Alabama - Putting salt on a railraod track may be punishable by death.

 Alaska - While it is legal to shoot bears, waking a sleeping bear for the purpose of taking a photograph is prohibited.

Arizona - You may not have more than two dildos in a house.

Arkansas - Alligators may not be kept in bathtubs.

California - No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.

Colorado - It is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor.

Connecticut - In order for a pickle to officially be considered a pickle, it must bounce.

Delaware - Getting married on a dare is grounds for an annulment

Florida - It is considered an offense to shower naked.

Georgia - No one may carry an ice cream cone in their back pocket if it is Sunday.

Hawaii - All residents may be fined as a result of not owning a boat.

Idaho - Illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.

Illinois - You may be convicted of a Class 4 felony offense, punishable by up to three years in state prison, for the crime of "eavesdropping" on your own conversation.

Indiana - A man over the age of 18 may be arrested for statutory rape if the passenger in his car is not wearing her socks and shoes, and is under the age of 17.

Iowa - One-armed piano players must perform for free.

Kansas - If two trains meet on the same track, neither shall proceed until the other has passed.

Kentucky - It's illegal to fish in the Ohio River in Kentucky without an Indiana Fishing License.

Louisiana - It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol.

Maine - Shotguns are required to be taken to church in the event of a Native American attack.

Maryland - It's illegal to take a lion to the movies.

Massachusetts - No gorilla is allowed in the back seat of any car.

Michigan - A woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her husband's permission.

Minnesota - Citizens may not enter Wisconsin with a chicken on their head.

Mississippi - Cattle rustling is punishable by hanging.

Missouri - Minors are not allowed to purchase cap pistols, however they may buy shotguns freely.

Montana - In Montana, it is illegal for married women to go fishing alone on Sundays, and illegal for unmarried women to fish alone at all.

Nebraska - It is illegal for bar owners to sell beer unless they are simultaneously brewing a kettle of soup.

Nevada - It is illegal to drive a camel on the highway.

New Hampshire - You may not tap your feet, nod your head, or in any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe.

New Jersey - If you have been convicted of driving while intoxicated, you may never again apply for personalized license plates.

New Mexico - State officials ordered 400 words of "sexually explicit material" to be cut from Romeo and Juliet

New York - It is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun.

North Carolina - It's against the law to sing off key

North Dakota - It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep with your shoes on.

Ohio - It is illegal to get a fish drunk.

Oklahoma - Dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to congregate in groups of three or more on private property.

Oregon - Dishes must drip dry.

Pennsylvania - It it illegal to sleep on top of a refrigerator outdoors.

Rhode Island - It is considered an offense to throw pickle juice on a trolley.

South Carolina - When approaching a four way or blind intersection in a non-horse driven vehicle you must stop 100 ft from the intersection and discharge a firearm into the air to warn horse traffic.

South Dakota - No horses are allowed into Fountain Inn unless they are wearing pants.

Tennessee - More than 8 women may not live in the same house because that would constitute a brothel.

Texas - The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home.

Utah - It is illegal to detonate any nuclear weapon. You can have them, but you just can't detonate them.

Vermont - Whistling underwater is illegal. 

Virginia - Children are not to go trick-or-treating on Halloween.

Washington - A law to reduce crime states: "It is mandatory for a motorist with criminal intentions to stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he is entering the town."

West Virginia - No children may attend school with their breath smelling of "wild onions."

Wisconsin - It is illegal to cut a woman's hair.

Wyoming - You may not take a picture of a rabbit during the month of June.

Here's the Beverage list with recipes...It's is New Orleans policy to follow
all instructions and report to the nearest liquor store in the event of a hurricane! :)

MANDATORY EVACUATION
1 1/2 oz. Absolute Ruby Red vodka
1/2 oz.vermouth
Clamato
Prune juice
Combine vodka and vermouth in cocktail glass. Fill remainder of glass with equal parts clamato and prune juice. Stir. Drink. Ask next-door neighbor whose fichus tree blew over and crashed onto your roof - even though you'd warned him for months to uproot it - if you can use his bathroom. Repeat.  

