I was in a gas station because I needed a pack of Kool Kings. In line in front of me was a retarded midget. And I mean really retarded, as in mentally disabled. Now, I am lacking in every midget-appropriate social grace known to man. I have no idea how to behave when a midget, or otherwise tiny person, is nearby. I often confuse them with children and speak to them as such. Add retarded to the mix, and I'm outright socially crippled. Additionally, after all this time, I'm still not sure if this retarded midget was a girl or a boy, or a man or a woman. I am just going to refer to her as "her" because it's easier that way. Just keep in mind that she might have been a he. She had no hair. Just peach fuzz on top of her head. She appeared to have a cold, which was creating a mess of mucus on her face. She was attempting to purchase a Pepsi, but she was 48 cents short. I happened to be holding, in my hand, two quarters. She was fumbling around for a few minutes, trying to locate 48 cents, and I was standing behind her holding the two quarters. I feel sorry for retarded people. It broke my heart, this scene. I walked up next to her and placed my two quarters on the counter. "Here you go," I said, smiling at her. The retarded midget turned her oozing face to mine. She smiled a really super big smile at me, which allowed me to pat myself on the back for a moment for my extraordinarily altruistic character. Then: "Thank you. Can I have a ride home?" I stared at her painfully for about five seconds. I made a decision. "No," I said. "Why not?" She asked. This is where I started to panic. I didn't want her to think that I was grossed out by her, and that I didn't want her coming in physical contact with my car. I didn't want her to think that it made me tremendously uncomfortable to be in such close vicinity with a midget, never mind a retarded one. I didn't want her to think that my charitable nature was strictly limited to those actions that cost fifty cents or less. These were the real reasons I declined to take the retarded midget home. "I don't have enough gas," I lied. "You are at a gas station. Get gas," she quipped. Outsmarted by a retarded midget. "I don't have enough money." I lied. "I just live right over that way," she said, pointing east. "I'm going that way," I lied, pointing west. "Then I live right over that way." She said, pointing west. Now, that frightened me. Before, there was a retarded midget who didn't want to walk home asking me for a ride. Now there was a retarded midget attempting to fool me into granting her access to my car, and whose motivation for this behavior was ambiguous. Petrifying. "No," I repeated, sticking to my guns. I bought my cigarettes with her standing uncouthly close to me. Then I walked out of the gas station, with her following unnervingly near. I tried to ignore her, but it couldn't be done. I could practically feel her. And then I broke. I began to run. I couldn't help myself. I was more than apprehensive at that point; I was terrified. I turned around while I ran. I don't know what I expected to see. I guess I wanted to see her face, whether I had offended her or not. The retarded midget was chasing me. Stubby little legs zigzagging rapidly back and forth, mucus and saliva flying off of her face and into the air. She was visually livid, just absolutely irate, and determined to get me. I got to my car, and it was like a horror movie. I fumbled with my keys. I dropped them on the ground and wasted time trying to retrieve them from under my car. The retarded midget was getting closer and closer. Finally, I got my act together and opened my car door. I managed to slip in and slam the door shut right before she came, bashing into my window. Snot and spit smeared all over the window, and I screamed in terror. She was smashing her fist on the glass, hollering, noise, but no intelligible words. I turned the keys with my shaking hand and started the car. She was still punching my window when I peeled out of the gas station to escape her dreadful attack. This was one menacing retarded midget. The incident ended there, but maybe the worst part of the whole thing was that no one believed me. I grew up in a small town, you see, and no one had ever heard of or seen a retarded midget living in the area. People tend to take notice of someone like that. There was Purple-Face Guy, Tanner the Wheelchair Kid, and the others, but no one knew of any local midgets, let alone retarded midgets. Months after the episode, I was driving home from a friend's house. I saw her again, the retarded midget. She recognized my car, and me in it. She raised her arm and extended her pointer finger out to me. Kept it up, pointing at me, until I couldn't see her in my rearview mirror anymore. Chilled me to the bone.

The past two months, my friend's been telling me about his problem that it burned when he peed. I've been telling him to go to a doctor and have it looked at but he was too embarrassed. I thought he got an STD from his girlfriend but he swears that she would never cheat on him and they've been sexing it up for that past 4 years.

He finally goes to the doctor, turns out he had a jalapeno seed lodged in his shaft. The funny thing about it all was that he was having unprotected anal sex with his gf for the past several months. 

Lesson of the day. . .never do your girl in the butt after she eats jalapenos.

Ingredients:

4 Tablespoons cake flour
4 Tablespoons sugar
2 Tablespoons cocoa
1 Egg
3 Tablespoons milk
3 Tablespoons oil
1 Mug

here’s what you do....
Add dry ingredients to the mug, and mix well.
Crack an egg and add it to your mug. Be sure to mix it
well to avoid any pockets of flour in the corners.
Pour in the milk and oil and mix well.
Add the chocolate drops if you’ve got them, and a splash
of vanilla essence too.
Pop your mug into the microwave & zap for 3 minutes on
maximum power (1000watt).
Wait until the cake stops rising, and sets in the mug.
If necessary, run a knife around the sides of the mug, and
tip the still warm cake out of the mug and onto a saucer.

finished product will look like this

http://www.dizzy-dee.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/06/chocolate-cake-11.jpg

http://www.dizzy-dee.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/06/chocolate-cake-12.jpg

I've posted about my neighborhood kids before.

Most of the worst have moved away.

The one that will end up growing up to be a thug... I've tried to stay on good terms with.

I've worked on his minibike, and given him tools so he can work on it himself
when I'm not around.

Last week he came over for help, and I noticed a lump on his forehead.

I assumed it was an infected zit or something.

No big deal.

He mentioned he traded an iPod for a paintball gun.

Again, I'm on good terms with him so MY house doesn't get custom polka dots overnight.

