Look, I'm not a hateful person or anythingI believe we should all live and let live. But lately, I've been having a real problem with these homosexuals. You see, just about wherever I go these days, one of them approaches me and starts sucking my cock.

Take last Sunday, for instance, when I casually struck up a conversation with this guy in the health-club locker room. Nothing fruity, just a couple of fellas talking about their workout routines while enjoying a nice hot shower. The guy looked like a real man's man, toobig biceps, meaty thighs, thick neck. He didn't seem the least bit gay. At least not until he started sucking my cock, that is.

Where does this queer get the nerve to suck my cock? Did I look gay to him? Was I wearing a pink feather boa without realizing it? I don't recall the phrase, "Suck my cock" entering the conversation, and I don't have a sign around my neck that reads, "Please, You Homosexuals, Suck My Cock."

I've got nothing against homosexuals. Let them be free to do their gay thing in peace, I say. But when they start sucking my cock, then I've got a real problem.

Then there was the time I was hiking through the woods and came across a rugged-looking, blond-haired man in his early 30s. He seemed straight enough to me while we were bathing in that mountain stream, but, before you know it, he's sucking my cock!

What is it with these homos? Can't they control their sexual urges? Aren't there enough gay cocks out there for them to suck on without them having to target normal people like me?

Believe me, I have no interest in getting my cock sucked by some queer. But try telling that to the guy at the beach club. Or the one at the video store. Or the one who catered my wedding. Or any of the countless other homos who've come on to me recently. All of them sucked my cock, and there was nothing I could do to stop them.

I tell you, when a homosexual is sucking your cock, a lot of strange thoughts go through your head: How the hell did this happen? Where did this fairy ever get the idea that I was gay? And where did he get those fantastic boots?

It screws with your head at other times, too. Every time a man passes me on the street, I'm afraid he's going to grab me and drag me off to some bathroom to suck my cock. I've even started to visualize these repulsive cock-sucking episodes during the healthy, heterosexual marital relations I enjoy with my wifeeven some that haven't actually happened, like the sweaty, post-game locker-room tryst with Vancouver Canucks forward Mark Messier that I can't seem to stop thinking about.

Things could be worse, I suppose. It could be women trying to suck my cock, which would be adultery and would make me feel tremendously guilty. As it is, I'm just angry and sickened. But believe me, that's enough. I don't know what makes these homosexuals mistake me for a guy who wants his cock sucked, and, frankly, I don't want to know. I just wish there were some way to get them to stop.

I've tried all sorts of things to get them to stop, but it has all been to no avail. A few months back, I started wearing an intimidating-looking black leather thong with menacing metal studs in the hopes that it would frighten those faggots off, but it didn't work. In fact, it only seemed to encourage them. Then, I really started getting rough, slapping them around whenever they were sucking my cock, but that failed, too. Even pulling out of their mouths just before ejaculation and shooting sperm all over their face, neck, chest and hair seemed to have no effect. What do I have to do to get the message across to these swishes?

I swear, if these homosexuals don't take a hint and quit sucking my cock all the time, I'm going to have to resort to drastic measureslike maybe pinning them down to the cement floor of the loading dock with my powerful forearms and working my cock all the way up their butt so they understand loud and clear just how much I disapprove of their unwelcome advances. I mean, you can't get much more direct than that.

22 years of drug experimentation, alcohol abuse and, according to mom "a conga line of skanks falling out of your bedroom" has led my parents to not expect a vast amount from me in terms of good, or even acceptable, behaviour.

But a boring, hungover session at the computer led to a situation so horrific I can feel the blood flooding my cheeks as I write it, and led to what must have been mom's last shred of hope in me ever becoming anything good flying out the window.

Yesterday I was surfing tube8 for some handy masturbatory aids (midget hunchback men, right? Hurr durr...) and clicking between two different movies. Our internet had slowed to a crawl for whatever reason and I was becoming increasingly irritated at the apparent dislike the "little red worm of loading" had for moving to the right across my screen.