CATEGORY 5
1/2 oz. vodka
1/2 oz. tequila
1/2 oz.  rum
1/2 oz. bourbon
1/2 oz. gin
Sweet-and-sour mix
Splash of fruit juice
Combine vodka, tequila, rum, bourbon and gin in a tall glass. Fill remainder of glass with sw eet-and-sour mix and splash of juice. Stir, then garnish with an inverted drink umbrella. Drink during peak storm hours, and vow not to believe anyone who tries to tell you the hurricane that flooded your garage and destroyed your shed was just a Category 1.
 
CONE OF PROBABILITY
1 oz. cinnamon schnapps
1 sugar cone
Pour the schnapps into the sugar cone. Every time you hear a TV weatherman say, 'cone of probability,' bite off the end of the cone and down the shot. If you hear Jim Cantore say it, drink two shots consecutively. (they should change this to the 'Cantore Zone'... damn him. Have you ever noticed that, despite all the cone of probability talk, if Cantore is parked in front of your house your ass is toast?) - that is my personal favorite!

FEEDER BAND
2 oz. Midori
2 oz. rum
1 scoop vanilla ice cream
After your home loses power, combine Midori and rum in a cocktail glass. Add a scoop of the vanilla ice cream that is melting in your freezer. Stir, and drink through a straw.

BEACH EROSION
1 1/2 oz. Goldschloger
1 1/2 oz. apple brandy
1 pack Sugar in the Raw
Combine Goldschloger, apple brandy and sugar in cocktail glass. As you drink, seriously contemplate moving your Yankee ass back to New Jersey where it belongs.
 
DOWNED POWER LINE
1 1/2 oz.  rum
5 oz. Jolt Cola
Combine ingredients in a cocktail glass. Drink while trying to figure out how the heck you're supposed to go two freakin' weeks without television and AC.
 
FLOOD ZONE
2 oz. Kahlua
2 oz. Baileys Irish cream
4 oz. rum
Serve in a 6-ounce glass and laugh-cry deliriously as the mess spills all over the countertop.

COLD SHOWER
2 oz. Blue Aftershock
4 oz. Sprite
Combine in a cocktail glass with crushed ice you received after waiting in line for three hours at a mall parking lot. Take a deep breath, sip and scream lik e a little girl when the cold beverage hits your tongue. Repeat.
 
LOOTERS WILL BE SHOT
1 oz. Jack Daniel's
Splash of sarsaparilla
Rock salt
Load both barrels of a shotgun with rock salt. Climb to the roof of your house with gun, bottle of Jack Daniel's and can of sarsaparilla. Fill shot glass with Jack and splash of sarsaparilla. Watch for looters. When you spot one, blast his ass with
rock salt. Drink shot. Repeat.
 
THE CHAIN SAW
1 oz. Goldschlager
1 oz. Rumplemintz
3 oz. Jim Beam
Splash of vermouth
Combine Goldschloger, Rumplemintz and Jim Beam in an empty soup can. Add splash of vermouth. Drink. Remove chain saw from garage and attempt to cut up fallen tree limbs in yard. Ask neighbor to drive you to hospital when it all goes horribly wrong.
 
FOUR-WAY STOP
1 1/2 oz. vodka
1 1/2 oz. vodka and Midori
1 1/2 oz. vodka and Galliano
1 1/2 oz. vodka and grenadine
Pour each ingredient into a separate shot glass. Serve one to yourself and three other people. The person with the clear shot of vodka drinks first. The person to his right drinks the Midori shot, and so on. If somebody drinks out of order, develop a quick case of road rage and beat the living crap out of him.
 
BLUE TARP
1 1/2 oz. Curacao
2 oz. pineapple juice
Splash of lime
Combine ingredients in a leaky paper cup and serve. Wait six to eight months for someone to repair the cup. If you're impatient, hire an unlicensed, out-of-state contractor to do the job for an exorbitant sum and pray he doesn't hurt himself in the process.
 
FEMA FIZZLE
1oz. Southern Comfort
2 oz. sloe gin
Tonic water
One week after the storm has passed and your neighborhood is still in ruins with no sign of help on the way, combine Southern Comfort and gin in a cocktail glass. Fill remainder with tonic and add a dash of Angostura bitters. Serve with a nut brownie. Before drinki ng, raise the glass and say the toast, 'Doing a helluva job'.

