1. I am hungry = I am hungry

2. I am tired = I am tired

3. I am sleepy = I am sleepy

4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage

5. I love you = Lets have sex now

6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex

7. What's wrong = I guess sex is out of the question

8. May i have this dance = I'd like to have sex with you

9. Can i call you sometime = I'd like to have sex with you

10. Do you want to go to the movies = I'd like to have sex with you

11. Can i take you out for dinner sometime = I'd like to have sex with you

12. Will you marry me = I want to make it illegal for others to have sex with you

13. You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you within 3 minutes

14. Let's talk = I'm trying to impress you by showing that i am a deep person and then I'd like to have sex with you

15. I dont think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

Ok its never, NEVER OK for a man to drink a light beer, it is a beverage for women and the Gay's. And honest to god putting a lime in the neck of a bottle of light beer, come on man up. It's just wrong if you're dieting then give up bread or potatoes never switch to light beer its wrong i say wrong. No man, no real man a sport watching boob looking ass slapping heterosexual man should drink light beer. Let me put it into a metaphor you will understand, Light beer is like getting a blow job from you're sister, it might be just like every other blow job you've ever had, but there's something about it that's just not right!!!!! Come to the dark side!!!

First off I'm Irish not british just so the idiots who keep calling me a dumb Brit know the difference. Secondly I do actually enjoy watching you're game of "football". Cant watch it live to many stops and breaks i watch the highlights.

OK so here goes

1st: Football (our sport) has been around longer

2nd: We actually use our feet for about 98% of the game where as American football is the opposite

3rd:Our football dominates the world with over 90% of the world playing or watching, It has even become so popular America is doing everything to get it to take off over there buy bringing over big name European footballers like David Beckham and paying them ridiculous amount's pf money to play. American football doesn't get this sort of global domination or audience's, even the Superbowl wouldn't get this much interest. 4/10 people only watch it for the half time show

4th If you were to properly name American football it would probably be stop-and-talk-then-punty-throwy-catchy-runny-hope you don't get tackled-ball

5th Our global domination is shown by competitions such as The World Cup (which when American qualifies ye go nuts for it then when you get knocked out its back to "sure soccer sucks) American football is confined to one nation!!

6th American men only hate it cause they cant play it and there women are better than they are at it!!

7th Some fouls and tackles in football can results in hard hits and heavy falls and serious injury all while not being protected by a ton of padding

8th Our game requires a lot of skill and tact not just Brut force

But in my opinion both are good sport's which require a lot of physical fitness and dedication. But the simple fact of the matter is 90% of the world call it football 10% (America) call it soccer and its only that way cause ye would get to confused if ye had football and American football, when we talk about the sports we say football if where talking about our game and American football if were talking about you're game not that hard to do. So we'll keep our football you can have your  stop-and-talk-then-punty-throwy-catchy-runny-hope you don't get tackled-ball !!!

OK what is with the idiots on eBaum's giving people negative replies and thumb's down all the time? Do they honestly think this will make there submissions become featured or get there comments on the next eBaum's funny comments section? For example today's featured submission some comedian died, I didn't know him but thought he looked familiar to an actor from 8 simple rules , so i asked was it him... Apparently that's worth a heap load of thumb's down replies..A simple yes that's him or no that's not him would do. Seriously people stop being fucking idiots..

Women Speak in Estrogen - Men Listen in Testosterone

Relationships:
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.

A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need.

Sex:
Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay.

Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.

Maturity:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults.

Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

Magazines:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.

Handwriting:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

Bathrooms:
A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Groceries:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things.

A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

Shoes:
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk.

A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day. Let's not talk about how many days he'll wear the same socks.

Leg warmers:
Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants.

A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."

Cats:
Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

Offspring:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Low blows:
Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says, "Oh, gee. That must have hurt." The man groans and doubles over, and actually FEELS the pain.

Dressing up:
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.

A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

Laundry:
Women do laundry every couple of days.

A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."

Eating out:
When the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

Mirrors:
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror.

Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe Garagiola's head.

Menopause:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual.

Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction -- he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

The Telephone:
Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people.

A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

Richard Gere:
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.

Madonna:
Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.

Toys:
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest.

Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.

Cameras:
Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes.

Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.

Locker rooms:
In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.

Women talk about one thing in the locker -- sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.

Movies:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.

Jewelry:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry.

A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

Time:
When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.

Conversation:
Men need a good disagreement to get talking, e.g., "Wow, great movie.", "What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size." "Well, maybe he got it because he knew about those Mafia guys", etc...

Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by saying something agreeable: "That garden by the roadside looks lovely." "Mm hmm." Pause. "That was a good restaurant last night, wasn't it?" "Yeah." Pause. And so on.

Friends:
Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time.

Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos or Got any more beer?"

Restrooms:
Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restrooms will never speak a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"