them in an empty parmesan goldfish bag.  Thought I stumbled upon a forgotten treasure;  The same feeling you get when you find a bill, no matter how small, in a jacket you haven't worn in eight months.

-Idealism is the unwillingness to bargain with the harsh realities of life

-Holy shit, blowing and sucking on the exact same part of a harmonica produces different notes! (epiphany while listening to "Take the Long Way Home" by Supertramp)

-A scab is a scab, unless it's inside your nose.  Then it's a booger.

-The eccentric  billionaire that says things like "I like you kid.  You're wiry, and I know the wiry ones work the hardest,"  seems crazy, until you remember  that it's unusual instincts like that that made him rich.

-Overseeing production of the turd-shaped boulders for the AFX race car track playset rock hazard; Yes, somebody in China actually has this job.

-A student is given an expulsion from school not because it's the most appropriate level of punishment, but because the faculty is absolutely done dealing with him.

-Orange and Orlando Bloom are synonyms.

-If a porn link shows up randomly on a woman's Facebook wall, everyone assumes shes been hacked.  If a porn link shows up on a man's  Facebook wall, everyone assumes he accidentally hit the share button while whacking off.

-If I ever get the urge to try auto-erotic asphyxiation, I'll write a suicide note first, just in case.  Suicide is less embarrassing than wanking to death.

-Most kids have that one word they can't pronounce, but they're sure its everyone else that's mispronouncing it.  I wonder if one of the ways that misconception is developed is when they hear one persons accent, and apply that accent to someone someone else says, because they remind them of the person with the accent.

*Sober Author's Note - "lolwut?"

-Girls who are uncomfortable with confrontation will often bring a friend along to give them courage when facing problems.  Unfortunately, what she sees as moral support is seen as a gang-up by everyone else.

-When I was little and pointed a toy pistol at my Dad, he put his hand up and told me to never aim a gun at someone, even if it's fake.  Then, I thought it was about respect.  Now, I think he may have been trying to prevent me from accidentally being shot by a cop.

-I wonder if the term "spick n span" has racist origins.  With the number of Latin house maids, it's very possible.

-Everyone always tries to find the right thing to say whenever a friend is in pain.  There's no way to not sound cliché and insulting doing this, so its best to just get them a beer and put an arm around them.

-I hate the song "Splish Splash, I was Takin a Bath".  It's stupid enough by itself, but hearing it also makes me instantly visualize shitty "Americas Funniest Home Videos" montages of kids with shampoo mohawks pulling cats into the tub with them.

It's time to say goodbye to this place, at least for a good long while.  It is infested right now, and there are other places to write.  Dangle's blog just got one-starred five times by users I've never even heard of, and was probably flagged, and there's no solution given for this problem in sight.

If anyone cares to know where I plan on posting future works, or would like me to check out with their posts, just message me.  I'll still stop by to watch nut-shot vids.

It's been fun.  Mods, good luck.

Hi, I'm back with another trying-to-look-busy blog.  The following is a collection of both epiphanies I've had about creating art and some of the best advice I've received on the subject.

There are No Lines in Real Life - The first time my Drawing I professor said this to me, I was like "WTF are you talking about?"  He pointed at the long crack, where the cork board wall met the cement floor.

"Is that a line?" He asked.

"No." I answered, after thinking about it a second or two. 

There are no lines, only points where light and shadow meet.  We use lines to draft and separate objects when we transfer it to paper, but those lines don't actually exist beyond our imaginations.  In a formal still life drawing, you should not be able to see them once the piece is complete.  Practicing your technique under this idea will help you develop your understanding of color and gray scale.  You'll also learn the more shades you omit, the more stark your composition will be, if you want to make something really glow, like a candle in a dark room for example, or an illuminated window at night.

You should note that the key phrase here is "real life".  Lines obviously aren't always taboo in 2-dimensional art, but they are when you're trying to draw or paint like the classical masters.  Why would you want to do this?  It's not a bad idea to learn the rules before you break them.  Who knows, it may also help you develop your style.

Study Your Subject - If you put an apple in front of a person and a pad and pencil in their hands, and tell them "Draw the apple," 9 times out of 10, they will produce a sketch of a heart-like shape with a stem and a perfect leaf.  Some more creative types may even draw a worm with a smiley face poking out of the side.  That's great, they drew an apple.  The problem is, they didn't draw that apple.  The one that I put in front of them that is more of an oblong oval with a dent in one side of it and a dark bruise on the other.