And I'm sure the iPod was stolen to begin with.

whatever.

Today he came over. I asked if he had gotten into trouble with the paintball gun yet.

He said the police chased him and his friends in their car,
and another car. But they all got away.

He said they were shooting their paintball gun at this other car,
who was shooting at them with a BB-gun.

He claimed every window was shot out of the car he was riding in, but he ducked.

When he poked his head up, he got shot in the forehead.

I said "yeah, right. Will a magnet stick to it?"

He said no. So I called bullshit.

He insisted, so I got a magnet from a computer hard drive.

Sure as shit, it stuck hard and fast.

I about fell off my deck laughing.

He wanted to know if the Walk-In clinic would remove it.

"not without asking a bunch of questions that you don't want to answer.
They'll probably call the police and report a shooting.
You'd be better off keeping it where it is."

I gave him the magnet and told him if he kept it stuck to the BB,
it would eventually pull the BB through the skin.

When he left, he was wearing the magnet.

heres a picture

[url]http://home.mchsi.com/~the_reaper/RJ.jpg[/url]

Knock knock

Oh hi, how's it going? It's me! Every girl ever. I'm really looking forward to this date. I'm not nearly as attractive as you remember me being because when we met the bar was dark and you were drunk. Come on in.

Let's start off with the unavoidable tour of my incredibly typical post-college-girl apartment.

You'll notice that I went ahead and purchased everything that Ikea and Pier 1 have ever produced. There's my decorative birdcage over there even though I don't have a bird, and there's my gay wicker basket with bamboo poles in it. I don't know what the hell that's thing's all about, but I bought it.

Hey check it out, I have more candles in here than a Roman Catholic Church. Doesn't it smell like Hazelnut!? If I were to light all of my candles at once you could see my apartment from space! I fucking love candles!

Come on into the living room.

Oh, I see you met my cat there. That's "Freddy Paws Jr." Why don't you pet him and act like you like cats even though you hate cats? There you go. Oh, he took a little swing at your eye there huh? Yeah, he'll do that. Hey, let's check out the kitchen.

Hey look at my refrigerator. There are pictures all over it! Look at all these pictures of me and my equally vacuous friends from college! We were so crazy! You can tell we're really good friends because our faces are all pressed up against each other like that.

And check it out, we're holding up alcoholic beverages to the camera in every single picture. That's to prove that we were partying. College was so fun! But of course I don't talk to any of these girls anymore because now they're all bitches.

Let's go back into the hallway!

Hey, before we leave I'm going to go in the bathroom for ten minutes for some mysterious reason. Why don't you sit awkwardly in my big, stupid, round papizan chair over there while you wait for me. It's like you're sitting in a hug! Be right back...

Sorry that took a half an hour, I don't know what the hell I was doing in there. Let's go!

Wow! Thanks for opening my car door for me! I'm totally going to blow that meaningless gesture out of proportion and delude myself into thinking that you're a really good guy because that's what I want to believe.

Well, here we are at the restaurant. No thanks waiter, I don't need to see a menu, just bring me some expensive things. Hey I know, while we wait, I'll tell you all about my unspeakably boring job. I hate my boss. He's a jerk! I might get another job. Maybe something in pharmaceutical sales.

Now let's talk about my family. I love my family. I want you to love my family. I want my family to love you. I want you to make love to my family! I want you to go golfing with my semi-retarded brother Travis. That would be so God damned cute!

Wow! I can't believe I ordered all this food! I have no intention of eating any of it. No thanks waiter, we don't need a box. Just throw it out.

Hey, I've got an idea, let's go to a bar and have an after dinner drink! It'll be great, it will be just like how we're drinking here, only it will be louder and we'll have to stand up. Come on!

See, isn't this better? Oh hey, what a coincidence. Look over there! It's a group of my friends that I knew was going to be here. Let's go over there so that they can judge you!

Hey, I have to go to the bathroom for a half an hour again for some reason. You can stay here and talk to my unbelievably hideous friend Christine! Christine's so ugly she scares kids! Talk to her! She has a job and a family that she wants to talk to you about too. Be right back.

I'm back! Sorry I was gone for three hours, there was a line. I want to go home now.

Well here we are at my door again. This was really fun for me and not you. You should pretend like we're going to do it again sometime! Maybe I'll see you at Target a few months from now and we can avoid eye contact because you never called me. Here, have this awkward goodnight kiss that's as empty as my soul. Good night! START CLTAGS -->

When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on.

Hold the doors open and say your waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"

Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"

Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an apointment.

Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.

Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.

Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

Ask, "Did you feel that?"

Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!"

Swat at flies that don't exist.

Tell people that you can see their aura.

Call out, "Group Hug!"and then enforce it.

Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"

Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "Your one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce, "I have new socks on".

Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passnegers, "This is MY personal space!"

This is when I completely lost hope in humanity. Now I’m no tree hugging hippy or anything, but I do think we should do things to stop this disaster that is unfolding in front of our eyes.

So one day I get assigned to do a project for class on how we could help change the world. My idea was to have everyone do their part (like recycling) to help stop global warming. So I have to go up now and do my presentation and its going rather well. At the end of the presentation the other students had to ask questions or put in their 3 cents in the subject.

That’s when one of my classmates just blurs out "WHO CARES ABOUT THE EARTH WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE ANYWAY". I didn’t take him seriously at all but when other people started agreeing with him that is when I completely lost it.

I was standing in front of the class and I was looking at them with a shocked expression. I just slapped my forehead shook my head and just walked out of class. This is when I figured out that we're FUCKED. Also I learned global warming isn’t the problem, stupid people are.

So I came up with a solution put all stupid people in a continent and kill them all. Then try to find an organic way to recycle them and make them useful in the world.

Anyone else agree?