Ya Think??!!

This is important information that the general public is not informed about. Please read. It can change your perspective on a lot of things.

Bill Phillips spent nearly 50 years in the US oil and gas industry; most of his career was with the Phillips Petroleum Company.  Bill is a descendant of Frank Phillips.  Frank Phillips, along with his brother Lee Eldas (L.E.) Phillips, Sr., founded the original Phillips Petroleum Company in 1917 in Bartlesville, OK.   Do you remember Phillips 66 gas stations?  Phillips Petroleum Company merged with Conoco, Inc. in 2002 to form the current ConocoPhillips oil company. 

So, when Bill talks about oil and gas issues, I tend to listen - very closely. I think that you will find Bill's thoughts and facts very revealing, very compelling and very difficult to argue with.

As you prepare to cast your crucial ballots this Fall, please think long and hard about the far-reaching, cumulative effects of the US political philosophies, policies and legislation that have contributed to the current and future US oil supply situation.
 

May 28, 2008

'Big Oil'
Did you know that the United States does NOT have any big oil companies. It's true: the largest American oil company, Exxon Mobil, is only the 14th largest in the world, and is dwarfed by the really big oil companies--all owned by foreign governments or government-sponsored monopolies--that dominate the world's oil supply.

This graph below tells the story; you can barely see the American oil companies as minor players on the right side of the chart in gray. The chart was presented to the House committee last week by Chevron.

With 94% of the world's oil supply locked up by foreign governments, most of which are hostile to the United States, the relatively puny American oil companies do not have access to enough crude oil to significantly affect the market and help bring prices down. Thus, ExxonMobil, a  'small'  oil company, buys 90% of the crude oil that it refines for the U.S. market from the big players, i.e, mostly-hostile foreign governments. The price at the U.S. pump is rising because the price the big oil companies charge ExxonMobil and the other small American companies for crude oil is going up as the value of the American dollar goes down.  They will eventually bleed this country into printin g even more money and we will go into runway inflation once again as we did under the Carter Democratic reign.

This is obviously a tough situation for the American consumer. The irony is that it doesn't have to be that way. The United States--unlike, say, France--actually has vast petroleum reserves. It would be possible for American oil companies to develop those reserves, play a far bigger role in international markets, and deliver gas at the pump to American consumers at a much lower price, while creating many thousands of jobs for Americans. This would be infinitely preferable to shipping endless billions of dollars to Saudi Arabia, Russia and Venezuela to be used in propping up their economies.

So, why doesn't it happen? Because the Democrat Party--aided, sadly, by a handful of Republicans--deliberately keeps gas prices high and our domestic oil companies small by putting most of our reserves off limits to development.  China is now drilling in the Caribbean, off Cuba but our own companies are barred by law from developing large oil fields off the coasts of Florida and California. Enormous oil-shale deposits in the Rocky Mountain states could go a long way toward supplying American consumers' needs, but the Democratic Congress won't allow those resources to be developed. ANWR contains vast petroleum reserves, b ut we don't know how vast, because Congress, not wanting the American people to know how badly its policies are hurting our economy, has made it illegal to explore and map those reserves, let alone develop them.

In short, all Americans are paying a terrible price for the Democratic Party's perverse energy policies.   I own some small interests in tiny, 4 barrel-per-day oil wells in Wyoming.   We have 14 agencies that have iron-hand jurisdiction over us.   If we drop any oil on the ground when the refinery truck comes to pick up oil from our holding tanks, we are fined.  Yet down the road the state will spray thousands of gallons of used oil on a dirt road to control dirt.  When it rains that oil runs into rivers and creeks.  Yet a cup of oil on the ground at our wellhead is a $50,000 EPA fine plus additional fines from state regulating agencies.  They treat oil as if it were plutonium that has the potential to leak into the environment.  We are fined if our dirt burms are not high enough around a holding tank, yet the truck that picks up our oil runs down the road at 60 mph with no burm around it.  People wonder why there is no more exploration in this country.   It's because of the regulators; people who have lived their whole lives doing nothing but imposing fines on small operators like us for doing mostly nothing.

