My first date was a memorable one and I'd like to share that evening with you. This is a true story.  I eagerly awaited picking this girl up all day, the type of girl you daydream about. Fine as hell in an 80's sort of way. I pulled up in front of her house in my hooptie pickup truck and walked up to her door to ring the doorbell. It was spring so the walkway that led to her house was lined with all types of blooming vines and flowering plants that smelled wonderful, setting the mood even better than I had hoped.  I walked her back down that same bloom lined path to my car and like a gentleman, I opened the door for her let her in and shut it behind her.  As I walked around the back of my truck to get to the drivers side door, that's when all those blossoms triggered my histamine response.  I felt a sneeze coming on like never before.  I always have a bad case of head depressurization for ten minutes after I sneeze; they are violent, and always result in a runny nose afterwards.  So I fought it off, hard.  I got in the truck (hooptie) to discover she was struggling with the window which was manual and stuck, so I reached over to use my manly strength to unroll it for her and it hit me all at once...there was nothing I could do.  I sneezed the hardest sneeze I can ever rememeber sneezing.  When I opened my eyes, time stopped as I noticed the expression on her horrified face glazing downward toward her hand.  Following her gaze I noticed I had given birth to, launched, and planted the largest loogie on the back of her hand I had ever seen. As heat filled my face with embarrassment, she opened the car door and ran back in the house.  I never heard from her again

Once upon a time, in a place overrun with monkeys, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, they became harder to catch, so the villagers stopped their effort.

The man then announced that he would now pay $20 for each one. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. But soon the supply diminished even further and they were ever harder to catch, so people started going back to their farms and forgot about monkey catching.

The man increased his price to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so sparse that it was an effort to even see a monkey, much less catch one.

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys for $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on his behalf.

While the man was away the assistant told the villagers, "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has bought. I will sell them to you at $35 each and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

They never saw the man nor his assistant again, and once again there were monkeys everywhere.

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

THINK
 
There was
a blind girl who hated herself because she was blind. She
hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend. He was always
there for her. She told her boyfriend, 'If I could only see
the world, I will marry you.'
One day,
someone donated a pair of eyes to her. When the bandages
came off, she was able to see everything, including her
boyfriend.
He asked
her,'Now that you can see the world, will you marry me?' The
girl looked at her boyfriend and saw that he was blind. The
sight of his closed eyelids shocked her. She hadn't expected
that. The thought of looking at them the rest of her life
led her to refuse to marry him.
Her
boyfriend left in tears and days later wrote a note to her
saying: 'Take good care of your eyes, my dear, for before
they were yours, they were mine.'
This is
how the human brain often works when our status changes.
Only a very few remember what life was like before, and who
was always by their side in the most painful situations.
Life Is a
Gift
Today
before you say an unkind word - THINK of someone who can't
speak.
Before
you complain about the taste of your food - THINK of someone
who has nothing to eat.
Before
you complain about your husband or wife - THINK of someone
who's crying out to GOD for a companion.
Today
before you complain about life - THINK of someone who went
too early to heaven.
Before
whining about the distance you drive THINK of someone who
walks the same distance with their feet.
And when
you are tired and complain about your job - THINK of the
unemployed, the disabled, and those who wish they had your
job.
And when
depressing thoughts seem to get you down - Put a smile on
your face and THINK: you're alive and still
around.

Wal-Mart stores can be so big and the workers seem so bored and the customers seem so harried and annoying. It seems like the perfect fertile ground to have a little fun at Walt’s expense. Sometimes I just want to jump on the intercom and say something. But how does one get access?
Planet Wally found the answer. You can use the intercom from any one of the many telephones Wal-Mart provides around the sales floor. Even better, we know the code! Here is how you use the intercom at Wal-Mart:
• Pick up the phone• Dial #96
You’re now on the store intercom!
The proper way to use the store intercom, I mean, apart from the fact it is only supposed to be used by Wal-Mart employees, is to declare the code and the location. For instance, “Code White in Automotive”. Here are a few helpful things you can do with the Intercom.
Intercom Codes:
INTERCOM HOLD: Sometimes silence is golden. So if you pick up the phone, dial #96 and then hit hold, nobody can use the intercom until they figure out which phone is on hold.
CODE 1: This code is used for SHOPLIFTING!
CODE 10: Dry Spill.
CODE 20: Wet Spill.
CODE 90: Management Needed. That sounds useless.
CODE 99: This code implies that there is an emergency and all male employees are to immediately stop what they are doing and move to the announced location.
CODE 300: Security Needed. For grins, call Code 300 to the location you are currently at.
CODE ADAM: Code Adam is used to report a lost child. Technically, the store is supposed to shut all doors until the lost child is found. This sounds like fun until you realize that you are going to be trapped in a Wal-Mart for hours while they attempt to locate a missing child.
CODE BLACK: This code is used for severe weather. It’s only used if something severe is happening such as tornadoes are bearing down on the store. All employees are supposed to immediately head to the fitting rooms at the center of the store. Wal-Mart doesn’t like to use this code because it quite frankly, when the employees all leave, it leads to looting.
CODE BLUE A bomb scare.
CODE C: Customer service. A customer needs help in a location like housewares.
CODE GREEN: This code is used when there is a hostage in the store. Ask yourself, do you really want to shop at a store that needs to have a special code for a hostage situation?
CODE ORANGE: This is for a chemical spill. Water is a chemical.
CODE RED: This is used in case of a fire!
CODE WHITE: is used for an injury.

My first date was a memorable one and I'd like to share that evening with you. This is a true story.  I eagerly awaited picking this girl up all day, the type of girl you daydream about. Fine as hell in an 80's sort of way. I pulled up in front of her house in my hooptie pickup truck and walked up to her door to ring the doorbell. It was spring so the walkway that led to her house was lined with all types of blooming vines and flowering plants that smelled wonderful, setting the mood even better than I had hoped.  I walked her back down that same bloom lined path to my car and like a gentleman, I opened the door for her let her in and shut it behind her.  As I walked around the back of my truck to get to the drivers side door, that's when all those blossoms triggered my histamine response.  I felt a sneeze coming on like never before.  I always have a bad case of head depressurization for ten minutes after I sneeze; they are violent, and always result in a runny nose afterwards.  So I fought it off, hard.  I got in the truck (hooptie) to discover she was struggling with the window which was manual and stuck, so I reached over to use my manly strength to unroll it for her and it hit me all at once...there was nothing I could do.  I sneezed the hardest sneeze I can ever rememeber sneezing.  When I opened my eyes, time stopped as I noticed the expression on her horrified face glazing downward toward her hand.  Following her gaze I noticed I had given birth to, launched, and planted the largest loogie on the back of her hand I had ever seen. As heat filled my face with embarrassment, she opened the car door and ran back in the house.  I never heard from or saw her again.

I noticed something the other day as I sat in traffic court, I was supposed to be there at 8:30, only to be told that everyone would be seen in alphabetical order. That meant I wouldn't be seen till well after lunchbreak around 2:30 in the afternoon.  So I was forced to sit there. And I listened. I heard person after person just get fine after fine after fine, so I extrapolated what I had heard so far and added up on my calculator what I heard for the rest of the day, an average of $450.00 a person for the day and a grand total of $279,000.00 for the days total take. This happens 5 days a week, which, being liberal is well over a million dollars a week.  Now I'm no math major but if this is typical for every week in the year, then, again, being liberal, is well over 50 million a year.  Am I the only one who sees this, why are there hungry citizens, why are there homeless people, fines aren't allocated for any particular government agency, some few are getting pretty rich.