You swine. You vulgar little maggot. Don't you know that you are pathetic? You worthless bag of filth. As we say in Texas, I'll bet you couldn't pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel. You are a canker. A sore that won't go away. I would rather kiss a lawyer than be seen with you.

You are a fiend and a coward, and you have bad breath. You are degenerate, noxious and depraved. I feel debased just for knowing you exist. I despise everything about you. You are a bloody nardless newbie twit protohominid chromosomally aberrant caricature of a coprophagic cloacal parasitic pond scum and I wish you would go away.

You're a putrescence mass, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little worm deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk, a cad, a weasel. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench, a revulsion, a big suck on a sour lemon.

You are a bleating fool, a curdled staggering mutant dwarf smeared richly with the effluvia and offal accompanying your alleged birth into this world. An insensate, blinking calf, meaningful to nobody, abandoned by the puke-drooling, giggling beasts who sired you and then killed themselves in recognition of what they had done.

I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as you. You are a monster, an ogre, a malformation. I barf at the very thought of you. You have all the appeal of a paper cut. Lepers avoid you. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, a fungus, the dregs of this earth. And did I mention you smell?

If you aren't an idiot, you made a world-class effort at simulating one. Try to edit your writing of unnecessary material before attempting to impress us with your insight. The evidence that you are a nincompoop will still be available to readers, but they will be able to access it more rapidly.

You snail-skulled little rabbit. Would that a hawk pick you up, drive its beak into your brain, and upon finding it rancid set you loose to fly briefly before spattering the ocean rocks with the frothy pink shame of your ignoble blood. May you choke on the queasy, convulsing nausea of your own trite, foolish beliefs.

You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. You are grimy, squalid, nasty and profane. You are foul and disgusting. You're a fool, an ignoramus. Monkeys look down on you. Even sheep won't have sex with you. You are unreservedly pathetic, starved for attention, and lost in a land that reality forgot.

And what meaning do you expect your delusionally self-important statements of unknowing, inexperienced opinion to have with us? What fantasy do you hold that you would believe that your tiny-fisted tantrums would have more weight than that of a leprous desert rat, spinning rabidly in a circle, waiting for the bite of the snake?

You are a waste of flesh. You have no rhythm. You are ridiculous and obnoxious. You are the moral equivalent of a leech. You are a living emptiness, a meaningless void. You are sour and senile. You are a disease, you puerile one-handed slack-jawed drooling meatslapper.

On a good day you're a half-wit. You remind me of drool. You are deficient in all that lends character. You have the personality of wallpaper. You are dank and filthy. You are asinine and benighted. You are the source of all unpleasantness. You spread misery and sorrow wherever you go.

I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. I mean rock-hard stupid. Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. Stupid so stupid that it goes way beyond the stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid. You are trans-stupid stupid. Meta-stupid. Stupid collapsed on itself so far that even the neutrons have collapsed. Stupid gotten so dense that no intellect can escape. Singularity stupid. Blazing hot mid-day sun on Mercury stupid. You emit more stupid in one second than our entire galaxy emits in a year. Quasar stupid. Your writing has to be a troll. Nothing in our universe can really be this stupid. Perhaps this is some primordial fragment from the original big bang of stupid. Some pure essence of a stupid so uncontaminated by anything else as to be beyond the laws of physics that we know. I'm sorry. I can't go on. This is an epiphany of stupid for me. After this, you may not hear from me again for a while. I don't have enough strength left to deride your ignorant questions and half baked comments about unimportant trivia, or any of the rest of this drivel. Duh.

The only thing worse than your logic is your manners. I have snipped away most of what you wrote, because, well... it didn't really say anything. Your attempt at constructing a creative flame was pitiful. I mean, really, stringing together a bunch of insults among a load of babbling was hardly effective...maybe later in life, after you have learned to read, write, spell, and count, you will have more success. True, these are rudimentary skills that many of us "normal" people take for granted that everyone has an easy time of mastering. But we sometimes forget that there are "challenged" persons in this world who find these things more difficult. If I had known, that this was your case then I would have never read your post. It just wouldn't have been "right". Sort of like parking in a handicap space. I wish you the best of luck in the emotional, and social struggles that seem to be placing such a demand on you.