Have you ever seen an artist at an easel holding up their thumb or a pencil while painting a still life?  What they're doing is called "angling and measuring".  They're using the lines in their thumb, or markings of their pencil, to measure objects, how they rest in relation to everything else in the composition, and the angle they sit at.  It's really a just means of studying the object.  Understanding the subject is important if you want to be really successful in capturing it.

Dynamics; Learn to Use Them - Small and large, dark and light, sharp and blurry, bright and dull;  I cannot stress how much learning to pay attention to these things helped my drawings and paintings come to life.  Being mindful of the fact that as things become more distant, they typically become smaller, darker and blurrier is something that will make even an abstract piece pop, and become more appealing to the eye.

If You Want to be Great at Anything, You Have to Become Obsessed - Half-assing it may keep you from getting fired at your menial job, but when it comes to art, it's harder to fool people than you think.  For every person that can only play the main riff from "Come As You Are" and claims to be a musician, there is a person that has seen a Jackson Pollock painting, who thinks they can sell their paint spatters for thousands.  There's always a hack that thinks they can sell a rotting recliner they found on the corner as-is, and call it art.   A real artist is obsessed. 

You can see it in the bloggers here, and how obsessive they are about grammar, and how quickly scorn is descended on those who type in 1337, or who would dare try to serve up the copy/pasta special.  It's the same with artists, and any real buyer of art.  You can't fake it.  Anyone that has before was just a fluke, and you'd have a better chance at winning the lottery.  You have to come original and really care.  If you don't, it's going to show.  It doesn't matter if you're working with realism or abstract.  I didn't get this pale complexion by not sitting inside, drawing every leaf on the tree, and fussing about how the negative space interacts with the positive.

Organic Flow - "In a Successful Composition, Everything Should Look Like it Fell Out of the Sky and Landed in the Perfect Spot" My 'Intro To Graphic Design' professor told me this, as I was trying to squeeze some text in a background picture that was too confined.  It's also a concept I'd learned from my 2-dimensional design class.  All through high school, my drawings were very central, meaning I tended to put the subject right smack-dab in the middle of the paper, with little to no consideration for the rest of the composition.  Only later did I realize how important it was to consider how everything worked together, and how it made the viewer's eye travel around the picture, in a way that makes it appeal to them and they don't know why.  If you understand how to make an interesting composition, you should be able to make a picture of a dried-up dog turd beautiful...Okay, maybe not, but you get the idea.

Abstract Art Actually Isn't a Total Crock - I was very cynical about abstract art when I entered art school.  I thought it was the work of grifters and those annoying hipster and trustafarian kids.  Okay, often times it is, but there's so much more to it than I originally thought.  When I'd see a crowd of admirers around an abstract painting at the MFA, I'd think "The Emperor has no clothes".  

With the invention of the photograph, realism and classical painting was quickly on the way out.  With new tools to capture scenes with perfect accuracy, the need and market for the classical painter sharply began to wane.  This gave birth to movements such as pointillism and impressionism, a break from total realism.  The art world quickly began evolving and brought in new genres like surrealism, cubism and dadaism.  Pure abstract wasn't far behind, and paintings named "Untitled" and "Blue #5" soon flooded the art world.  

The thing about abstract art that entices the audience is use of color, dynamics, composition, and depth, without using a recognizable object to hook the viewer.  It's harder to create a worthwhile abstract painting than you think, and being able to do so only makes you a better creator of realism, like lightsaber training with the blast shield down.      

Reference: Use It - Reference is always useful.  If you're drawing a city scape, find pictures of a city and search for elements to inspire you.  It will always improve your composition, as opposed to drawing exclusively from your head.  It's important when drawing people as well.  Pictures of real individuals will help you give distinct features to your characters.  If you work without reference consistently, all of your subjects, especially people, start to look the same.  This is true for everyone. 

Use Black VERY Sparingly - I'm referring to color paintings here, not black and white compositions, obviously.  I can't tell you how many pieces I've seen ruined by artists that don't know any better not to use black, whether it's mixing it with other paint to create a darker shade or just using straight black.  The one exception to the mixing with black rule is some blues.  Otherwise, avoid mixing with black all together.  

One thing that black does is stick out like a sore thumb in a composition of color.  If there's a large area of pure black, it looks tacked on and just takes away any subtlety you were trying to add.  It deadens the image.  If you want to paint a dark area, learn how to mix a nice black using other colors on your palette.  I'm not sure why this works, but it just  makes the painting a cohesive composition, which is what you typically want.    

