It started off as a night just like any other.  The warming Spring breeze sweeping through the house as the curtains bellowed like friendly ghosts clamoring at the windows.  The air bore a light hint of Jasmine from a glade plug in simmering away at the hall outlet. It was, in a word, peaceful. 

Yet beneath this serene scene a corpulence lurked.  She sat hidden away from all, lurking in her parents basement, a ball of furious rage.  Illuminated only by the blue glow of her computer screen MrsNekoJeans fumed.  "How could this be", she exclaimed, nails clawing into the cardboard box which served as a crude desk.  "How could I be shunned by the Internet. They should worship me.", a woeful lament which had become all to commonplace.  Alas Neko once again found her racist, boorish, and enigmatic personality the butt of everyone's jokes. She eased back on her milk crate, "I'll show them...I'll show them all".......
As she suited up in the massive quilt of chain-mail which draped her like a circus tent. Then she grabbed her hairdryer to dry the moldy folds of fat around her ankles. Last but not least with a flick of a well worn butter knife she scraped the sores from her lips and applied a fresh coat of bacon grease....

Let's face it people if you have ever wondered if less was really more, you're retarded. Everything is better in quantity! Who doesn't like big titties and a nice plump ass. Hell ladies, you know dam good and well you enjoy a dick like a tree. Anyone who says different is trying to sell you something.

P.S.

If you have a little dick we are all laughing at you.

Before anyone gets pissed about this just keep in mind that I was bored and just rambled off the stupidest thing I could think of.  Now go read a book or something!

I am willing to bet that almost every single user on this site is or was worried about collecting the proverbial EBW loot. Am I right or am I right.

Well I am here to lay your worries to rest! The system of points and prizes was part of the old EBW and though it still exists like the rest of the site no one is watching the shop. You may have all noticed the lack of moderation, the apparent lack of site maintenance, and the lack of anything being shipped to your waiting little hands.

Here is the deal. There are four count em four people tending this entire site and those of you who prowl around here on a regular basis know how long it takes things to load. Keeping up with it all is a daunting if not impossible task. What is being done doesn't leave anytime to worry about prizes now does it.

The old system involved one of ebaums staff going out and purchasing your "rewards" on a company credit card and then shipping them out. Well that office is obviously closed and the credit card is not in existence anymore either.

To make a long story short if you claimed anything in the past six months or so don't count on it showing up soon or ever. I would also recommend that any of you who are planning on claiming anything now wait until the system is stabilized or dumped.

The whole thing makes me long for the old EBW back before points, prizes, or erep!

This is for all of you beloved fans of EBW. Here is a little nugget of wisdom from Mikey P that you should all hear. Go to this link....you may have to cut and paste it.

http://podcast.wcmf.com/wcmf/1566504.mp3

and now for some filler.....blah blah blah blah blah fuck that guy and that other guy...blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...

How to live in a world that's politically correct?

His workers no longer would answer to "Elves".

"Vertically Challenged POLAR ASSIATANTS" they were calling themselves.

And labour conditions at the North Pole

were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

(AND WREAK HAVOCK ON THE RECTUM THANKS TO ELLIMEM)

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,

Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.

And equal employment had made it quite clear

That Santa had better not use just reindeer.

So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid

Were replaced with 4 EBW fucks, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;

The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.

And people had started to call for the cops

When they heard Ellimem wanking it on their rooftops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.

His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,

Rudolf was suing over unauthorised use of his nose

And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation, with his ass in the air to show his frustration.

Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,

Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,

Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,

To go hang with Maddona and suck up some jiz.

And as for the gifts, why, he'd never had a notion

That making a choice could cause so much commotion.

Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,

Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.

Nothing to aim, Nothing to shoot.

Nothing that clamoured or made lots of noise.

Nothing for just girls, or just for the boys.

Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.

Nothing that's Ellimem thought was terrific.

No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.

Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.

And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,

Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.

For they raised the hackles of those psychological

Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...Ellimem could get hurt;

Besides, playing sports exposed his ass hole  to dirt.

Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;

And Ellimem kept them all tucked neatly away.

So Santa just stood there, dishevelled, perplexed;

He just could not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,

But you've got to be careful with that word today.

His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;

Like Ellimem's nut sack if it could be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might

Give to all without angering the left or the right.

A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,

Each group of people, every religion;

Every ethnicity, every hue,

Everyone, everywhere...even you.

So here is that gift, it's price beyond knowing...