Every time I began to get into the flow of things the movie would stop and sputter like the actresses involved were having epileptic fits. The fact my audio jack is also fucking out led to an unusual syndrome where all I'd hear for 20 seconds was a muffled electric buzz before "FUCK MY NINETEEN YEAR OLD PUSSY" screamed out through the house at about 150 decibels.

As you can imagine, it was by no means ideal wanking conditions but, as with alcohol, the bad stuff is better than no stuff so I was doing what I could.

"Jesse gets hot fuck sandwich" froze again as it reached the meagre limit of its loading potential and I changed windows to see if "Sasha first time cumgoblin fuckstick extravaganza" had loaded (sometimes I think those redtube titles are created by a bot that just inserts the word "fuck" into everyday sentences. Seriously... "Bitch gets fuckbath she deserves", anyone?).

So I go to switch between windows when a flickery glob appears in the middle of my screen. I click at it angrily a few times and it disappears, so I forget about it instantly and continue what I was doing, which entailed pulling my penis and sweating, and sometimes both.

About 20 seconds of aggressive masturbation later and the sound resolved itself once more, but this time instead of the usual "I love your cock in my pussy!" exclamation it sounded like a harried and struggling voice calling my name.

"Peter. PETER!"

As if that wasn't offputting enough, the voice sounded familiar. Like, a very bad kind of familiar. Like, the kind of voice that says "Have a good day at school, dear!" or "I laid out your jammies and made you some toast, hun."

Mom?

I minimised both windows and it took me some five seconds to realise what I was seeing. At the end of ten seconds, I had learned a number of valuable lessons.

These lessons include:

1. When your mother calls you on Skype, the "Answer" button pops up on top of whatever windows are playing, but if it's a full screen video then the "Answer" button can be flashing and illegible.

2. When you enable webcam calling, the webcam engages as soon as the call is answered.

3. When your mother calls you, only to find you masturbating vigorously in a dark room to what sounds like the mutant offspring of an air conditioning unit and a transformer, she will have trouble looking you in the eye for the remainder of the call.

4. A fully erect penis can become flaccid in 0.2 seconds when shown a small image of its mother, looking pale and asking "What on EARTH are you doing?"

Having made all of these discoveries, I closed skype and sat on my computer, in some combination of horror, shame and precum. I put a shirt on and tried to return the call. Mum answered, but had disabled her webcam and could only manage "Call back when you're ready dear, I'm just going out". I haven't called back.

The look your mother gives you when she sees you masturbating on webcam is unlike any I have seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.

The moral of the story? There isn't one. I'm an idiot. 

The person I heard this from ("Al" in the story) swears that it really happened. (And no, I'm not this "Mark" - you should be able to figure out why I chose those names. :)

Two guys (we'll call them "Mark" and "Al") are out cruising. Mark is driving, and they're on some out-of-the way roads. Mark is distracted and doesn't see a stop-sign, and a few moments after he runs it they hear a siren and see blue lights. Mark has never been stopped by the police before, and gets really nervous.

MARK: OhshitwhatdidIdo? I wasn't speeding, was I? No, I wasn't speeding. What'd I do what'd I do?

He pulls over, shaking like a leaf. The cop pulls in behind and walks up to his window.

COP: You realize you ran a stop sign back there?

MARK: [panicky] No, honest! I didn't see it! I didn't mean to run it! I just didn't see it! Really!

COP: I'll need to see your driver's license.

Mark pats his pants for a few seconds before remembering that he's wearing shorts with no pockets. He looks around the car, finds his wallet, opens it up, and starts frantically throwing things out of it into the back seat. No license. He enlists Al's help, and together they search the glove compartment, under the seats, behind the cushions, front and back, to no avail. After ten or fifteen minutes of searching, Al looks up and catches the officer's eye.

AL: You don't need to see his identification.

COP: [without missing a beat] I don't need to see his identification.

AL: These aren't the droids you're looking for.

COP: These aren't the droids we're looking for.

