Ok so now that I took the time to calm down. Let me tell you what I just saw. Which quite possibly be the best thing I saw all year. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was on TV. I don't really care for the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon. I much prefer the ones I grew up with back in the 80's and early 90's. But This episode of the new TMNT was different. This had Shredder with a dimension cross over device. Which transport the turtles into an alter universe. The Shedder and the turtles crossed over to the 80's world of TMNT and showed a little clip of the old school TMNT movie. Which was so awesome. This was like reliving my childhood all over again. They even crossed over to the comic book version of the TMNT. It was basically 3 different generations of turtles all compiled into one TV movie. The Shedder of course wanted to destroy all the alter universes destroying all the turtles forever. Even the 80's Shedder thought that was too wacked and too evil to comprehend. All the 80's Shedder wanted to do was rule the world. Not destroy it! So the old school Shredder join forces with the turtles to taking down the evil Shredder. Now I am not one to spoil the ending here but the battle was pretty epic. 3 generations of TMNT vs. 1 major Shredder. WOWZA! (Don't worry it wasn't anti climatic as the first two original live action movie.)

ps. This didn't happen Once Upon a Time a go. This happened just now.  This is a True Story I Swear!

Once Upon A Time it was Thanksgiving at the Perkins house.  I decided to go turkey hunting with my two best friends.  I took my gun and yee haw off we went.  When me and my friends got to the woods we decided to split up and be back at the pick up in 2 hours.  Not to long into my search I found a big turkey all by himself.  I aimed my gun put my finger on the trigger and as I was just about to shoot the turkey turned around gave me and evil glare and put his feather in his mouth and wistled.  Next thing you know I am ambushed by 200 turkeys.  True story I swear.  They even captured and tied to a tree my two best friends.  The pack leader demaneded I put down my gun or else my friend Steve gets it.  A turkey pulls out a chainsaw and puts it right to Steve's leg.  The turkey's demans were to take my truck and head back into town for human huntting.  Just in the distance I saw a wolf and I yelled to the wolf.  What time is it Mr. Wolf?  The wolf stands up pull out his glasses and looked at the watch and said.  "It's Dinner Time!!!!" Mr. Wolf ran at the turkeys eating them left and right.  I pulled the chainsaw out of one of the turkeys wings and slaughter my way to my friends.  I rescued my friends and we ran for the truck.  We grabbed a few dead turkeys  along the way put them in the truck and drove off in time for Thanksgiving dinner.  Turns out the turkeys had a bad case of bird flu so we had to settle with Chef Boyardee.

MR. Winston Wolf his soul will always live on in our hearts

(1994 - 2009)

Once upon a time I was reading my favourite Cilfford book.  It was the one where he got a job.  I thought he give me some tips but no such luck, by the end of the book I felt worse than the time I took a shit and all the pimples on my face popped at the same time.  After I put down the book of moral which was employers will more likely hire a big red dog than hire you. I read the newspaper on Osama Bin Ladin.  It got me thinking on the times I used to search for people back when it was fun and not creepy.  This one lady I tried to find but she travled around the world and I could never catch her.  Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?  I have a better chance of catching a cold than catching her.  Aparently the police tapped my computer and used my seaching skills to get closer to her.  Since the police is in on the search it got me thinking.  What did Carmen Sandieo do to become wanted and go into hidding?  Remember the head aches Where's Waldo books gave you?  Rumor has it my friend found him, but he never showed up to school the next day and i haven't seen him since.   True story I swear. I always had trouble finding Waldo by the fourth page I was like "Fuck it I am out!"  Lets not for get that mind cluster fuck at the end of the book. 1 million Waldos, but only one is the real one.  I much prefer the Where's Waldo books at the library because some kid circled where Waldo was.  It made my life much easier just like the "ILM" cheat in Wolfenstein 3D.  Today I am on bigger mysteries  I am right now trying to figure out who framed Roger Rabbit? I am so close just a few more clues.

Once upon a time during puberty I grew a giant penis, it is my gift it is my curse.  I know most guys love to have one but not me.  Having a giant penis cums great responsibility.  There was this one time I was taking a piss but I sneezed at the same time.  My dick flicked up and down causing piss to go all over the seat, floor and in my mouth.  True story I swear.  This was the grosses thing to ever happen to me.

