Here is some thing i got in my email that i think you guys might like.

A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell. He painted a sign advertising the 4 pups And set about nailing it to a post on the edge of his yard. As he was driving the last nail into the post, he felt a tug on his overalls. He looked down into the eyes of little boy 'Mister,' he said, 'I want to buy one of your puppies.' 'Well,' said the farmer, As h e rubbed the sweat off the back of his neck, 'These puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money.' The boy dropped his head for a moment. Then reaching deep into his pocket, He pulled out a handful of change And held it up to the farmer. 'I've got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take a look?' 'Sure,' said the farmer. And with that he let out a whistle. 'Here, Dolly!' he called. Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran Dolly followed by four little balls of fur. The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence. His eyes danced with delight. As the dogs made their way to the fence, The little boy noticed something else stirring inside the doghouse Slowly another little ball appeared, this one noticeably smaller. Down the ramp it slid. Then in a somewhat awkward manner, the little pup began hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up.... 'I want that one,' the little boy said, pointing to the runt. The farmer knelt down at the boy's side and said, 'Son, you don't want that puppy. He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would.' With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his trousers. In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his leg attaching itself to a specially made shoe. Looking back up at the farmer, he said, 'You see sir, I don't run too well myself, And he will need someone who understands.' With tears in his eyes, the farmer reached down and picked up the little pup. Holding it carefully he handed it to the little boy. 'How much?' asked the little boy. 'No charge,' answered the farmer, 'There's no charge for love.' The world is full of people who need someone who understands  It's National Friendship Week.

Another funny story from Darwin!

I work in a geology lab with very smart people. James can tell you the petrogenetic peculiarities of low-alkali tholeiitic basalt after hydrothermal alteration. But our hero James recently demonstrated that there is a significant difference between intelligence and common sense.

While casting about for ways to rid himself of a pesky wasp nest, his eye fell upon his trusty Dirt Devil vacuum cleaner. Armed with this fearsome weapon, James attacked the wasp nest. He sucked up all the wasps, who buzzed angrily as they struggled in vain against the wind-tunnel. The dustbag was soon alive with their buzzing.

James now found that he had a new problem: to wit, a vacuum cleaner bag full of live, disgruntled wasps. He had to find a way to kill them before he could safely turn off the vacuum. And while his previous idea was merely ill-considered, his next was a moronic masterpiece.

He held the vacuum tube in one hand, a can of RAID in the other, and proceeded to spray the insecticide into the vacuum. What our smart young scientist failed to remember is that aerosols are flammable, and vacuum cleaner motors generate heat. The resulting explosion removed his facial hair, and scattered the dusty, angry contents of the Dirt Devil all over the vicinity.

Adding insult to injury, James was not the only one to survive with minor injuries. The wasps proceeded to vent their spleen upon the exposed (and slightly scorched) skin of the scientist, who referred to the episode as "an unfortunate lapse in calculation of consequences."

Got this stor from the Darwin Awards site, thought I would share.

This account is a testament to the intelligence teenagers, who are prone to recklessness--a fact I should have borne in mind. Six years ago, on a Sunday afternoon, our gang of five had taken it into our brains that, since we live near the sea, it would be fun to play on the cliffs. We took turns riding our bikes up to the cliff edge and braking at the last possible moment, the object being a typical competition between young males. The drop to the water was over one hundred feet. After one boy almost flew off the cliff, we made it 'safer' by tying rope around our waists, attached to separate pegs anchored securely in the ground. This, we thought, would avert trouble. Uh huh. One boy's bike squeaked terribly when he braked, and it was getting on everyone's nerves. So he took care of the squeak in an ingenious way: he oiled the brakes. Some of you might already realise that this presents another problem, but we didn't see it. When it was his turn, he rode up to the cliff with the ironic cry, "Watch this!" Indeed we did watch. We watched him apply the brakes, we watched his expression change to terror, and we watched him disappear from sight as he sailed over the cliff. The rope did its job, and halted his descent. But his rope was longer than the others, and suffered the strain of 60 feet of falling teenager, as did the waist around which the rope was tied. The impact of stopping broke several ribs and almost cleaved him in two. Not surprisingly, he fainted. At the top of the cliff, the four remaining kids telephoned for help, but the cliff was so remote that we couldn't get through. Instead of running for help, we decided to winch him up ourselves. We set about digging up the peg he was attached to. When it finally came free, there was only one person holding it, and he was pulled over the cliff by the weight of the first boy. Sensibly, he still had his harness on, but the 45-foot drop he endured mearly knocked this boy out. Meanwhile, the extra 45 feet of rope let the first boy plunge into the ocean, where he unfortunately drowned. The last three boys on the cliff summoned help from the Coast Guard. Half an hour later, a large Sea King helicopter attempted to lift the dangling boy to safety. By this point, the knot that tied the rope around the boy's waist had come loose, and he was hanging on for dear life. Whirling helicopter blades build up a massive amount of static electricity as they beat against the air. Each helicopter therefore carries a cable to earth itself after a flight. As that cable approached the boy, he grabbed for it, heedless of people shouting warnings from the helicopter. When he did grab ahold of the cable, the electric shock blew him against the cliff, and he fell into the sea. Fortunately he did not drown. He was airlifted to hospital, where he made a full recovery. Six years later, I still have the scar on my hand where I touched that earthing cable. I owe my life to the work of the Coast Guard that day. Thank you, Coast Guard, for helping idiots like me stay alive long enough to tell the story to other idiots. Cheers!

