Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers

**************************** Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

************************** From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

*************************** O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."

************************* A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long rollout after touching down.

San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.

If you are not able, take the Guadelupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

*************************** There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked".

Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

****************************** A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

***************************** Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

****************************** One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing llike yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

******************************* The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

****************************** While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

Arachnopeptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidently walked through a spider web.

Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Caterpallor (n.) The colour you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating

Decaflon (n.) The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Dopelar Effect (n.) The tendancy of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly.

Extraterrestaurant (n.) An eating place where you feel you've been abducted and experimented on. Also known as ET'ry.

Faunacated (adj.) How wildlife ends up when its environment is destroyed. Hence faunacatering (n.), which has made a meal of many species.

Grantarctica (n.) The cold, isolated place where arts companies without funding dwell.

Hemaglobe (n.) The state of the world.

Intaxication (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Kinstipation (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.

Lullabuoy (n.) An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.

Some times while flying the flight attendants will say some rather funny remarks, here are some that might make you want to pay attention to the flight crew a little more next time you fly.

1. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

2. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

3. "We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane."

4. "Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

5. Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

6. And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

7. As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The attendant announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft.”

8. Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."

9. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA!"

10. "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."

11. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

12. "Last one off the plane must clean it."

13. The pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight."

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault... it was the asphalt."

15. On an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day.  After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate."

16. Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

17. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

18. “To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.”

19. “In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.”

20. “Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

21. After a real rough landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silent, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.”

22. Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

23. “In case this flight turns into a cruise your seats can be used as a flotation device.”

24. The captain made is normal welcome speech and then added the following: “Ladies and Gentlemen seeing that the camera in the bathroom is broken we will be flying lower than normal so any fooling around in there will not count as a Mile High Club award.”

25. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

26. On a Continental Flight, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

27. After a very late landing into Sacramento the flight attendant came on the PA and sang “Should old acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind, we’re Southwest air, we get you there, and we get you there on… oh, never mind.”

28. “We will be coming around with a complimentary beverage… or you may pay for it if you prefer.”

29. “We will also be offering delicious peanuts with complimentary cocktail napkin.  If peanuts don’t tickle your fancy, we suggest you try our second option… the knuckle sandwich.”

30. “We’re making our initial descent into Orlando… home of Carrot Top.”

31. “We hope you enjoy your stay in Orlando.  If Orlando is not your intended destination, we still hope you enjoy your time there.”

32. "For those of you on the left side of the aircraft, you have an unusually clear and spectacular view of the city of Los Angeles, Dodgers stadium, and the downtown LA area. For those of you on the right side of the plane, you have a great view of the backs of the heads of the people who are looking at Los Angeles out the left side of the aircraft."

33. "For those of you who haven't driven a car since 1962... to fasten your seatbelt, simply insert the flat metal end into the metal buckle. To release... well, there is no release until the wheels touch down as each seat belt has been programmed to activate as such. When we land and reach the gate, at that time, feel free to lift up on the top of the metal buckle to release. Good luck with that during flight."

34. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will automatically drop from the compartment above your head. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and place it over your face. If you seated next to a child or someone acting like a child, kindly secure your mask before securing theirs...unless it's your spouse and you are in the middle of a nasty divorce."

35. "In the highly unlikely event that this airplane become a cruise ship and we encounter an unexpected water landing, since we are flying over the desert otherwise known as Phoenix, Arizona, your seat bottom cushions have been designed as flotation devices, otherwise known as the oh crap option. Grab your seat cushions and follow me to the nearest exit as there's no way you'll beat me out of the plane."

36. "Ladies and Gentlemen, we have one very spacious lavatory located in the rear of the aircraft. Yes, we've been approved to attach a pull-along-camper to the tail of the plane, while in flight. Tours will be given after the beverage service."

37. "Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. However, if you are feeling particularly rich today, continue to smoke in the lavatory to the tune of $2500 per light. Otherwise, you may visit our smoking section out on the wing where we are showing the feature movie Gone With the Wind."

38. Upon landing, "We ask that you use caution upon opening the over head bins as shift tends to happen."

39. "Ladies and gentlemen, as you know, the seat belt sign is still illuminated as we have not yet reached the gate. Seatbelts hanging in the aisle are a very good indication that you are not in compliance. Those without seatbelts buckled at this time are thus notifying me of their willingness to stay behind to help clean the plane."

40. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

41. A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?" The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?" The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?" The little boy admitted that she did. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Now, let your mother explain that to you."

Looking at the presidential race you seriously have to look at both McCain and Obama closely to see exactly who is boing to become the president. 

It's fairly obvious that McCain is old as hell.  So he's probably going to die of old age if he becomes president, and then we will be left with a hot gilf running the country.

Now look at Obama.  He's black.  You know some rasist is going to shoot him.  Cool thing about Obama is that he will shoot back.  So then we're left with what we're used to running the USA.  Some wealthy lawyer.

Either way, you really have to look at the vice presidential candidates to see who will be president.  So who do you want... a gilf or a lawyer.

So what the fuck happened lately with news reporters?  Every time I watch a local news channel they have hotter and hotter girls on there reporting the news.  Since when did news reporters get hot?  They even have big tits now!  When the hell did that happen?  I didn't mind watching the news before, but now with all the hot reporters it's addicting!  Like womens beach volleyball, ya just gotta watch it.