Even sex is a touchy subject.  I assume I can only have sex with giant whores or giant women from the land of the giants.  Whores will at least have a loose vigina so it wouldn't hurt so much.  But if I had sex with a virgin girl I would of completely destory her vagina.  She would bleed all over my bed and I'll be forced to drive her to the hospital.  I'll be yelling at doctors to get my girlfriend a vigana transplant ASAP.  The doctors will tell me they don't do vigana transplants.  I'll have to hold the whole emergency room hostage until I get my girlfriend a new vagina.  I'll tell the cops what I want because I WILL NOT BURY MY GIRLFRIEND MY GIRLFRIEND WILL BURY ME!!!  I am a gentalman that way.  I am way to respectful of women.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JbU1o5e_WnE

Once upon a time I woke up with a sore throat.  I didn't think anything of it, but then a month went by and my voice is returning back to normal.  It wasn't even going deeper so I knew I couldn't be hitting puberty #2.  My paranoid but yet my proud Italian father suggest I take a trip to the doctors.  I book an afternoon appointment with the doctor when I arrived for my appointment.  I told him my situation and the tests begin.  We do a bunch of voice tests but still no results so he puts his finger in my bum.  Still nothing but now when I go poo it is like turning on the tap.  The doctor is as baffled as I am.  The doctor asks me if I have been smoking I replied "No! That's disgusting."  He then asked if I was smoking cock.  and I replied "err ummm....nooooo" Then my father busted down the door and yelled. "BULLSHIT!!! Tell him the truth he is a doctor!"  The doctor tried to calm my father down but no such luck.  When my father gets mad he speaks in Italian and he was yelling at the doctor to do more test.  The doctor then yelled back at him in Italian.  Now this was where I was tripping balls because the doctor was a fresh off the boat Chinese guy.  True story I swear.  Just hearing the yelling back and forth was freaking me out.  So I left the building and promised myself to never smoke a pole every again.

Once upon a time on June 8th 1985 I was born.  24 years later I realized I am still alive.   Time to celebrate.  I want to go to a strip club but since the last time was my first time seeing a vagina, it really didn't live up to all the hype that I was expecting.  For my birthday I always wanted a watch since my last one battery died either that or all of space time continuum has stopped. My dad woke me up and he took my left hand and drew a clock reading 3:15pm.  He told me that the time he drew will be right at least twice a day.  It actually works. True story I swear.  Right now I am eating my cake that my sister made.  No she is not hot, even though everyone thinks so...frinking sickos!!!  My mom lit the candles and told me to make a wish.  I did just that but the wish didn't come true because I still have cerebral palsy.  That's the 24th time my wish didn't come true.

Once upon the time my car was running on empty.  I had $60 with me or so I thought.  I pull into Ploter Canada to fill up.  For you non Canadians Polter Canada is the new Petro Canada. Point is their both gas stations.  I put down $50 worth of gas.  I go up to the cash counter to pay and it turns out I don't have any money in my left pocket.  I told the guy at the counter that I'll be back in five minutes with the money I gave him my word as a man.  My word as a man was not good enough for this guy.  The cashier bends down to pick up a TV set and he puts it on the counter.  The guy turns it on and it was nothing but white noise.  I recommend him change it to channel three.  I hear a bunch of noises coming from the TV.  I put my hand on the screen and a little blond girl walks up to the cash counter and says to me. "There heeeree!!!" All of a sudden I am sucked into the TV.  Turns out Polter Canada is actually Poltergeist Canada a gas station that insists on building on top of old cemeteries.  All because of this I am now in a dimension full of goblins and ghosts tormenting me.  I pulled out my cell phone and I called the Ghostbusters 555-2368.  Turns out that number doesn't even exist.  I felt so raped of my childhood.  Just then I heard a noise behind me. "Waka. waka, waka."  I turn around and Clyde from Pac Man is coming to eat me. True story I swear.  I ran like the wind.  Everyone knows Pinky is an easier ghost to run from but Clyde, well he means business.   As I was running I hear my girlfriend's voice coming from nowhere.  My bitch I mean girlfriend asked why I didn't pay the man.  I yelled back that I forgot the money...  Just then I checked my right pocket and sure enough my money was in the right pocket I pull out the money and I get sucked back out of the TV.  I pay the cashier and my girlfriend and I were off.  This is experience got me so horny I drove home like a mad man and was ready to make hard core love.  Turns out I just had to go poop.

