It's the fight every fan wants to see.  As two of the most aggressive and exciting fighters in the game go toe to toe.  Former UFC Middleweight Champ, Rich "Ace" Franklin, faces former PRIDE Middleweight champ, Wanderlei "The Axe Murderer" Sivla.  Plus, Heavyweight phenom, Cain Velaquez, puts his perfect 5-and-0 record on the line when he faces highly ranked, Cheik Kongo.

The Ultimate Fighting Championship presents UFC 99 "The Comeback", Live Saturday, June 13th from LanXess Arena in Cologne, Germany.

ONLY ON PAY PER VIEW!

Did you actually think that I was going to let you read the blog without a word from our sponser?

So the new Springboard player sucks.

The End.

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Is it time for an intervention?

If you have been one of the many 'Break' users in the past couple of weeks, here is something you may not know;  using 'Break' can be harmful, not only to your health, but how you function in everyday life.  After talking with some people who have been using 'Break' for a long time, I've been able to study their behaviors and determine what the long-term side effects are.  If you haven't quit using 'Break' yet, the following side effects may help you change your mind:

Nausea

Boredom

Drowsiness

Numbness between the ears

Addiction to gay porn

Addiction to midget porn

Bestiality

Slurred speech

Inability to process simple thoughts

Inability to spell simple words or use proper grammer

Sensitivity to jokes

Overuse of the word "dawg" and its many forms

Overuse of the phrase "kthxbai"

Addiction to spam

Excessive use of "tinlyurl"

And many more to come after further research...

So remember, next time you are having a conversation with someone and you have to ask them to speak slower so you can understand, that would be a good indication that it's time to put the brakes on 'Break'

-RF

"You just got dawged" not Randy Jackson

This is actually a commonly overused word by the regulars on Break.com.  It means the same as "pwnd", with the only difference being that they took a gay word and replaced it with a gayer one.

Due to the string of recent serial bannings by our rookie moderators, some Ebaumsworld users, along with myself, went over to Break.com to take in some of the scenery.  So far, the grass is looking like its in much need of some watering.

You could compare Ebaumsworld to Break.com like the U.S. to Canada.  Neither one wants to start a war with one another, but its not exactly an innocent game of pencil break either.  One feels they are superior over the other, and theyll use recycled put-downs and type in all CAPS to prove it.  But there are some issues with Break.com that may encourage the suspended Ebaumer to ride the bench, rather than play for the other team.   Here are some examples:

Girls: I have not seen one chick on Break.com in the few days Ive been there, pending RJMs official ruling.  At least we know we have some women on this site because of the pictures galleries, but I have not seen one girl on Break.  Even the Break regulars will admit that they ran most, if not all, of the girls away.   I think that they prefer it that way.  Sausage Fest is another term thrown around there just so you know.

Spamming: Spamming at Break.com is far worse than it is here.  In fact, the Breakers were getting pissed off at the Baumers (I feel like Im in the movie, The Outsiders) because we were filling up the comment boards quickly.  But, it was the Break regulars who were spamming the shit out of it with insults that we dished at them.

Censorship: In addition to traditional curse words, except Wiggler Punt, you cant even say Ebaumsworld on the comments.  Enough said!

Any many more!

The site is lame, so dont waste your time.  As I mentioned before, I dont plan on using Break full-time, except for the occasional invasion.  They get their feelings hurt when we start commenting on their boards.

Break: 15 minutes, twice a day, is enough for me!

-RF

(to the tune of REM's "Stand")

Banned in the place where you chat/How bout that?/Think about who did it/Wonder if theyve done it before/Banned in the place where you blog/Damn thats wrong/Think about who did it/Wonder if theyve done it before

Now if youre trying to find out, who showed you the door/And fucked you, unkindly, like a 2 dollar whore/Youre silenced, for 2 weeks, for reasons unknown/You want to find the mod so you can give them the bone

Banned in the place where you chat/How bout that?/Think about who did it/Wonder if theyve done it before/Banned in the place where you blog/Damn thats wrong/Think about who did it/Wonder if theyve done it before

You think to yourself, Where did I go wrong?/You might have got banned for simply logging on./Who did you insult, did you call Ebaum a schlong?/These next 2 weeks of silence will seem so very long.