So, America enjoy your $4.00 per gallon gasoline.  Your dollar is now worth 0.62 Euro-Cents.  The lack of American production of GNP, the massive trade deficit (as labor markets have moved overseas to fight insanely high union imposed labor costs in America) and the run away printing of money (backed by nothing of value here in America) has caused the dollar to become more worthless on the international market. And that's where our oil comes from.   It's paid for with dollars that become more worthless everyday.   If we had just kept par with the Euro we'd be paying $62 dollars per barrel for oil (42 gallons) or abou t $1.50 instead of $2.50 a gallon for crude oil.

What the US government also does not tell you is that it is the leaseholder and royalty recipient of most oil production and receives 25% of the gross oil sales before we pay for electricity to lift the oil, propane to keep the oil-water separators from freezing in the winters.  We pay a pumper to visit each well everyday plus we have equipment failures all the time.   We pay for that out of our 75% of gross sales.   The government does not share in any expenses to run any production well.   So, if the Big Oil Companies are making record profits, then so is the federal government from it's 25% tax on every molecule of oil sold to a refinery in this country.   Why isn't the government on the stand for 'Record' profits?   What you don't see is this 25% of the sales price of crude oil being siphoned away by the government.   That money plus the road taxes, state taxes, etc. amounts to over $1 per gallon of gasoline you are buying while the governments only admit to about 50 cents per gallon.

To all you Democrats, when you go vote for your candidate, a blazing liberal like Barrack Hussein Obama or Hillary Clinton, just keep in mind that their liberal spending habits will further decrease the value of the American dollar on the world market and your gasoline costs will hike even higher.   As they introduce more give-away programs, raise taxes on everyone to pay people not to produce or work, your dollar will continue to dwindle on the world market and you will be paying $10.00 per gallon at the next election.   Cheap hydrocarbon fuel is all over.   Enjoy!   Enjoy the fruits of your decision to elect these folks when you are there in that voting booth and you stab your pin through a Democrat's name.

William 'Bill' Phillips

An Ohio State University mortician student walked into the embalming room where a cadaver was lying on
the table. Confident that he knew enough now to begin the procedure without his instructor, he began to
examine the body. When he rolled it over, he was shocked to see a cork in the man's butt. Mystified, he
pulled it out and immediately heard the University of Michigan fight song come out of the guy's butt.

Shaken by what had happened, he quickly shoved the cork back into it's original resting place. He then
ran to get his instructor, nervously shouting, "Sir, you must come, you won't believe what I discovered!!"

Annoyed by the interruption, the professor said, "Let's take a look at this astounding discovery."

When they entered the morgue, the teacher was also surprised to see the cork, so he approached the table
and promptly removed the cork.

Upon hearing the University of Michigan fight song, he quickly replaced the cork in the cadaver's butt
and said, "What's so surprising about that? I've heard thousands of assholes sing that song!"

Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut
off his arm. His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to
get re-attached. The next day he goes to see his chum, and finds him playing tennis. "Incredible!,"
says his friend. "Medical science is amazing."

Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working when the same guy gets
too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg gets cut off. Again his buddy takes the leg,
puts it in a plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get re-attached. The next day, he goes down
to see his chum and finds him outside playing football. "Incredible!," says his friend. "Medical
science is amazing!"

Well another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the mill cutting wood when suddenly
the same guy bends down too close to the blade and off comes his head. Well his friend takes the head,
puts it in a plastic bag, and heads to the hospital to get it re-attached. The next day he goes to see
 his friend but can't find him. He sees the doctor walking down the hall and says, "Doc, where is my
friend? I brought him in yesterday." The doctor thinks for a minute and says, "Oh yeah, some idiot put
his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."

A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all
around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and
eats them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to
everyone's amazement, and somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey did?"

The guy says, "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry.
I'll pay for everything."

The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey
starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino
cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.
"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"No, what?" replied the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, pulled it out and ate it!"
said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. He still eats everything in sight but, ever since he
swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."

Men Steal From Spy Store

Don't leave clues behind ...

A BURGLAR who knocked on his victim's door before he crept in through an open window was caught after he left behind medication with his name on.

Heroin addict John Beckwith provided police with another valuable clue at the scene -an imprint of his training shoe on a window sill.