Fuck Ellimem and all that he's doing

A dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay.--Demitri Martin

Every fight is a food fight when youre a cannibal.--Demitri Martin

I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack.--Steve Martin

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.--Bill Cosby

If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo, if it's sent by road then it's a shipment.--George Carlin

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.-- Steven Wright

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it.-- W.C. Fields

Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never tried.-- Mae West

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.                      -- Marty Feldman

You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither!-- Drew Carey

When I came here, I couldn't speak a word of English, but my sex life was perfect. Now my English is perfect but my sex life is rubbish.-- Julio Iglesias

Sex is a two-way treat.-- Franklin P Jones

Humans are the only animal who can have sex over the phone.-- Dave Letterman

I think I mentioned to Bob [Geldof] I could make love for eight hours. What I didn't say was that this included four hours of begging and then dinner and a movie.-- Sting

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.-- Noel Coward

Have you noticed that all the people in favour of birth control are already born?-- Benny Hill

A person will sometimes devote all his life to the development of one part of his body - the wishbone.-- Robert Frost

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.-- Soren Aabye Kierkegaard

Common looking people are the best in the world: that is the reason the Lord makes so many of them.-- Abraham Lincoln

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'.-- Chris Rock

Pol Pot - he rounded up anybody he thought was intellectual and had them executed. And how he told someone was intellectual or not was whether they wore glasses. If they're that clever, take them off when they see him coming!-- Ricky Gervais

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I only lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.-- Elayne Boosler

He had a mind so fine that no idea could violate it.-- T. S. Eliot (on Henry James)

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.-- Edgar Wallace (I don't know about this one)

Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.  --Unknown

I am sure you have all been on the edge of your seats awaiting the results of today's election. Well I have news for you all. I really doesn't matter who you vote for or who takes office since the reality of the political situation dictates change is bad for business.

Consider the case in point of the Clinton presidency. Bill did a grand total of jack shit during his tenure as President and people loved him for it. No news is good news was the headline of the day and the real reason for it wasn't his apathy as a President it was the fact that a Republican Congress has never supported a Democratic President.

If Obama wins don't look for an immediate revolution in the political system because Congress won't support "radical" change. In the same respect if by some freak chance McCain wins don't look for an extra 100,000 troops to be sent to Iraq. I realize no one has faith in the American political system anymore but there are still the three branches Executive, Legislative, and Judicial to regulate each other. Bush set a bad president by forcing the hand of the other branches and I feel confident that such abuse of the system will not be allowed in the future.

Don't fret if you candidate doesn't win and don't get too carried away if your man does. The fact of the matter is that the U.S. is in a state of flux and the world for better or worse is watching anxiously to see if we fall on our collective faces. I feel very strongly that we as a nation will prevail and I for one will support the good and fight the bad no matter its form being foreign or domestic. If we stand together we are strong and I hate to coin the old phrase but "United We Stand and Divided We Fall". Keep you chins up and you eye on both the future and our elected officials.

There is often a great deal of political fervour in the blog section so here is something for you politically minded individuals.  I think most of you really do care about the process of government and I know most of you are just beginning your involvement with voting which leads me to three questions. Do you think your vote will be properly counted? Do you trust electronic voting equipment? Do you trust your elections officials? If you were not sure about any of these questions or you had never thought about it I think you should watch "Hacking Democracy" on YouTube.

It is a nine part series 86 minutes in total so if you have a five second attention span disregard this blog. However, if you are a responsible adult you should take the time to watch and review the series. I think you will all be quite surprised at what you are going to see.

Here is the link to part 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-hNxBa6KENE&feature=related

I haven't done the fact check yet. . .but it is food for thought.

The following is a list of ten things celebrities have taught us not to put in out butt.

1. A Light Bulb

2. A Shampoo Bottle

3. A Toy Car

4. A Gerbil

5. Magic Johnson

6. Anything that is plugged in

7. A Banana

8. A Remote Control

9. A Bottle Rocket

10. A G.I. Joe

This is a public service announcement from the Society Of Virgin Asses.

I am ENWILSON and ellimen would probably approve this message.

Last night I came across a list of the "The 100 Greatest Guitarists of All Time" put out by Rolling Stone Magazine and I didn’t agree with their choices. It is also probably important to note that I was drunk and some of my good friends were over for a bit of a jam session. Well when I woke up this morning amidst a pile of beer bottles and cigar butts I came across our list of the top ten. I think we were all too drunk to attempt a top one-hundred but here is what we came up with.