Work the Visual Magic - As opposed to still life painting, where you try to be as true to reality as possible, as an illustrator, you should try to be as interesting as possible when you lay down your message on a canvas.  The thing about being an 2-dimensional artist that isn't a photographer is that you have to power to show things in a fantastic way.  You should always try to construct a scene in a fashion that you wouldn't be able to capture in a photograph.  This could be achieved stylistically or through POV.  Think about what you are going to draw or paint, and then think about the most innovative way to show it.  Work the subject.   

If you want to see some really great examples of what I'm talking about here, visit bradholland.net .  He's the man.    

Formal Education is the Silent Killer of Creativity - With all this being said, heed the warning that once you learn the rules, you may forget how to break them if you're not careful.  So many of the illustrators I graduated with seemed to forget how to just draw from their imagination.  They were completely reliant on reference instead of using it as a tool.   There were so many that just stopped painting, because it ceased to be fun for them.  Something about working for deadlines all the time and being constantly critiqued made their obsessive drawing habits wane to a few times a year; Just enough to get their parents to quit bitching at them for paying for an education they seldom used.  The things they'd loved about creating art were just trained right out of them.  

Pablo Picasso said "It took me twelve years to learn to paint like a master.  It took me a lifetime to learn how to draw like a child."    For every classical landscape, for every formal still-life, for every tedious deadline exercise, do two of your own, no matter how quick.  Never lose your joy or your own voice.

You've got to strike while the iron is hot.

That's what I tell myself every time I feel the stress of being overworked.  I've got three jobs this Summer.  Last week it was four, but I quit that cashiering gig.  It wasn't a proud moment for me, and it didn't arrive at that conclusion without my conscience having several arguments with my feet, lower back and eye lids.  It was the first time I've quit anything because I couldn't hack it physically.  Not that collecting money and boxing bulk groceries is at all strenuous, but when you mix it with your jobs as a deli clerk, timeshare salesperson/concierge and office manager for a small contracting business, you utter the phrase "Fuck this," a little quicker than you normally would.

You may wonder why someone would want to take on this much, especially a single person with no kids.  The answer is unemployment; Months and months of unemployment.  I owe several people money, and I hate that shit.  The orphanage started refusing to give me porridge back in March. 

On top of that, I've signed up for classes in September to pursue getting that little piece of paper that says I know shit about graphic design.  I have one that has something to that same effect regarding illustration, but unfortunately that rarely gets you anything that has dollar signs in front of it.  I need to make sure that on top of paying everyone back that I make a little financial cushion for myself for when my hours will inevitably have to be  cut back for school.

So how am I finding the time to write this blog?  I am at my timeshare job right now, working the 3-11 shift, and it's just a goddam mess right now.  This is the same job that laid me off in January, because their renovations that were only supposed to take a month ran all the way into May.  This is my second day back, and I gotta tell ya, this place had no fucking business opening back up this early.

I am sitting here waiting for the next angry phone call from another justifiably irate guest.

"My TV's not working."

"The sink is backed up...again."

"I'm only getting hot water."

"I'm only getting cold water."

"There's no light bulbs in the kitchen fixtures."

"Our overhead lights are flickering."

"This is the third day, our third call, and no one from maintenance has even come up here yet.."

"I need to speak to the manager...Well when will she be in?  Tuesday!?"

This sort of phone call is preferred over the person making repeated trips down here, because their phone doesn't work.  Every room has at least one problem.  EVERY room...And if it's just one problem, they're lucky.  I've had several people check out early.  That's pretty unheard of, considering how hard it is to get an ocean view room, or any room, on Cape Cod in the Summer, nevermind on Memorial Day weekend.

Not only am I writing this blog to vent, but I'm also doing it to constantly appear busy.  That's not for my benefit, but for the guests'.  I can imagine it would be very frustrating to be in a room that's 80-plus degrees Farenheit because the air conditioner is broken, only to come down to the lobby to see the front desk person sardonically  taking complaint calls while putting most of their concentration into Flash Sudoku.

The thing is I really can't find any solutions for any of these people.  Maintenance and housekeeping have gone home.  They've been working 16 hour days for the past week, trying to scramble to get everything together for the re-opening this weekend, and now the on-calls are not answering their phones.

I worked the 6-1 shift this morning at the deli, so basically I've spent the first half of my day saying "Can I help you?" over and over again, and the second half saying "I wish I could help you," over and over again.  Obviously, I'd much rather speak the former sentence.  This is usually a sweet gig, too.  In the off-season, you pretty much get paid to watch the football game and catch up on your reading.  I guess this is just the test to see if I really deserve this job.  I've just got to pump myself up.  C'mon now...Suck it up

You've got to strike while the iron is hot.

You've got to strike while the iron is hot.

You've got to strike while the iron is hot.

You've got to strike while the iro - Fuck. Phone's ringing...