A court heard yesterday that Beckwith thought he was breaking into an empty house because homeowner Jane Simmonds did not answer his knocks on the door.

But the 28-year-old was left as shocked as Ms Simmonds when he walked into her bedroom and found her sitting on a bed having an afternoon cup of tea.

Drug addict Beckwith fled from the three-bedroomed house in Stockton with handfuls of belongings, but dropped a bottle of methadone on the grass outside.

Teesside Crown Court was told that he stole house and car keys, bottles of alcohol, cigarettes and a handbag containing credit cards and building society books.

Shaun Dodds, prosecuting, said Beckwith was arrested two days later and said police found the shoe that left the print at Ms Simmonds' home in Hunwick Walk.

Peter Wishlade, in mitigation, said Beckwith had been evicted from his home days before the break-in when police closed it down under drugs legislation.

He said: "He found himself living on the street, wandering around with no money and with nowhere to reside because none of his family would accommodate him.

"He checked by knocking on the door if anyone was in, but unfortunately, the lady did not hear that.

"He was as surprised as she was by the confrontation.

"He ran out. He had no wish to disturb anyone. He would like to apologise for the distress he would have caused that lady."

Beckwith, of Buchanan Street, Stockton, who has previous convictions for break-ins and thefts, admitted the July 28 burglary and was jailed for 30 months.

Judge Tony Briggs told him: "Sneak-in burglaries are very distressing because, however they are committed, however careful the owner is, one always runs the risk of confronting the householder."

The court heard that since he was on remand, Beckwith has reduced his methadone intake and is now employed in the prison workshop making tables and chairs for other jails.

I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

As a young boy, when you get splashed by a mud puddle on the way to school, you wonder if you should go home and change, but be late for school, or go to school the way you are; dirty and soaking wet. Well, while he tried to decide, I drove by and splashed him again.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a wooden stake.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

There's nothing so tragic as seeing a family pulled apart by something as simple as a pack of wolves.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing, I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought we won!"
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They're sort of like dogs. Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

I bet for an Indian, shooting an old fat pioneer woman in the back with an arrow, and she fires her shotgun into the ground as she falls over, is like the top thing you can do.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small way, they will be acknowledged as the greatest works of genius ever created by Man.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

I have to laugh when I think of the first cigar, because it was probably just a bunch of rolled-up tobacco leaves.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

If you're ever shipwrecked on a tropical island and you don't know how to speak the natives' language, just say "Poppy-oomy." I bet it means something.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

Too bad Lassie didn't know how to ice skate, because then if she was in Holland on vacation in winter and someone said "Lassie, go skate for help," she could do it.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

If you want to be the most popular person in your class, whenever the professor pauses in his lecture, just let out a big snort and say "How do you figger that!" real loud. Then lean back and sort of smirk.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just walk around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to me.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

I think college administrators should encourage students to urinate on walls and bushes, because then when students from another college come sniffing around, they'll know this is someone else's territory.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

He was the kind of man who was not ashamed to show affection. I guess that's what I hated about him.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

If they have moving sidewalks in the future, when you get on them, I think you should have to assume sort of a walking shape so as not to frighten the dogs.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

Whenever I hear the sparrow chirping, watch the woodpecker chirp, catch a chirping trout, or listen to the sad howl of the chirp rat, I think: Oh boy! I'm going insane again.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

It's fascinating to think that all around us there's an invisible world we can't even see. I'm speaking, of course, of the World of the Invisible Scary Skeletons.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

The land that had nourished him and had borne him fruit now turned against him and called him a fruit. Man, I hate land like that.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can't hypnotize you.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

The difference between a man and a boy is, a boy wants to grow up to be a fireman, but a man wants to grow up to be a giant monster fireman.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

I guess more bad things have been done in the name of progress than any other. I myself have been guilty of this. When I was a teenager, I stole a car and drove it out into the desert and set it on fire. When the police showed up, I just shrugged and said, "Hey, progress." Boy, did I have a lot to learn.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

It's amazing to me that one of the world's most feared diseases would be carried by one of the world's smallest animals: the real tiny dog.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

When the chairman introduced the guest speaker as a former illegal alien, I got up from my chair and yelled, "What's the matter, no jobs on Mars?" When no one laughed, I was real embarrassed. I don't think people should make you feel that way.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