P.S.: You are hypocritical, greedy, violent, malevolent, vengeful, cowardly, deadly, mendacious, meretricious, loathsome, despicable, belligerent, opportunistic, barratrous, contemptible, criminal, fascistic, bigoted, racist, sexist, avaricious, tasteless, idiotic, brain-damaged, imbecilic, insane, arrogant, deceitful, demented, lame, self-righteous, byzantine, conspiratorial, satanic, fraudulent, libelous, bilious, splenetic, spastic, ignorant, clueless, illegitimate, harmful, destructive, dumb, evasive, double-talking, devious, revisionist, narrow, manipulative, paternalistic, fundamentalist, dogmatic, idolatrous, unethical, cultic, diseased, suppressive, controlling, restrictive, malignant, deceptive, dim, crazy, weird, dystopic, stifling, uncaring, plantigrade, grim, unsympathetic, jargon-spouting, censorious, secretive, aggressive, mind-numbing, arassive, poisonous, flagrant, self-destructive, abusive, socially-retarded, puerile, clueless, and generally Not Good.

I Hope This Helps...

I am sorry. I know this is a joke, but it is too long to even finish in a comment...soooo. :(

Johnny was 8 years old and like other boys his age rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about 'courting' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done.
One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered.

Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described
EVERYTHING to his mother. 'Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he started kissing and hugging herI figured 'Sis must be getting sickbecause her face started looking funny.
He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have
trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath.

His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time 'Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick -- a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When Sis saw it, she got really scared -- her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake by our house!

Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway.

He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats -- they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet

I am not posting this to be annoying =) This website is awesome. but I made this blog because its sometimes fun to be able to complain without being flamed by dumbasses...sadly,this is public,so we will be flamed. but I honestly don't care... I don't want to blog about anything that will piss people off, so I will delete it if I get to many dumbass messages I guess, But ...

I hate the people who make those  blogs about how bad thier life is,and how noone understands,as if they're the ONLY ones who feel misunderstood and upset sometimes...I hate the people who go around the jokes section and get some kind of"Cheap thrill" From posting the one,annoying word "old" repeatedly and giving 1 star to everything....Please elaborate... No matter what theres always something we don't like about SOMETHING... Oh,my last thing is... I hate people who write blogs about hating things on eBaumsworld! That drives me fucking INSANE! feel free to write your own rants about eBaumsworld suck balls,and  post feedback!!!leave me the hell alone!

We've all had a fight with those little dorky 11 yr old dumbasses on the internet. but whats the one thing they've said thats actually been so stupid that it made you LAUGH at how they tried to insult you  and it completely backfired on their stupid ass? Its happened to everyone... I understand how POINTLESS this thread is, but its always fun to make fun of kids who don't know shit but pretend they do... Like this dumbass kid Kobelyn on eBaumsworld... he started talking shit, and when I started fuckin with him hardcore, like sendin him hack threats and his I.P adress, He started with caps lock (Because apparently Caps lock is cruise control for cool now) and said he "Sucked" my moms pussy...lmfao....

Please comment!

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bringing you pointless threads since 1994 last week

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!"

Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand.... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." --

My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." And the doctor said, "Look, mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend, so get yourself a dog."

Mgam is gay.

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away. I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary, the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace. The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez." When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub: -- Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.) -- Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket. -- Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water. -- Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penney.) -- Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.) -- Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semipermanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with you foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat. In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But at least now he smells a lot better. grats if you read this far.

Mgam is gay

for those of you who saw my first one and liked it... Enjoy!

1.  If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?

2.  I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag.

3.  If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!

4.  How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?

5.  I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your face.

6.  Roses are red.  Violets are blue.  I like spaghetti.  Let's go fuck.

7.  Is that a keg in your pants?  'Cause I would love to tap that ass!

8.  If your right leg was Thanksgiving and your left leg was Christmas,
     could I meet you between the holidays?

9.  You remind me of a Championship bass, I don't know whether to mount
     you or eat you!

10.  Your parents must be retarded, because you are special.

11.  Could I touch your belly button. . . . from the inside?

12.  I'm not too good at algebra, but doesn't U+I=3D 69?

13.  How about we play lion and lion tamer?  You hold your mouth open,
     and I'll put my head in.

Friend,

When you are sad,.....I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

When you are blue,...I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

When you smile,...I'll know you finally got laid.

When you are scared,...I will rag you about it every chance I get.

When you are worried,...I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.

When you are confused,...I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass.

When you are sick,...stay away from me until you're well again.  I don't want whatever you have.

When you fall,...I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath,...I pledge 'til the end.  Why you may ask?  Because you're my friend! so true....sooo,true....