Once upon a time I bought two bunnies one of them was all white the other was gray.  I named the white one Roger and the gray one Bugs.  I put them in my room and I went out with a couple of friends to a hockey game.  When I got home I went into my room and I saw 300 rabbits all of them holding automatic weapons.  True story I swear.   Apparently Roger wasn't a Roger at all it was a Rogina.  To think I was going to introduce Roger to my hot red head friend Jessica.  I was amazed that bunnies can reproduce so fast.  One bunny fries his gun at me, the bullet just misses me.  All the bunnies gave me an evil glare.  I knew they meant business.  I took a frying pan and smashed 18 bunnies into the ground I took another 50 and made a bunny coat out of them.  Luckily for me rabbits have horrible aim and they could never get me with their guns.  I took another 68 bunnies and I stocked them into the Microwave.  Have you ever seen a pizza pocket explode? Imagine that times 68.  12 bunnies held me down and raped me.  It was so horrible; they tried to make me their jill. I reached under my bed and I grabbed a bag of carrots and I threw it at them.    All the bunnies ate the carrots and their eyes changed bright red.  My mother always told me carrots are good for your eyes.  I didn't think they were that good.  The bunnies started to shoot lasers out of their eyes.  I grabbed a mirror to reflect the lasers.  The lasers completely destroyed the mirror.  Damn movies lied to me.  Finally I figured out whey these bunnies are so violent.  They were all cooped up in my room.  I opened a bag saying "free carrots" they all hopped in.  I then took them into a cornfield where they were all devoured by raptors.  I now have a craving for pizza pockets

Once Upon a time I worked at Canadas Wonderland.  I was a sweeper.  As I was walking around sweeping trash I found a few nuts and bolts loose by Flight Deck.  I didn't really think anything of it so I pulled them up and threw it away.  That is when all hell broke loose.  Turns out those nuts and bolts were the most important part of the ride, because the entire ride came crashing down.  People were screaming running for cover.  This started a chain reaction.  Some of the debris of Flight Deck flew over and landed on the Time Warp which caused one of the trains to de-rail and crashed into Phsyclone.  This caused the Phsyclone pendulum to fly off and crash into Sledge Hammer.  This caused the seats from 3 to 4 to fly off and crash into the Expo ecology barn.  This caused a great big explosion and the entire barn burned to the ground, but no one notices.  The smoke from the flames traveled over to Backlot Stunt Coaster  Heather the ride operator couldn't see anything through the thick smoke so instead of her pressing the button to shut down the ride she pushed the button to make it go faster.  The ride wasn't built to handle the high speed so it de railed and crashed into The Mighty Canadian Minebuster.  The Minebuster then exploded shooting wood all over Splash Works.  Pieces of wood would fly and spear people that were just laying around in the Lazy River.  The lifeguards at the Lazy River were too lazy to save the victims.   One of the stabbed victims managed to survive and ran out of Splash works jumped over a fence and was hit by the train of Sky Ryder. This caused the Sky Ryder train to fly off and land into The White Water Canyon.  The boat crashed into the electric track.  The electric track then set out currents of electricity into the 3D movie house and Timber Wolf Falls.  The electric current was so powerful that it caused Sponge Bob Square Pants to come to life and eat all the children in Kidzville.  The electric current woke up the Wolf of Timber Wolf Falls.  The wolf then went on a mad raping  spree, raping people left right and center.   True story I swear. Susan the ride operator of the Vortex saw what was going on down at Timber Wolf Falls and she panic causing her to accidentally  turn the speed knob to full speed. The ride went so fast it actually went into a time vortex.  I couldnt make this up even if I tried!  Steve the ride operator at Thunder Run, who just happened to witness the disappearance of the Vortex was being distracted.  A Terrorist then went into the control room and pressed the destruction button.  The Thunder Run is now no longer a ride it was now giant lightning bolts causing everyone on that ride to die.  The lightning blots electrified the Wild Beast.  Another electric charged went though the statue beast causing it to come alive and kill everyone on that ride too.   The wild beast then went running on the track and caused itself to get a splinter.  The wild beast lost his balance and fell right through the roof of the control panel of Drop Zone.  The wild beast landed right on the red button causing the ride to drop.  DROP STRAIGHT TO HELL THAT IS.  So now the gates of hell are open and the devil himself has risen.  The devil pulls out his mighty pitch fork and zaps The Bat and Dragon Fire.  This lead to the entire Dragon Fire ride transform into a fire breathing dragon.  The Bat transformed into a giant 100 foot bat.  The bat and the dragon fought to the death, because only one giant creature will rule "Medieval Times" area.  As they were fighting the dragon lifted up the bat and threw it into Rip Tide, causing the bat to die almost instantly.  The dragon then moved on to the front gate destroying it completely with his fiery breath.  The dragon grabbed onto the cable of Extreme Skyflyer and sling shot the people on the ride, causing them to crash into Jet Scream.  This lead to a major mishap causing the jet to blast off into outer space.  The Jet ended up crashing into the Russian Space station.  The crash caused the Russian space station to fall to Earth right on top of the Antique Carrousel causing an atomic blast.  The radiation caused the horses to mutate and come to life, but not as ordinary horses but as horses of the apocalypse.  This pleased the devil in Medieval Times very much.   He was so pleased he ordered a funnel cake to celebrate a job well done.  After he was done eating the funnel cake he decided to return to hell.  See now here is the kicker the devil forgot to clean up after himself which of course led to me cleaning up after his lazy ass.  This is by far the worst day I have ever had as a sweeper at Canada's wonderland.