Marta was watching the football game with me when she said, "You know, most of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its territory from invasion by another group." "Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

Here's a good trick: Get a job as a judge at the Olympics. Then, if some guy sets a world record, pretend that you didn't see it and go, "Okay, is everybody ready to start now?".
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

If you go to a party, and you want to be the popular one at the party, do this: Wait until no one is looking, then kick a burning log out of the fireplace onto the carpet. Then jump on top of it with your body and yell, "Log o' fire! Log o' fire!" I've never done this, but I think it'd work.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man is capable of being a good camper. So, murder and camping are not as similar as you might think.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

Laugh, clown, laugh. This is what I tell myself whenever I dress up like Bozo.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

In some places it's known as a tornado. In others, a cyclone. And in still others, the Idiot's Merry-go-round. But around here they'll always be known as screw-boys.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

Folks still remember the day ole Bob Riley came bouncing down that dirt road in his pickup. Pretty soon, it was bouncing higher and higher. The tires popped, and the shocks broke, but that truck kept bouncing. Some say it bounced clean over the moon, but whoever says that is a goddamn liar.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

Tonight, when we were eating dinner, Marta said something that really knocked me for a loop. She said, "I love carrots." "Good," I said as I gritted my teeth real hard. "Then maybe you and carrots would like to go into the bedroom and have sex!" They didn't, but maybe they will sometime, and I can watch.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

I hate it when people say somebody has a "speech impediment", even if he does, because it could hurt his feelings. So instead, I call it a "speech improvement", and I go up to the guy and say, "Hey, Bob, I like your speech improvement." I think this makes him feel better.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

Anybody who has an identity problem had better wise up and get with the program!
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

I think there should be something in science called the "reindeer effect." I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer effect."
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

If there was a terrible storm outside, but somehow this dog lived through the storm, and he showed up at your door when the storm was finally over, I think a good name for him would be Carl.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

Of all the tall tales, I think my favorite is the one about Eli Whitney and the interchangeable parts.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

If Alien was my friend, I'd like to be with him when he went to the dentist. When they started drilling, he'd probably go nuts and start eating everybody. That Alien!
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

I bet it's hard to break farmers of the old superstitions like "Tornado got Old Yeller, stay in the cellar."
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy) -->

If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot farther?" "No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots."

WARNING: THIS IS EXTREMELY GRAPHIC. DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED OR HAVE A WEAK STOMACH. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

This is considered to be the dirtiest joke ever told, tell me what you think. And no, I didn't write it.

A family walks into a talent agency. It's a father, mother, son, daughter and dog. The father says to the talent agent, "We have a really amazing act. You should represent us."

The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too cute."

The mother says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us."

The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."

"First I come out, wearing a tuxedo, playing Brahms. Just as the music reaches a crescendo, my wife in an evening gown runs on stage and undresses me before dancing provocatively on top of the piano.

Just as I finish playing the song with my cock, my wife strips and does a backflip off the piano in a split on stage. Once her naked ass hits the floor, my 7 year old daughter and 13 year old son rush on stage juggling flaming lawn darts. My wife does a handstand and catches the lawn darts in her cunt, she then manages to queef them out, making her the third part of this juggling act.

The queefs force her to squeeze out a few turds, which I eagerly start smearing on my naked body, which arouses me quickly. Once I'm fully aroused my daughter and son take turns blowing me while my wife straps on a monstrous dildo and begins reaming each child while i ejaculate in the eyes of my offspring.

Once I cum, I run into the audience, shit-covered body still sticky with cum and grab my parents and in-laws to involve them into the act. I strip them all nude and instruct them to start a circle jerk while screaming racial slurs. So my mother and father-in-law start screaming, "Fuck the niggers" while mutually masturbating, and my father and mother-in-law begin diddling one another and chanting, "I hate spics and jews!" Once they reach a geriatric climax, my wife uses their ejaculate to lube up her fist which she uses to start fisting me.

As my asshole is violated, I start playing double dutch with my kids, and once they get tangled in the ropes, start a torrid 69. All the sucking and slurping cause my in-laws and parents to get aroused again and they start sodomizing and fisting one another.