• I'll get a world record for this.

• Let me reach in and get your watch out of the printing press.

• Hey there's no handles inside these car doors!

• Gee, that's a cute tattoo.

• Here's my Kent State student ID.

• It's fireproof.

• He's probably just hibernating.

• What does this button do?

• I'm making a citizen's arrest.

• Can we get a vision plan?

• So, you're a cannibal.

• It's probably just a rash.

• Why am I standing on a plastic sheet?

• Are you sure the power is off?

• Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?

• No, my shoes aren't untied.

• The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!

• What do you mean, "I'll be back"?

• Why is the rest of the Star Trek landing party wearing a different color?

• Pull the pin and count to what?

• Which wire was I supposed to cut?

• I wonder where the mother bear is.

• I've seen this done on TV.

• These are the good kind of mushrooms.

• I'll hold it and you light the fuse.

• What's that priest doing here?

• You look just like Charles Manson.

• Let it down slowly.

• Rat poison only kills rats.

• OK, I'll go ahead and make your day.

• It can't possibly rain for forty days and nights.

• I'll get your toast out.

• Give me liberty or give me death.

• Just take whatever you want, this is a ghost town.

• It's strong enough for both of us.

• This doesn't taste right.

• I can make this light before it changes.

• Nice doggie.

• I can do that with my eyes closed.

• I've done this before.

• Well we've made it this far.

• That's odd.

• Hey that's not a violin.

• I'll just slip into the commuter lane for a second.

• I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.

• You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses on, would you?

• OK this is the last time.

• Don't be so superstitious.

• Now watch this.

• This planet has an atmosphere just like on earth.

• That birthmark on your head looks like 999.

• What duck?

1.    On a blanket from Taiwan -
        NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
  
  2.    On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists -
        REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY
        BEHIND YOU.
  
  3.    On a Taiwanese shampoo -
        USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

  4.    In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles
        OPEN OTHER END.
    
  5.    On a New Zealand insect spray -
        THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
  
  6.    In a US guide to setting up a new computer -
        TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO
        WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.
        (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
  
  7.    On a Japanese product used to relieve painful
        hemorrhoids
        LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO
        THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL
        DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5
        MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.
  
  8.    On the bottle-top of a British flavoured milk drink
        AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
  
  9.    On a packet of Sunmaid raisins -
        WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST
        CEREAL?
  
  10.   On a Sears hairdryer -
        DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
  
  11.   On a bag of Fritos -
        YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY.
        DETAILS INSIDE.
  
  12.   On a bar of Dial soap -
        DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
  
  13.   On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom
        of the box)-
        DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
  
  14.   On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -
        PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
  
  15.   On a Korean kitchen knife -
        WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
  
  16.   On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights -
        FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
  
  17.   On a Japanese food processor -
        NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.
  
  18.   On Sainsbury's peanuts -
        WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.
  
  19.   On an American Airlines packet of nuts
        INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
  
   20.   On a Swedish chainsaw -
         DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR
        HANDS OR GENITALS.
  
  21.   On a child's superman costume -
        WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.
  
  22.   On some frozen dinners
        SERVING SUGGESTION DEFROST.
  
  23.   On a hotel provided shower cap in a box
        FITS ONE HEAD.
  
  24.   On packaging for a Rowenta iron
        DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.
  
  25.   On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine
        DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.
  
  26.   On Nytol sleep aid
        WARNING MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.

The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM .
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.
"You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!"

The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"

The 3rd Affair:

A mortician was working late one night
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such a n impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"

The 4th Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner.
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue.
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too.
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing.

The 5th Affair:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.
"One Cent?" the man thought.
He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife.
The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your w ife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls'. I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way to easily. Around 3 am a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him (even when totally smashed.. 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos... midnight)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in.
'Midnight' I told him. He didn't seem pissed off in the least. (Whew, I got away with that one!) Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'When I asked him why he said, 'Well last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'O fuck!'. Cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted. If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of humor