Banned in the place where you chat/How bout that?/Think about who did it/Wonder if theyve done it before/Banned in the place where you blog/Damn thats wrong/Think about who did itWonder if theyve done it before

Race and religious comments, are not welcomed here/Trolling, spamming, mom-bashing, calling someone a queer/Keep a civil tongue, as your chatting along/Insulting the features, is also deemed wrong

Banned in the place where you chat/How bout that?/Think about who did it/Wonder if theyve done it before/Banned in the place where you blog/Damn thats wrong/Think about who did it/Wonder if theyve done it before

Banned in the place where you chat (How bout that?)/Banned in the place where you blog (Damn thats wrong)/Say something about nothing at all/Look now youre BANNED!

I'm writing this while I am at work because I feel it needs to be addressed right away!  Ladies, why is it that you decide to let your armpit hair grow to stubble before you shave it?

We have this new girl here at work, and for the sake of her identity, I won't reveal her name.  So let's call her "Chewy".  Chewy has been working here probably 3 weeks now.  She's decent looking, but sometimes her choice of clothing is questionable.  She wore some "hooker" boots her second day here, and about a week into the job she was sporting some weird outfit that looked something like you would do aerobics in.

But today, Chewy really outdid herself.

Since we live in Houston and fight humidity year round, Chewy decided to sport a sleeveless shirt of some sort.  And when she raised her arms to let out a big stretch...BAM...she showed off her European look.  I mean, what the fuck?  Shave those damn things.  I can only imagine what her snatch looks like, but I'm sure we'll get a peek when we have our company party at the lake next year.

I drew her name to be her "Secret Santa" and ended up getting her a gift card to Old Navy so she could buy some decent clothes.  Could've saved a few bucks if I went with a razor and shaving cream instead.

-RF

Ok, so we are all familiar with how the e-rep system works.  The more involved you are with the website, the more your points go up.  Whether it be getting something featured, winning a contest or simply commenting and rating a video, you are guaranteed to earn some points in any given day.  And while so far the e-rep system is working, let's face it, no one here is ever going to hang around long enough to win themselves a Mustang.  So what can be done to maintain the interest of the users and increase particpatition within the website?  How about an Ebaum'sworld Stock Market?

It's really quite simple.  Each member of this website is a stock.  And to determine the how many points each share is worth all depends on their ranking and how many e-rep points they have.  Someone like "Lorddread" for example will have a high share value because of his e-rep points and his status.  Someone just starting out in "Noob" status will have a low share value.

So basically, you use your e-rep points to buy shares on a certain member.  Anytime that member gets something featured or wins a contest, his/her share value goes up.  If they cash in their e-reps for a prize, or gets banned, their share value goes down.  And just like the real stock market, you can cash in at anytime.  There's no limit to the amount of shares you buy per individual, and there's no limit to how many different individuals you buy shares of. 

Now your probably thinking that if you buy shares of "Lorddread" that your e-reps will sky rocket since he gets his stuff featured more than anybody, right?  Keep in mind that his initial share value will be high, plus you don't get your e-rep points until you cash in.  And if he decides to cash in on a prize, his share value goes down, and you are out however many e-rep points.

I know it's a little far fetched, but I figured this would be a cool way to keep users more involved.  Plus, it gives people a chance to earn points a little faster, which might be the reason why Ebaum wouldn't consider it.

-RF

How to Poo at  Work

We've  all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in  
our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much  as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO is inevitable. For  those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking  a dump at work.

*CROP DUSTING*  When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the  
smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't  know
where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop  until the full fart
has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make  sure the smell has left
your pants.

*FLY BY* The act of scouting  out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and
check for other pooers. If t  here are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not  to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become
suspicious if they catch  you constantly going into the bathroom.

*ESCAPEE* A fart that slips  out while taking a pee or forcing a poo in a
stall. This is usually  accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you
release an  escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you
are  a man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did  
not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all  involved.
Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.  

