DISCLAIMER: These stories have happend to either me or my frriends and are factual for the most part. I embellished a few parts to make it more entertaining. Hope you enjoy! - Mrturnerrules

===============================================================

So last night my girlfriend went to the bar for ladies night with her friends. It was one of those "ladies nights" where the girls drink free till 2am or something like that. Bars do this supposedly to get more girls to come to their establishment in order to lure more guys into the bar. It is probably the most annoying thing on the planet if you are a guy because if you are going there to pick up women, you still have to buy them a drink. It's not like you could say, "Hey beautiful, why don't you get yourself a free drink on me and then talk with me for a while while i stare at your breasts." I girl would piss on you for that. Either way, the bar makes out like a bandit. I'm sure jesse jackson could bring a sexual descrimination case into this some how.....anyway....... She goes to the bar and gets hammered. Around 2:30 in the morning i get "The Phone Call.":

I answer the phone and I can hear her cussing someone out like a rabbid sailor and I can hear her friend in the background desperately pleading with her to stop the madness. There is also at least 2 male voices talking to her at the same time. I'm thinking im gonna have to get my ass outa bed and go get this drunk bitch before someone else does. The I hear her say "When my boyfriend gets here he is gonna kick your asses! He is a UFC fighter and he has guns too! Fuck the police!"

......................OH................SHIT......................

I hang up without talking to her and head over to the bar. There are a million things running through my head at this point. Was she infact talking to the police during her drunken tirade? Why the hell would she tell people that I'm an UFC fighter? What on earth possessed her to tell someone that I have guns?

The reality is im 6'1'' 176lbs data entry manager in Boca Raton, Florida. I have never been able to do a pull-up, I have never attempted to do a cart wheel even as a child because of the fear i have. My favorite beer is Mich. Ultra and I hate sports but Love WOW.

Now that you are throughly impressed with me i will continue......

I get to the bar, hop out of my jetta, and see her standing by the door of the bar cussing out a group of cops....wait let me count em....1 ..2..3..4..9 police officers....9 cops to handle two 20-something girls? that doesnt make any sense. Her friend is sitting on the curb a few feet away balling......this girl always cries.......shes way hot.....but totally a cryer.....like that daisey chick with the mega lips from Rock of Love ( "Bwet!" ).

(Now, the bar closed at 2am, Its now 2:45am. I found out after the whole ordeal that there were only 2 cops in the begining and all they were doing was clear out the bar at 2am. They saw my girlfriend and the sobber in tow and were trying to tell them that they have had too much to drink and need to call someone to pick them up. My girlfired, shitfaced, got mad and thats what started this whole cluster fuck.)

As I start to head over to what I know is going to be her eventual lynching, I see her throw her fists out to the side and scream. It wasn't just any scream, it was one of those "Please don't make me angry" incredible hulk power up screams. This sent me into a blunder of sorts....i have never seen this behavior out of her....we have been together for about 4 years.....this was totally new to me.....

The next chain of events will never leave my psyche as long as I live.

The scream was followed by her lunging forward and launching a golfball sized glob of expectorent into the lead officers face. The she turns slightly and sees me walking over and shouts, "My boyfriends here, now you fuckin pigs will be sorry!!"

Before my brain had a chance to finish processing what just happened, a shitstorm of blue uniforms was grinding me into the concrete. 4 or 5 officers had teleported from the doorway of the bar and reappeared with me underneath them. I have no freaken clue what just happend. All i know is I hurt all over. Cutting to the chase, I'm rolled onto my stomach, my arms are twisted in such a way that i doubt they will ever work the same again. Im cuffed, searched and thrown in the back of a squad car. My girlfriend sinks to the floor and has now joined her dumbass friend sobbing as an officer is trying to arrest her too......Apparently, spitting on a cop is called "Assaulting an officer" in the state of florida and is a felony....nice.....

After they quarantine each of us in our very own squad car, they run ID's talk on their radios, and play a round of parcheese. I get pulled out of the car, im uncuffed and they ask me where the guns are.

What guns? I dont own any guns?

Well your little lady over there said you were a UFC fighter and you were bringing guns. Thats why we called in the backup.

.......Now all the dots have been connected in my mind......

Do i look like a UFC fighter? The only things i fight are Level 6 Orcs on WOW. I explain in detail what i have experienced so far this night. I beg them to let my stupid drunk girlfriend off the hook because is a functioning autistic and can't help it. They let the 2 of us go, We get in my car and drive home.