If you are saying What the hell was that? I dont blame you Pepto-Bismol is a hell of trip.  If you did actually work at Canada's Wonderland you would have gotten all the references I made! 

I deticate this blog to the_big_bad.  He is just so awesome that's why!

Once Upon a time it was the last day of school.  Finally kindergarten is finally over for me.  When I get into grade 1 I'll be 24.  Did you know the cow jumped over the moon?  That story was amazing.  Anyways where was I?  My teacher was handing out the report cards.  I got mine I revived all A's or were they F's?  I don't know I still haven't properly learned my alphabets.  The clock struck 3:30, the bell rang, and all of our desks combusted into flames.  True story I swear.  The whole class ran around screaming.  One kid was screaming "burn all the Irish, kill them all"....  No one talks or listens to that kid.  I ran outside the class and the school mascot "Josh the Gator" was eating all of our goats.  First off I never knew alligators ate coats.  The water sprinklers finally kicked in and the alligator ran away.  Because everyone knows alligators are terrified of the water.  The fire was blocking all exit and the water sprinklers was actually sprinkling gasoline.  Fucking cut backs.  Before I burst into flames I ran to the roof top.  Who do I see on the roof?  Alice Cooper, he starts to sing "School's out for the summer."  I walk over to him and I punch him in the face.  There is a time and place for that type of shit!  It is called a concert.  You don't see me singing "I'm leaving on a jet plane' during September 11th do you? So finally I jump off the school roof and I land on my feet.  Thank god for Tubby Jason for breaking my fall.  I ran home to safety.  When I got home I totally forgot to pick up my little sister.  I hope my parents don't mind an extra crispy daughter.

Once upon a time I became a victim of a scam.  I was driving my car and I notice a charity car wash in a Home Depot parking lot.  That didn't faze me one bit because the people running this charity car wash were hot chicks wearing skimpy bikinis.  I was super distracted.  One car wash cost $20.  These scammers would wet one another rub their boobs on the window and flirt with you.  True story I swear. I thought it was worth my money.  As I drove off I found out they took all the money I had in my wallet.  This is scam happening all around North America! Stay Away from any Home Depot parking lot.  They stole money from my wallet on Wednesday March 11th and again on March 16th and again on March 30th.  You have been WARNED!!!