*JAILBREAK* When  forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun
pace. This is  usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should  
happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the  bathroom
to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.  

*COURTESY FLUSH* The  act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits
the water. This  reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the
bathroom.  This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

*WALK OF SHAME* Walking from  the stall, to the sink, to the door after you
have just stunk up the  bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
someone walks in  and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the
smell  does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.  

*OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER*  A colleague who poos at work and is Doggone proud of it. You  will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a  newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for  the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.

*THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)*  A group of co-workers who band
together to ensure emergency  pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the  whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.  

*SAFE HAVENS* A  seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect  visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will  reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom.

*TURD BURGLAR* Someone who  does not realize that you are in the stall and
tries to force the door  open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable
moments that can  occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in
the stall  until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable  eye contact.

*CAMO-COUGH*  A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom  
that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or  to alert
potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in  conjunction with a
SHIRLEY TEMPLE.

*SHIRLEY TEMPLE* A subtle  toe-tapping that is used to alert potential Turd
Burglars that you are  occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the
stall is  occupied. If you hear a SHIRLEY TEMPLE, leave the bathroom
immediately  so the pooer can poo in peace.

*WATERMELON* A poo that  creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an  embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on,
create a  diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

*HAVANA-OMELET* A case of  diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in
the toilet water.  Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH
with a SHIRLEY  TEMPLE.

*The  Gagger* This is when  you hear a person enter the bathroom and they immediately start coughing  and gagging. This usually leads to puking in the mouth. A proud moment for  any pooer.

*The  Show and Tell* Some dumps  are too glorious not to show others. Much like a mother is proud of her  offspring, a “show and teller” has to share what they just gave birth to.  **Remember, there is a minimum size of 3 Katie Courics to do so**  

*Mud  Butt* Usually  follows the classic condition known as the “itis”, your ass-hole feels  like how a mud pot in Yellowstone looks like.


*AUNT  BETTY* A bathroom  user who seems to linger around forever...Could
spend extended lengths  of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An
AUNT BETTY  makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should
always  wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as  
the other bathroom attendees



SOME VARIETIES OF POO YOU SHOULD  BE AWARE OF

The King Poo = This kind is the kind of poo  that killed Elvis. It doesn't
come until you're all sweaty, trembling  and purple from straining so hard.

Bali Belly Poo = You poo so much  you lose 5 lbs.

Cement Block  = You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poo.

Cork Poo (Also Known as  Floater Poo ) = Even after the third flush, it's
still floating in  there. How do I get rid of it? This poo usually happens at
someone  else's house.

The Bungee Poo  = The kind of poo that just hangs off your rear before it  
falls into the water.

The  Crippler = The kind of poo where you have to sit on the toilet  so long
your legs go numb from the waist down.

The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang =  The kind of poo that hits you when you're
trapped in your car in a  traffic jam.

The Party Pooer  = The giant poo you take at a party. And when you flush
the  toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.

NOW  EVERYONE TRY TO GO POO IN PEACE

QUIT LAUGHING... POOING IS A  NATURAL PROCESS

Top Ten Reasons Hurricane Season Is Like Christmas

Number Ten:
Decorating the house (with plywood).

Number Nine:
Dragging out boxes that haven't been used since last season.

Number Eight:
Last minute shopping in crowded stores.

Number Seven:
Regular TV shows pre-empted for 'Specials'.

Number Six:
Family coming to stay with you..

Number Five:
Family and friends from out of state calling you..

Number Four:
Buying food you don't normally buy . . . and in large quantities.

Number Three:
Days off from work.

Number Two:
Candles.

And the Number One reason Hurricane Season is like Christmas:
At some point you're probably going to have a tree in your house!

Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.  His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.  The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob!  How ya doin?"  His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.  "Oh no", says Bob. "He's in my bowling league."  When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual, and brings over a Budweiser.  His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"  "I recognize her - she's the waitress from the golf club.  I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."  A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Bobby.  Want your usual table dance, big  boy?"  Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.  Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.  Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.  Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.  She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.  The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time........"       Bob's funeral will be on Friday.