My wife at this point has completely started dry-heaving, so she vomits all over my ass and my back. I line up each of my family members who take turns licking the chunks of spew off my back and out of my ass.

By now my children have to defecate so I tell them to shit in each other's favorite orifices. My son, ever the trooper takes a thick, dense shit in his sister's vagina while my daughter shits in my son's nose.

My young daughter also conveniently starts her menstrual cycle shortly thereafter, and the menses and boy-shit in her cunt make for great lube, as each of my in-laws begin fucking my daughter. My son, blinded in shit, heads back to the piano and does his best Stevie Wonder impression while my wife runs back into the audience to grab a toddler from the crowd.

She begins stuffing this child into her vagina, while my parents begin screaming how she's possessed by Satan and start performing a nude exorcism on her. The power of christ compels them to kill the toddler, which also makes it easier to cram into my wife's lovehole.

By now, I'm so horny and aroused that I start fucking the dead baby inside my wife while my young son starts licking my asshole and fingering his paternal grandparents. My in-laws finish abusing my daughter and start wrestling each other, which culminates in a huge powerbomb through the piano bench. The impact shatters my mother-in-law's hips, leaving her crippled.

The strain of the throw caused my father's bad heart to seize, and he collapses in a heap on the stage. As he gurgles and foams at the mouth, my daughter runs over and begins rubbing her shit covered pussy lips all over my crippled mother-in-law.

My wife grabs the wooden shards of the piano bench and begins playing her father's dying body like a xylophone. My son pulls his tongue out of my asshole and begins sucking his dying grandfather's cock.

I diall 911 and call for the paramedics who revive my father-in-law and then take turns fucking my daughter and eating the menses and shit out of her tight cunt.

Once he's conscious we all assemble in a large circle holding hands and chanting gibberish before launching into a rousing group impression of 'A Downs Syndrome' perspective on the horrors of the holocaust, 9/11 and the bombing of Pearl Harbor.

As we're moaning and screaming, my son runs off-stage to get the family dog. The dog runs over to my crippled mother-in-law and begins peeing on her. Once the dog finishes leaving her in a puddle of piss, my daughter stops blowing the paramedics to light the dog on fire.

The dog yelps and howls before collapsing. My son runs over to fuck the burnt corpse while screaming, "White is right!"as my daughter begins goose-stepping around the stage, squeezing shit out of her cunt and offering Nazi salutes to the audience.

My father-in-law begins raping my father, claiming that he's doing it for the forgotten Vietnam vets and POWs. My mother puts my crippled mother-in-law on her shoulders as I put my wife on my shoulders and we play a game of naked chicken.

Once my son finishes fucking the dead dog. He takes the pieces of the piano bench and begins crucifying the corpse. Once the dog is hung like jesus, he begins weeping at the foot of the cross, saying, "Why my god have you forsaken me?"

My daughter mounts the top of the crucifix, using it as a wooden dildo. My parents, my in-laws and my wife join hands at the center of the stage and start singing "The Hills Are Alive With The Sound Of Music"

I grab the lawn darts and shove one up everyone's ass before heading back to the piano to finish off the show with a rendition of Freebird."

For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he manages, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call it?"

And the father says, "The Aristocrats!"

Here are a few excerpts of funny letters to landlords.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfires and burnt my knob off.

This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk? Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now  pregnant.

Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap? My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy

Will you please send a man to look at my water. It is a funny color and not fit to drink.

It’s the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

Who do you think will make the best president out of the potential candidates? Why does he/she have your support? Why are you against the other candidate?  Any and all comments are welcome. I am doing this to hear the different reasons from other people so I can hopefully make an educated decision when it comes time to vote. As of right now I leaning towards McCain.