The fucked up part was that my girlfriend and her gal pal rode in my girls car to the bar. which we left there to be picked up the next day......what we didnt realize was that we left the girl there too. Come to find out, she had passed out on the bench there, we didnt notice, the cops didnt notice, and at about 6am, there she was, knocking on my front door. She slept on the fucken bench the whole night and walked to my apartment  about 6 blocks away at 5am. 6 blocks took her an hour.

this just goes to show you that even when you try to have a quiet night at home cuz you talked your girl into going out by herself, women still ruin everything!

Next time i will write about the time she started crynig during sex because it was "Beautiful and I can feel our souls touching"

life hates me.

Last night, me, my roommate, and a couple other buddies went to this new bar called Swampgrass Billy's. Its supposed to be the coolest place in town. Brand new. The decor is supposed to be psuedo-modern cajun style with a twist of key west. Personally, it sounded like a hokey shit whole. The kind of place where the only beer on tap is budweiser and the only drinks they sell are called City Slickers. This does not sound like a good time to me, but for opening night they are having 25 cent Longnecks all night, who can argue with that.

The bar was exactly what I expected. It was something that escaped from Ted Nugents Colon. Deer mounted on the wall, bails of hay instead of barstools, Slutty cowgirls dancing with those broom sticks wiht the horse head on them on 2 giant tractors, they even had a mechanical bull.

My only options for entertainment at that point was to get my roommate incredibly drunk and then go pick up some girls from around the bar and watch him fail miserably at trying to hit on them.

The night went as planned, 25 cent beer night and the tab was $600. We did buy a lot of rounds for girls, plus a shot every 10 minutes. The interesting part was what i found the next morning....

8:00AM Turn off the alarm, head to the bathroom for morning piss, teeth brushing, and the proverbial hangover remedy cocktail consisting of 4 tylenol, half a bottle of Pepto, and left over french fries from some time in memorial i found on the counter.

8:03AM Fries were a bad idea. I puke up the hangover cocktail.

8:11AM Start the hangover cocktail ritual for the second time sans fries.

8:15AM Head into Kitchen for coffee and a cheese danish

8:18AM Log on to Myspace to try and find that chick whose tongue was down my throat last night at the bar.

8:21AM Found her, Deny her friend request, they should really come up with a warning system for people wearing beer goggles.

8:22AM Email from my roommate. I have copied it here without making any changes to it. All that you see, even the typos, are exactly as i found it. Good luck:

HHHHHHEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeyeyyyyyyyyyy BBBBBUUDYDyyy!

you are asleeping right now and Im am sending you this mesige. hold on asecind i have to pee really bad.....,,... ok, i peeed on the sinkin the kitchen becase the toilet was to far to wakl dud im sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo drunk right nokw enywya i jus waned totell you on myspaec that i love you and that i tried to maike it in gtime but i didnnt and i pooooooped in the dhish washer but itsk ok becaus i jsut turned iton afgter and it shouldbe washin away aws we speelk so i love ....hold o n i gotta go pee agin...ya know i dont know why miore poelple dont jus pee in the sink it so much gbetter then the bathrrom becausjne you dont even have to flush anythnig

8:26AM  I peed in my coffee cup and put it in the microwave, then gave it to my roommate

8:29AM I ask him if he likes the coffee, he says it needs more sugar because its bitter

8:30AM I tell him it has my piss in it

8:31AM He vomits all over himself and his bed, i think his stupid little pug got some too

8:32AM He is screaming "What the fuck man?!?!"

8:33AM I punch him in the forehead and tell him about the email

8:37AM He washes the dishes........by hand

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
 
 
'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.'
 
 
'Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.'
 
 
After months of careful research, MALE &FEMALE Procedures have been developed Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'
 
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and
    withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
 
 
*******************************
 
 
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth.!!!!
 
 
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required
    amount to align car window with the
    machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4 Find handbag, remove all contents on
   to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call
     them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to
    machine due to its excessive distance
    from the car.
8. Insert card.
9 Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with
     your PIN written on the inside back
     page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct
     PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet
     and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register 
     and place receipt in back of
     checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card
     holder, and place card into the slot
     provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver
     waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26.  Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27.  Release Parking Brake.

QUOTE:

The Home Depot Scam  

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers. This one caught me by surprise.  Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.  Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.  Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk.  They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.  When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds.  You agree and they get in the backseat.  On the way, they start undressing.  Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts

crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.  

I had my wallet stolen March 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 29th.  Also April 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend

So tell your friends to be careful.

p.s.  Wal-mart has wallets on sale 2.99 each.  

UNQUOTE