AL: He may go on about his business.

COP: You may go on about your business.

AL: Move along.

COP: Move along.

At this point the cop turns around, walks back to his car, gets in, and drives away.

Mark pulls out and makes it about 200 yards down the road. Then he stops and just shakes for a few minutes, finally asking Al to drive. 

Years ago, CBS had a popular little series called GILLIGAN'S ISLAND. There is, however, a dark secret about this "comedy" you may never have realized.

The island is a direct representation of hell. Nobody on the island wants to be there, yet none are able to leave.

Each one of the characters represents one of the 7 deadly sins:

- Ginger represents LUST - she wears skimpy outfits, is obsessed with her looks, and is a borderline nymphomaniac.

- Mary Ann represents ENVY - she is jealous of Ginger's beauty.

- The Professor represents PRIDE - he is an annoying know-it-all.

- Mr. Howell represents GREED - no explanation needed.

- Mrs. Howell represents SLOTH - she has never lifted a finger to help on and of their escape plans.

- The Skipper represents two sins: GLUTTONY - again, no explanation needed and ANGER - he violently hits Gilligan on each show.

- This leaves Gilligan. Gilligan is the person who put them there. He prevents them from leaving by foiling all of their escape plots. Also, it is HIS island. Therefore, Gilligan is SATAN.

Crazy? He does wear red in every episode... 

Finally , the guys’ side of the story. ( I must admit, it’s pretty good.) We always hear ‘the rules ‘

From the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered ‘1 ‘

ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.

You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down.

We need it up, you need it down.

You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It’s like the full moon

or the changing of the tides.

Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.

Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work!

Strong hints do not work!

Obvious! hints do not work!

Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do.

Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are.

Don’t ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done.

Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default setting! .

Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.

We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say ‘nothing,’ We will act like nothing’s wrong.

We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, Expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… Really .

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball

or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.

REMEMBER, THIS IS A JOKE

DO THIS ONLY AT RISK OF YOUR LIFE!!!

1. When she asks how she looks shrug and say "could be better" this will keep her on her toes and girls love that.

2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness. (Or if she grabs your hand squeeze hers really really hard until she cries. This will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are.)

3. Once a month sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls are like dogs. They love to be roughed up.

4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. If she is, say you better be. Repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will show her you care.

5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement and every girl needs some improvement.

6. Recognize the small things . . . they usually mean the most. Then when she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break them, because jewelry is for wussies and Asian ladies.

7. If you're talking to another girl, make sure shes looking. When she is, stare into her eyes mouth the words "fuck you" and grab the other girls ass. Girls love competition.

8. Introduce her to your friends as "some chick". Women love those special nicknames.

9. Warm her up when shes cold...and not by giving her your jacket... Then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say "if you don't stop b*tching about the cold right now you're going to be b*tching about a black eye." The best way to get warm is with fear.

10. Take her to a party. When you get there shell have to go to the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the party's dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you at the party.

11. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet. Kick the pet. I always find stuff like that funny. Why shouldn't girls?

12. If you care about her never ever tell her. This will only give her self confidence. Then you can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be.

13. Every time you're in her house steal one of the following: shoes, earrings, or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This way shell go crazy.

14. Give her one of your t-shirts......and make sure it has your smell on it. but not a sexy cologne smell. A bad smell. You know what I'm talking about.

15. Titty twisters and plenty of them.

16. If you're listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her no. This way she'll think you're mysterious.

17. Remember her birthday but don't get her something. Teach her material objects aren't important. The only thing that's important is that she keeps you happy. And your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.

18. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas, or just when ever, take it and tell her you love it. Then next time you know she's coming over on a trash day leave the trash can open and have the present visibly sticking out of the can. Girls actually don't like this one that much but I think it's funny.

19. If she's mad at you for not calling her when you say you will promise her that you will call her at a certain time of the day. This will make sure that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call you're going to tell her a special surprise. Now shell be really excited. Now don't call.