The ENWILSON Top Ten Guitarist of All Time:

1. Andres Segovia

2. Jimmy Page

3. Jimmy Hendrix

4. Eric Clapton

5. Pete Townshend

6. Stevie Ray Vaughn

7. Mark Knopfler

8. Buddy Guy

9. (Kirk Hammet) Has been replaced by Frank Zappa

10. (Eddie Van Halen) Has been replaced by Paul Simon

Posted below is Rolling Stone’s List for you to compare and contrast. Enjoy!

The 100 Greatest Guitarists of All Time Top 10:

1. Jimi Hendrix

2. Duane Allman of the Allman Brothers Band

3. B.B. King

4. Eric Clapton

5. Robert Johnson

6. Chuck Berry

7. Stevie Ray Vaughan

8. Ry Cooder

9. Jimmy Page of Led Zeppelin

10. Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones

The Rest (Bottom 90)

11Kirk Hammett of Metallica 12 Kurt Cobain of Nirvana 13 Jerry Garcia of the Grateful Dead 14 Jeff Beck 15 Carlos Santana 16 Johnny Ramone of the Ramones 17 Jack White of the White Stripes18 John Frusciante of the Red Hot Chili Peppers 19 Richard Thompson 20 James Burton 21 George Harrison 22 Mike Bloomfield 23 Warren Haynes 24 The Edge of U2 25 Freddy King 26 Tom Morello of Rage Against the Machine and Audioslave 27 Mark Knopfler of Dire Straits 28 Stephen Stills 29 Ron Asheton of the Stooges 30 Buddy Guy 31 Dick Dale 32 John Cipollina of Quicksilver Messenger Service 33 Lee Ranaldo of Sonic Youth 34 Thurston Moore of Sonic Youth 35 John Fahey 36 Steve Cropper of Booker T. and the MG's 37 Bo Diddley 38 Peter Green of Fleetwood Mac 39 Brian May of Queen 40 John Fogerty of Creedence Clearwater Revival 41 Clarence White of the Byrds 42 Robert Fripp of King Crimson 43 Eddie Hazel of Funkadelic 44 Scotty Moore 45 Frank Zappa 46 Les Paul 47 T-Bone Walker 48 Joe Perry of Aerosmith 49 John McLaughlin 50 Pete Townshend 51 Paul Kossoff of Free 52 Lou Reed 53 Mickey Baker 54 Jorma Kaukonen of Jefferson Airplane 55 Ritchie Blackmore of Deep Purple 56 Tom Verlaine of Television 57 Roy Buchanan 58 Dickey Betts 59 Jonny Greenwood of Radiohead 60 Ed O'Brien 61 Ike Turner 62 Zoot Horn Rollo of the Magic Band 63 Danny Gatton 64 Mick Ronson 65 Hubert Sumlin 66 Vernon Reid of Living Colour 67 Link Wray 68 Jerry Miller of Moby Grape 69 Steve Howe of Yes 70 Eddie Van Halen 71 Lightnin' Hopkins 72 Joni Mitchell 73 Trey Anastasio of Phish 74 Johnny Winter 75 Adam Jones of Tool 76 Ali Farka Toure 77 Henry Vestine of Canned Heat 78 Robbie Robertson of the Band 79 Cliff Gallup of the Blue Caps (1997) 80 Robert Quine of the Voidoids 81 Derek Trucks 82 David Gilmour of Pink Floyd 83 Neil Young 84 Eddie Cochran 85 Randy Rhoads 86 Tony Iommi of Black Sabbath 87 Joan Jett 88 Dave Davies of the Kinks 89 D. Boon of the Minutemen 90 Glen Buxton of Alice Cooper 91 Robby Krieger of the Doors 92 Fred "Sonic" Smith of the MC5 93 Wayne Kramer of the MC5 94 Bert Jansch 95 Kevin Shields of My Bloody Valentine 96 Angus Young of AC/DC 97 Robert Randolph 98 Leigh Stephens of Blue Cheer 99 Greg Ginn of Black Flag 100 Kim Thayil of Soundgarden

I am not a very political person but I do pay attention just in case the worst happens. I think we as a nation are at the doorstep of the "worst" and I have a few thoughts on the subject. I will try to keep this as brief as possible for those of you under the age of 20 since your ADD is debilitating.