I have been on  Ebaums world for only a day, which I know that isnt enough time to earn major ammounts of eRep, but there has to be a better way than  just useless blog after blog like i've been doing.  I mean what am I supposed to do, Buy points? Get SPONSORED? thats nearly impossible from what I've heard... Maybe I just haven't come across it yet... Sorry if this is considered "Spam"... I'll delete it if so

       _-_***     I LIKE COOKIES^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

          _-_***    I LIKE PIE@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

           _-_***I LIKE COOKIES THAT EAT PIE~~~~    

              Mangwow

A little boy goes to play outside and he hears his parents inside,shouting at eachother. "You stupid ugly bitch!" His father yelled. "You insensitive mindless bastard!" his mother replied. Later he goes to his mother and says "Mommy,Whats a bitch, and whats a bastard?" She thinks quickly and says "well a bitch is a lady and a bastard is a gentleman." so later he goes outside and he hears the neighbors Having sex. he hears the words "Pussy" and "Penis" He goes to his mom and asks what it means."Well a penis is a hat and pussy is a coat. so he goes upstairs and his father is shaving. he cuts himself and yells "SHIT!"
Little bobby asks "Daddy,what is shit?" he replied "Its just another word for blood" his father says. so then he goes downstairs and his mother is making a turkey. she cuts herself "FUCK!" she exclaimed. He goes "mommy, what is 'fuck' ?" its just a word for cutting up. so later the guests arrived. the little boy says "Greetings bitches and bastards! may I have your penis and pussy? Dad is upstairs washing shit off his face and mom is in the kitchen fucking the chicken.

The mother fainted.

...speaks for itself XD

 1. During your initial consultation he tries to
 sell you Amway.
 

2. He tells you that his last good case was a
 "Budweiser."

 3. When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is,
 they high-five each other.

 4. He picks the jury by playing
 "duck-duck-goose."

5. During the trial you catch him playing his
 Gameboy.

6. He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."

 7. A prison guard is shaving your head.

 8. Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack
 Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.

 9. He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.

 10. He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the
 defense table.

 11. He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally
 McBeal once said ..."

 12. He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v.
 Mothra.

13.Just before trial starts he whispers"the  judge is the one with the little hammer, right?"

14. Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes
 those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.

 15. The sign in front of his law office reads
"Practicing Law Since 2:25 PM."

16.Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever."
 

17. He giggles every time he hears the word
"briefs

Sadly #21 happened to me... =( im retarded.. enjoy

1. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Walmart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.

2. Just call me milk, I'll do your body good.

3. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

4. I may not be Fred Flinstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.

5. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

6. My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and going.

7. Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way right away.

8. I'd like to screw yours brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.

9. If your were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.

10. Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants.

11. Wanna play house? You be the screen door and I'll slam you all night long.

12. Guy: "Would you like to dance?"
Girl: "I don't care for this song and surely I wouldn't dance with you."
Guy: " I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants."

13. Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I've seem to have lost mine.

14. I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house?

15. If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg was Christmas, can I visit you between the holidays?

16. I love every bone in your body -- especially mine.

17. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

18. Hi, I'm a necrophilliac, how good are you at playing dead?

19. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

20. The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's more room for your tongue.

21. Guy: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Girl: "Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore."

This is a great example of how things can go from good to bad... and then bad to worse...enjoy =D

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Worse: Your daughter has them.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Worse: You're in them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a crossdresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.

Good: Your son's finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Worse: So are you.

Good: You give the birds and bees speech to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Worse: With corrections.

Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Worse: She's a lawyer.

Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: The postman had the same idea.
Worse: You have to wait

You are going to love this one. Have fun =) also,post some feedback.

1. Stand close to the speaker and yell your order, using colorful expletives in ways which would embarrass the patrons inside.

2. Drive through backwards.

3. Belch your order.

4. After ordering, cover the speaker and mic with transparent tape. Watch as customers and order-takers are unable to hear each other and, thus, each raises his/her volume.

5. Barter. Offer a Whopper for a Big Mac.

6. Walk through.

7. Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to). When the manager comes to the mic, speak English and inquire as to why the order taker had such difficulty understanding you.

8. Repeat everything the order-taker says.

9. Attempt to take the order-takers order ("Hi, may I take your order?") before they get a chance to take yours.

10. Order confusing items, i.e., "Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and a small medium fries, please".

11. In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order, then slip out of line and watch the fun as the person behind you is handed 40 bags of food.

12. When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage & ask if they'll dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells.

13. Drive through with a carload of naked people.

14. Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.

15. Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.

16. Bring along a Mr. Microphone. When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice.

17. One word: Flatulence!

18. Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.

19. If you are a male, have a female friend place the order by speaking VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker. When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow employees have been called over to the window to "check out the babe".

20. Change a flat tire in the drive-thru lane.