20. Next time you are having sex, make sure you get off before she does,

then get off her and leave. Girls love that. 

Finally someone manages to come close to Chuck Norris' level of awesomeness. Here are some Michael Phelps facts:

Michael Phelps isn't like a fish, a fish is like Michael Phelps

When Michael Phelps falls in water, Michael Phelps doesn't get wet. Water gets Michael Phelps

Michael Phelps doesn't breathe, he holds air hostage

Michael Phelps wasn't born he was hatched

Michael Phelps can eat out a mermaid

When you say "no one's perfect", Michael Phelps takes this as a personal insult

Michael Phelps counted to infinity twice while doing the breast stroke

Michael Phelps can no longer shower because water is afraid of him

When Michael Phelps looks in the mirror nothing appears. There can never be a second Michael Phelps

Bigfoot takes pictures of Michael Phelps

On the Asian market, Michael Phelps' urine is worth $400 per fluid ounce

Michael Phelps can dribble a football

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Michael Phelps out. It failed miserably

Michael Phelps can make water run uphill

Michael Phelps can divide by zero

When you Google 'Michael Phelps losing' you get no results because it just doesn't happen

Phelps once punched a hole thru a shark just to see down the ocean

If by some incredible space-time paradox, Michael Phelps would ever swim against himself, he'd win. Period.

Phelps doesn't sweat, he drips chlorine

Michael Phelps recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull

If at first you don't succeed, you're not Michael Phelps

Michael Phelps was what Willis was talkin' about

Michael Phelps saved Gepetto from the whale

Michael Phelps can swim through ice

Every time Michael Phelps laughs, an undertow kills 3 orphans

When in China, Michael Phelps would order whole chickens but only eat their souls…then do the breast stroke

Rappers no longer wear bling, they wear Michael Phelps

You can find a pot of Phelps at the end of the rainbow

There's an order to the universe: space, time, Michael Phelps.... Just kidding, Michael Phelps is first every time

People no longer go swimming, they go phelpsing

Contrary to popular belief, Phelps actually parted the Red Sea with his freestyle medley

Water would rather jump to its death than be near Michael Phelps, hence waterfalls

As a child, Phelps didn't wear water wings, water wings wore Michael Phelps

As polar ice caps continue to melt, humans will begin to evolve to adjust to a world of water. Conclusion: Phelps is from the future

Phelps taught Aquaman how to swim

Hurricane Phelps is a sign of the apocalypse; it makes Katrina look like a muddy puddle

Michael Phelps' sperm backstrokes

not claiming this at all, but i do agree with it

best thing ever

1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.

3. You know stuff about tanks.

4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.

5. Monday Nite Football.

6. You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.

7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.

8. You can open all your own jars.

9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.

10. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.

11. When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.

12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.

13. All your orgasms are real.

14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.

15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.

16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.

17. You understand why Stripes is funny.

18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

19. Your last name stays put.

20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.

21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.

22. You can kill your own food.

23. The garage is all yours.

24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.

26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.

27. You never have to clean the toilet.

28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.

29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.

30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.

33. The National College Cheerleading Championship

34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.

35. You don't have to shave below your neck.

36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every nite.

37. If your 34 and single nobody notices.

38. You can write your name in the snow.

39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.

40. Everything on your face stays its original color.

41. Chocolate is just another snack.

42. You can be president.

43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.

44. Flowers fix everything.

45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.

46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.

47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.

49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.

50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.

51. Foreplay is optional.

52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.

53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.

54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.

55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.

56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.

57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.

59. You can watch a game in silence with you buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."

60. The world is your urinal.

61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.

62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.

63. Hot wax never comes near you pubic area.

64. One mood, all the time.

65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.

66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too skeevy.

67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.

68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.

69. Same work....more pay.

70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.

71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.

72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.

73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.

74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.

75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.

76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

77. The remote is yours and yours alone.

78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

79. ESPN SportsCenter.

80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.

81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.

82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.

83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.

84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.

85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed.