Obviously, the United States of America is in a bit of a pinch right now and we are in desperate need of reform both politically and fiscally in order to set things right. I would like to add that there is no single person to blame for this since we have been headed for trouble since Regan left office. I am also elated that this nation has a chance to change administration and in turn correct some beleaguered domestic policy. There in lies the rub so to speak. We have two very poor choices for the next President of the United States and two very poor choices for Vice President as well.

Barack Obama is a junior Senator from Illinois and he can't even muster support from his fellow Democratic Senators. Yes he has sponsored many bills and he has voted for many acts of legislation but almost none have passed. Every single measure he as personally sponsored has been with out a co sponsor and has died on the floor. This is not the kind of man you want running your nation. A president should be respected before he is granted the title. This point has been proven by our semi retarded current President.

This brings me to Joe Biden the senior Senator from Delaware. I actually like Joe he seems like a grounded guy who is very middle class like most of us in the U.S. (or like most of you will be in the future) He is still paying college loans for his boys and he doesn't have money squirreled away in foreign banks. Unfortunately he is also a lack luster leader. Joe is not terribly charismatic and I am not so sure about his pull in the Senate. From what I have seen he is an observer and not a man of action, the latter of which is what the times dictate.

John McCain is a former P.O.W. for those of you who have had your head under a rock for the past forty years. He is also the senior Senator from Arizona and a bit of blowhard on the Senate floor. John is a military man and that I like however he clearly was affected by his internment and torture in Vietnam. I feel John would be more likely to stab Ahmadinejad in the neck before he would discuss treaty and that is a little disconcerting. I don't think the U.S. needs to continue creating strife in the middle east since they have been doing a fine job killing each other for 4000 years. Back to the topic at hand, John also would like to see every American go out on his or her own and buy their own health care. This is the worst idea ever and we would go from 150 million uninsured to 300 million uninsured. The market never finds balance in the U.S. and the proof positive lies in the 700 billion dollar bail out plan.

Sara Palin is the governor of Alaska and has almost no political experience. Hell she may not have ever been to Washington D.C. before. Sure most people would fuck her and that is all fine and good but I don't want anyone as high ranking as Vice President to be studying for the job. Sara needs to stay right where she is and stop reading the political scripting that the Republicans are writing for her. Many of you probably watched the V.P. debate last night and saw that she is a great speaker but she has nothing to say. I don't believe that she answered one question directly all evening.

In summation I just feel that either way we vote this year we are settling for a presented option and not for a candidate that America would choose. To be honest I don't know who would be the right choice and anyone who could really fix this nation wouldn't be a big enough jackass to be a politician. If any of you have any suggestions feel free to add your two cents.

Can you name all ten movies?

They are in chronological order and I will post the answers in the morning.

1. You give me powders, pills, baths, injections, enemas; when all I need is love.

2. You run one time, you got yourself a set of chains. You run twice you got yourself two sets. You ain't gonna need

no third set, 'cause you gonna get your mind right.

3. You've seen a general inspecting troops before haven't you? Just walk slow, act dumb and look stupid!

4. I know what you're thinking. Did he fire six shots or only five? Well to tell you the truth in all this excitement I've

kinda lost track myself. But being this is a .44 Magnum - the most powerful hand gun in the world and would blow

your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question--Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya punk!

5. Well, that's where we go a-ridin' into town, a whampin' and whompin' every livin' thing that moves within an inch of

its life. Except the women folks, of course.
You spare the women?
NAW. We rape the shit out of them at the Number 6 Dance later on.
Marvelous.

6. Farewell and adieu to you, fair Spanish ladies. Farewell and adieu, you ladies of Spain. For we've received orders for

to sail back to Boston. And so nevermore shall we see you again.

7. Ray. If someone asks if you are a god, you say, "yes!"

8. Oh, that uh, that there's an RV. Yeah, yeah, I borrowed it off a buddy of mine. He took my house, I took the RV. It's

a good looking vehicle, ain't it?

9. For us to live any other way was nuts. Uh, to us, those goody-good people who worked shitty jobs for bum

paychecks and took the subway to work every day, and worried about their bills, were dead. I mean they were

suckers. They had no balls. If we wanted something we just took it. If anyone complained twice they got hit so bad,

believe me, they never complained again

10. Yes, I've heard. Kills men by the hundreds. And if HE were here, he'd consume the English with fireballs from his

eyes, and bolts of lightning from his arse.

Bonus: We're sorta like 7-Eleven. We're not always doing business, but we're always open.