I like to wake up each morning felling a new man. -
-- Jean Harlow

 

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by
-- Douglas Adams

 

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
-- Walt Disney

 

I married the first man I ever kissed. When I tell this to my children, they just about throw up
-- Barbara Bush

 

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
-- Groucho Marx

 

I never made a mistake in my life; at least, never one that I couldn't explain away afterwards.
-- Rudyard Kipling

 

I never married because I have three pets at home that answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night. -
-- Marie Corelli

 

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
-- Emo Philips

 

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet
-- Henry Youngman

 

If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real fast.
-- Jack Handey

 

If you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
-- John Wayne

 

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But ONLY if you're serious about adopting the vulture.
- Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live)
-- Jack Handey

 

If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.
-- Dick Cavett

 

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
-- Emo Philips

 

In Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One was pro da. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: Turn back at once to Channel One.
-- Yakov Smirnoff

 

In the first place God made idiots; that was for practice; then he made school boards.
-- Mark Twain

You can lead a man to Congress but you can't make him think !
- Milton Berle

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either !
- Jack Benny

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
- Woody Allen

I'm so unlucky that if I was to fall into a barrel of nipples I'd come out sucking my thumb!
- Freddie Starr

Sleep is an excellent way of listening to an opera !
- James Stephens

I can remember Doris Day before she was a virgin.
- Oscar Levant

I pretty much try to stay in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my face.
- Johnny Depp

Sometimes you have to be a bitch to get things done.
- Madonna

The cool thing about being famous is traveling. I have always wanted to travel across seas, like to Canada and stuff.
- Britney Spears

Every woman should have four pets in her life. A mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass who pays for everything.
- Paris Hilton

Celebrity is the chastisement of merit and the punishment of talent.
- Emily Dickinson

I am beautiful, famous and gorgeous.
- Anna Kournikova

A celebrity is one who is known by many people he is glad he doesn't know
- Henry Louis Mencken

I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons.
- Douglas Adams

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you !
- Rita Mae Brown

The trouble with children is that they're not returnable !
- Quentin Crisp

Whether the cause is a previous night of drinking or a big lunch, the outcome is the same: Farts.

Seventy percent of the time, we can dispense freely. The other 30% of the time, such as at work, we have some tough decisions to make. This document is intended to help you in those decisions.

Holders - The obvious choice is just plain holding it in. A popular choice among the females and an almost impossible choice for males. I am not in favor of holding, as I believe the medical community has not done enough research about the long-term damage of holding. Really, where does it go if you hold it in? So be forewarned, using this tactic is to be done at your own risk.

Desk Jockey - When deciding to release right at your desk, one has many factors to consider:

- Do you have your own office? Feel free to fart at will risk free. After commencing, I highly recommend locking the door and feigning you are not in the office to avoid any unwanted visitors. I also highly recommend against spraying air freshener, as the smell of the freshener is a dead giveaway. Candles are a good alternative solution for the females.

- Are you seated at a cubicle or open desk? If so, one has to consider the proximity of the other workers and the density of workers in the area. If it is just you and one other person in the area, there is nowhere to place the blame. If others are fairly distant to you, the smell will dissipate by the time it reaches the others on all but the most egregious of days. There is always the chance of dispensing at higher decibels than anticipated due to the highly unstable nature of farts. In these most unfortunate situations, you will have to use cover up sounds such as scraping your heal on the floor. I recommend practicing making sounds covering a wide range of tones and pitches in anticipation of such an event. Dropping objects such as staplers, binders and tape may not produce a similar sound, but if done in rapid succession could distract others from the initial event.

Meetings: - Sometimes the urge strikes at the most inopportune time. Meetings and gas really do not mix. Releasing at a meeting is by far the trickiest of all the situations one could find oneself in. Although I am against holding in general, a meeting may be the time for it. It really depends if you have established baseline farts before the meeting. This will give you a sense of the decibel and scent level of what is to be expected. Warning: Do not ever use a meeting as the place to establish a baseline. Of course none of the above applies if you are meeting with vendors. You have free reign to do whatever you like.

Aisle Walker: - Releasing while walking around the office is a popular option. By the time the scent disseminates, you should be nowhere near the scene of the incident. The added benefit is that if the release is done at higher decibels than anticipated, you can break out into an all out sprint thereby fleeing the scene before others even look up to notice.

Broom Closet: - One option is to find a broom closet and release inside the closet. The only drawback is explaining why you were in the broom closet if you are caught entering or leaving the closet. I found stashing stationery supplies in the closet provides a nice excuse. People will love you for informing them about the backup stationery supply cabinet. Of course, you then have to find another closet, as your original place will become too risky.

And remember, if you're workplace has many open flames, you are on your own.