Once upon a time I didn't know what time it was.  I went scrabbling around the house trying to find a watch or a clock or something that tells the time.  No such luck.  So I go into the woods, maybe a hunter would know the time.  As I kept on walking deeper and deeper into the wood I see Mr. Wolf from a distance.  True story I swear.  So I yell out to Mr. Wolf "What time is it Mr. Wolf?"  He said "10:00."  I couldn't hear him so I walked 10 steps towards him and I asked him again. "What time is it Mr. Wolf?" He now said "6:00."  I could quite make out what he said so I took 6 steps towards him and I asked him for a third time. "What time is it Mr. Wolf?" he turns towards me open his huge mouth yells "DINNER TIME!!!"  I reply "Oh boy dinner time!" and I ran all the way home for dinner.  After all today is pizza Saturday

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Once upon a time I gave blood for the very first time. I have no aids...PHEW!  True story I swear. My blood according to the nurse will help save 3 people's lives. That means three people in this world will have a little bit of Perkins inside of them. Scary isn't it?  Wouldn't it be weird if the person getting my blood also gets a part of my personality trait? If I saw someone acting like me I kill him.  If the next that comes up to me says, "Once Upon a time" he or she is dead.  Unless that person is holding a story book. What's next for Perkins? His own offspring? Ha! I can't wait for that one.

Once upon a time my teacher gave me a project and she paired me up with the class retard.  Isn't  it funny how retards smell like peanut butter?  You could be like on the bus and you would be smelling peanut butter so you think that someone on the bus is having a sandwich but it turns out the person beside you has autism.  It is soooo deceiving.  Anyways I had to go to his house when I finally arrived I find out the son of a bitch is rich too.  His house was huge.  He had a pool with a waterslide.  His house was three stories high.  I was shocked! This was probably because I just so happen to be touching the electric fence that surrounds the house.  After that shocking experience I knock on their door and a beastly looking man named Efrem answers. I then asked "where's the little reta... I mean Cameron?"  Efrem who I assume is the father glares at me and points up the stairs.  Efrem goes and gets a talking clock and a talking candle stick to show me the way to Cameron's room.  True story I swear. Finally I get to Cameron's room and he is on the computer surfing Ebaum's World. No wonder he's retarded.  I turn off the computer and he instantly starts acting like a human being. Our project was to watch three episodes of The West Wing and write a summary on it.  This would had been an easy assignment if the candle stick didn't interrupt with a song about me being a guest in the house.  As cute as it was it got annoying when Cameron offered me tea from a talking kettle.  The kettle went on and on about this tale that is old as time.  This resulted in an argument on how can anything be as old as time.  Wasn't time around forever?  If not who invented it? Doc Brown?  Speaking of time, we wasted time arguing for 16 hours about time.  Anyways we return to work.  We continued to watch The West Wing but then Efrem comes bursting in and yells "I thought I told you to never watch The West Wing!?"  Cameron pleaded with Efrem that it was for school.  Efrem just yelled at me to get out. So I left and end up failing the assignment.  I never want to be paired up with Cameron again.  Now I have a new assignment and I am paired up with a student who barely shows up for class...Fucking Ferris.

Once upon a time I was having a guys night out.  Not like all those "guys night in" that I have on those lonely Saturday nights. Up yours Spike TV.  I was with my friend Ricky going bar hopping.  We would generally stay at one bar.  Preferable one where everybody knows our name or at least a bar that can serve some chocolate milk. Is that to much to ask?  As we were walking to our next bar we accidentally tripped and fell into a strip club.   In a Canadian strip club during the winter months the strippers come out naked and put their clothes on because it is so cold.  Since me and my friend were already inside we decided to stay.  I always thought if I were to ever step into a strip club I would be all like. "WOOOO BOOBIES, BOOBIES, BOOIES!" But no five minutes in and I was like "Oh your naked. That's nice. What else is there to do here?"  Instead me and my friend just talked and talked and talked and became stronger friends then ever before.  That's when it happened.  A stripper came out and started dancing to the theme song from Ghostbusters.  In an instant second my friend and I became the biggest perverts in the whole club.  We were hooting and hollering louder than an audience member of a FOX TV show.  True story I swear.  A stripper came up to me and asked if I would like a dance. I said sure. So I asked the DJ to play Rightious Brothers - Unchained Melody. We slow dance for the whole song It was romantic but it wasn't what the stripper had in mind.  Turns out she meant lap dance. $20 a dance!  This was when I pulled out a quarter and said.  "Tails we dance, heads YOU DIE!"  This was when the bouncer told us to leave.  So Ricky and I got up put on our jackets. Before we left I kissed my mom goodbye and told her I'll be home soon to finish my homework.