86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.

87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "F*#k it!"

88. If an other guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.

89. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.

90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.

92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.

93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.

94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.

96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.

97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.

98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything different?"

99. Baywatch

100. There is always a game on somewhere.

I got most of these from around the net.

And i added a few with the help of my friend jake

1. But everybody looks funny naked!

2. You woke me up for that?

3. Did I mention the video camera?

4. Do you smell something burning?

5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...

6. Try breathing through your nose.

7. A little rug burn ever hurt anyone!

8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?

9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?

10. But whipped cream makes me break out.

11. Person 1: This is your first time..right?

    Person 2: Yeah.. today

12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!

13. Can you please pass me the remote control?

14. Do you accept Visa?

15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.

17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!

18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.

19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?

20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...

21. (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the

    zoo!

22. Do you get any premium movie channels?

23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!

24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just

    steam-cleaned this couch!

25. Got any penicillin?

26. But I just brushed my teeth...

27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!

28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!

29. I want a baby!

30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!

31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?

32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...

33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?

34. I think you have it on backwards.

35. When is this supposed to feel good?

36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!

37. You're good enough to do this for a living!

38. Is that blood on the headboard?

39. Did I remember to take my pill?

40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?

41. I wish we got the Playboy channel...

42. That leak better be from the waterbed!

43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!

44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..

45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?

46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance..

47. No, really... I do this part better myself!

48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!

49. This would be more fun with a few more people..

50. You're almost as good as my ex!

51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?

52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten

    potatoes?

53. You look younger than you feel.

54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.

55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!

56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.

57. Now I know why he/she dumped you...

58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?

59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.

60. What tampon?

61. Have you ever considered liposuction?

62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!

63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?

64. I have a confession...

65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!

66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?

67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?

68. Is that a hanging sculpture?

69. You'll still vote for me, won't you?

70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?

71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!

72. Did you come yet, dear?

73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who

    you're fantasizing about...

74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!

75. Does this count as a date?

76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!

77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.

78. I think biting is romantic- don't you?

79. Q: You can cook, too, right?

    A: (Whaddaya think I'm doin'?)

80. When would you like to meet my parents?

81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really

    like... Woman: Yourself?

82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?

83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.

84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.

85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?

86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a

    light?

87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.

88. Sorry but I don't do toes!

89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!

90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!

91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...

92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".

93. So that's why they call you MR. Flash!

94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!

95. Is this a sin too?

96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!

97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?

98. Long kisses clog my sinuses...

99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...

100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?

101. You mean you're NOT my blind date?

more boredom with me and my friend nick

"Whew, that's one terrific spread!"

"I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."

"Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."

"Talk about a huge breast!"

"It's Cool Whip time!"

"If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"

"Are you ready for seconds yet?"

"Are you going to come again next time?"

"It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"

"Just wait your turn, you'll get some!"

"Don't play with your meat."

"Just spread the legs open & stuff it in."

"Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"

"I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"

"You still have a little bit on your chin."

"Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it."

"How long will it take after you stick it in?"

"You'll know it's ready when it pops up."

"Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!"

"How many are coming?"

"That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"

"Just lay back & take it easy...I'll do the rest."

"How long do I beat it before it's ready?"

Me and my friend nick were really bored today and made up a lot of random things like this.

These are the few i remember.

The ability to levitate dead birds

Power to self-destroy

Turn Quarters into 3 pennies

Ability to walk halfway through a brick wall

The ability to shapeshift, but you can only turn into an igloo and a hot dog

The ability to see one and a half seconds into the future

The ability to fly for half a second at a time

X-ray vision that sees completely through everything, so you can see basically nothing

Being able to predict coin tosses correctly 45% of the time

The ability to fly, but only indoors.

Ability to detect losing lottery numbers from past lotteries.

The ability to talk to restroom appliances (hi Mr. toothbrush!)

The power to see through walls, but only ones made out of glass

Ability to run very slowly

See like things like the kid in 6th sense but only murdered chickens and cockroaches

The ability to make fat people strip and eat chicken

The ability to make strippers get dressed

The ability to talk incredibly fast for long periods of time

Heat vision that can't be turned off

The ability to become halfway invisible

Ability to count the number of Pringles chips in a stack by just one quick look.

The ability to morph into a lava lamp

Having all your fingers opposable, not just the thumb

Super hearing that only works at rock concerts

Power to see in to the past, and only in to the past.

Here is a list of 20 words that ,i think, should exist.

# ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid) adj.  Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.

# AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj.  Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

# AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um) n.  The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting her(him)self in the eye (or ear).

# BURGACIDE (burg' uh side) n.  When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.

# BUZZACKS (buz' aks) n.  People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.

# CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n.  The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

# DIMP (dimp) n.  A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you work here?"

# DISCONFECT (dis don fekt') v.  To sterilize the piece of candy you dripped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will remove all the germs.

# ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) n.  A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror.

# EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) n.  Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.

# ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n.  The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

# ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun) n.  The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.

# FRUST (frust) n.  The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

# LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n.  Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

# NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see) n.  A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.

# PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n.  The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

# PETROPHOBIC (pet ro fob' ik) adj.  One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.

# PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n.  The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

# PUPKUS (pup' kus) n.  The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

# TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n.  The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.  

Last Friday, I was getting out of work. I was in a meeting so I was wearing a suit, which ended up being perfect.

I was waiting at a crosswalk, and this lady wasn't paying attention and walked into the street. She's about 45-50 I guess? The street was pretty empty in both directions except for a bus in the close lane that the lady didn't see. The bus was coming in pretty fast, and I don't know how she missed it, but to her credit there were some bus stops and parked cars and stuff that may have obstructed the view.

Anyways, just as the bus started honking and slamming breaks, I grabbed her and pulled her back. She would have probably made it anyway, but it made a pretty nice dramatic effect.

So this lady was really freaked out by the whole thing. She was sorta stuck in between thanking me, and catching her breath. So (and wtf did this come from I have no idea), I pulled out my PDA and said "This is Commander Navarrette, I saved the subject. The time is 4:39 pm." She had no idea what was happening and kept looking at me all dumb. So I said something to the effect of, "Ma'am I need your signature to affirm that you were here and I stopped you from getting run over by the 4:39 bus."

I didn't know what she thought about the situation, but I decided to press it a bit further. I opened my pda's drawing thing (ooo high tech) and asked her to sign it, which she did.

I thanked her then followed up with "Your grandson is very important," which immediately I realized was really dumb because she didn't look like she was old enough to have grandchildren.

"I don't have a grandson," is all she said. I freaked out for a second, thinking I just made a total ass of myself. But then I said "You will," and gave her sorta a wink/smile.

The crosswalk light was green and I walked off. She stood there A few seconds later she yelled "wait!" but I was already across the street and pretended I didn't hear and kept walking.

I have no idea what she thought of the whole thing, but even the idea of her thinking I was from the future totally made my day.

   1.  I was so poor growing up if I wasn't a boy, I'd have had nothing to play with.

   2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, nobody's home. "I went over. Nobody was home.

   3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

   4. One day I came home early from work. I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."

   5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

   6. I was such an ugly kid that when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

   7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

   8. I was such an ugly baby. My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

   9. I'm so ugly that my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

  10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."

  11. I'm so ugly that my mother had morning sickness.....AFTER I was born.

  12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

  13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

  14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

  15. I'm so ugly that I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.

  16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

  17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

  18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

  19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.

  20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control.

  21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair. 

If you consider that there has been an average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq Theater of operations during the last 22 months, and a total of 2112 deaths, that gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000.

The firearms death rate in Washington D.C. is 80.6 per 100,000.

That means that you are about 25% more likely to be shot and killed in our Nation's Capitol, which has some of the strictest gun control laws in the nation, than you are in Iraq.

Conclusion: We should immediately pull out of Washington D.C.