http://www.ebaumsworld.com/thelegendery Latest media uploaded to eBaums World by thelegendery en-us Tue, 07 Oct 2008 12:47:10 -0400 Tue, 07 Oct 2008 12:47:10 -0400 960785 Thu, 25 Sep 2008 11:02:24 -0400 Added: 2008-09-25 11:02:24
In a train carriage there was Bill Clinton, George Bush, Janet Reno and Bo Derek. After several minutes of the trip, the train passes through a dark tunnel and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, Clinton has a big red slap mark on his cheek. (1) Bo Derek thought - "That sleazeball Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on Janet Reno, who in turn must have slapped his face." (2) Janet Reno thought - "That dirty Bill Clinton laid his hands on Bo Derek and she smacked him." (3) Bill Clinton thought - "George put his hand on Bo Derek and by mistake she slapped me." (4) George Bush thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again." ]]> http://www.ebaumsworld.com/jokes/read/960785/ The Train Ride In a train carriage there was Bill Clinton, George Bush, Janet Reno and Bo Derek. After several minutes of the trip, the train passes through a dark tunnel and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, Clinton has a big red slap mark on his cheek. (1) Bo Derek thought - "That sleazeball Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on Janet Reno, who in turn must have slapped his face." (2) Janet Reno thought - "That dirty Bill Clinton laid his hands on Bo Derek and she smacked him." (3) Bill Clinton thought - "George put his hand on Bo Derek and by mistake she slapped me." (4) George Bush thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again." 930101 Wed, 10 Sep 2008 09:26:55 -0400 Added: 2008-09-10 09:26:55
A psychology student at a local university was sent on a field assignment to evaluate three patients in a local mental hospital. The first patient was locked in his room throwing tennis balls everywhere. The student asked why, and the patient answered "When I get out of here I going to be a tennis pro." The second patient was locked in his room throwing baseballs everywhere. When asked why he said "When I get out of here I’m going to be a professional baseball player." The student thought he was starting to get the hang of things, until he looked in on the third patient. There locked in the middle of the room was a naked man, masturbating with a peanut on the end of his penis. The student asked, "I understand about the others, but what are you going to be when you get out of here?" "They're never going to let me out of here," the patient said "I'm fucking nuts!" ]]> http://www.ebaumsworld.com/jokes/read/930101/ Fucking Nuts A psychology student at a local university was sent on a field assignment to evaluate three patients in a local mental hospital. The first patient was locked in his room throwing tennis balls everywhere. The student asked why, and the patient answered "When I get out of here I going to be a tennis pro." The second patient was locked in his room throwing baseballs everywhere. When asked why he said "When I get out of here I’m going to be a professional baseball player." The student thought he was starting to get the hang of things, until he looked in on the third patient. There locked in the middle of the room was a naked man, masturbating with a peanut on the end of his penis. The student asked, "I understand about the others, but what are you going to be when you get out of here?" "They're never going to let me out of here," the patient said "I'm fucking nuts!" 927672 Tue, 09 Sep 2008 09:52:30 -0400 Added: 2008-09-09 09:52:30
A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?" The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds." The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how did you start the flood?" ]]> http://www.ebaumsworld.com/jokes/read/927672/ Honest Lawyer A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?" The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds." The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how did you start the flood?" 927668 Tue, 09 Sep 2008 09:49:26 -0400 Added: 2008-09-09 09:49:26
Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned. ]]> http://www.ebaumsworld.com/jokes/read/927668/ Beer Test Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned. 913587 Wed, 03 Sep 2008 11:23:33 -0400 Added: 2008-09-03 11:23:33
A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee. On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone: "Get me a coffee, quickly!" The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?" "No," replied the trainee. "It's the CEO of the company, you fool!" The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!" "No." replied the CEO indignantly. "Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone. ]]> http://www.ebaumsworld.com/jokes/read/913587/ Wrong Number A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee. On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone: "Get me a coffee, quickly!" The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?" "No," replied the trainee. "It's the CEO of the company, you fool!" The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!" "No." replied the CEO indignantly. "Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone. 913585 Wed, 03 Sep 2008 11:21:22 -0400 Added: 2008-09-03 11:21:22
Two friends were camping out one night, when all of the sudden one of them jumps up screaming, "A SNAKE JUST BIT ME ON THE TIP OF MY PENIS!". The other friend said, "don't worry, I am going to town to find a doctor, I will be right back!". So he goes to town, and finally finds a doctor. "Doctor!! My friend just got bit by a snake!!!" the friend says. "It's ok", the doctor says, "all you have to do is suck the poison out.". The friend says thank you, and runs back to the camp site. The injured friends asks, "WHAT DID THE DOCTOR SAY? WHAT DID HE SAY?" The other friend replies, "doctor said you gonna die!" ]]> http://www.ebaumsworld.com/jokes/read/913585/ Poisonous Snake Two friends were camping out one night, when all of the sudden one of them jumps up screaming, "A SNAKE JUST BIT ME ON THE TIP OF MY PENIS!". The other friend said, "don't worry, I am going to town to find a doctor, I will be right back!". So he goes to town, and finally finds a doctor. "Doctor!! My friend just got bit by a snake!!!" the friend says. "It's ok", the doctor says, "all you have to do is suck the poison out.". The friend says thank you, and runs back to the camp site. The injured friends asks, "WHAT DID THE DOCTOR SAY? WHAT DID HE SAY?" The other friend replies, "doctor said you gonna die!" 871453 Sun, 17 Aug 2008 17:31:15 -0400 Added: 2008-08-17 17:31:15
A little boy and his dad were walking down the street whan they saw two dogs having sex. The little boy asks his father: "Daddy, what are they doing?" The father says: "They are Making a puppy". So they walk on and go home. A few days later, the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. The little boy says: "Daddy, what are you doing?" The father replies: "Making a baby". The little boy says: "Well, flip her around! I'd rather have a puppy instead!" ]]> http://www.ebaumsworld.com/jokes/read/871453/ Having a Puppy A little boy and his dad were walking down the street whan they saw two dogs having sex. The little boy asks his father: "Daddy, what are they doing?" The father says: "They are Making a puppy". So they walk on and go home. A few days later, the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. The little boy says: "Daddy, what are you doing?" The father replies: "Making a baby". The little boy says: "Well, flip her around! I'd rather have a puppy instead!" 871450 Sun, 17 Aug 2008 17:29:10 -0400 Added: 2008-08-17 17:29:10
A soldier ran up to a nun, out of breath, he asked, "Please may I hide under your skirt? I'll explain later". The nun agreed. A moment later two military police ran up and asked, "Sister have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied, “He went that way. " After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under the skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq. " The nun said she understood completely. The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs." The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls.... I don't want to go to Iraq either" ]]> http://www.ebaumsworld.com/jokes/read/871450/ Going to Iraq A soldier ran up to a nun, out of breath, he asked, "Please may I hide under your skirt? I'll explain later". The nun agreed. A moment later two military police ran up and asked, "Sister have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied, “He went that way. " After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under the skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq. " The nun said she understood completely. The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs." The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls.... I don't want to go to Iraq either" 870998 Sun, 17 Aug 2008 12:12:16 -0400 Added: 2008-08-17 12:12:16
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago. Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, in California an archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: 'California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.' One week later, a Texas newspaper, reported the following: After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Bastrop, Bubba Mitchell, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Texas had already gone wireless. ]]> http://www.ebaumsworld.com/jokes/read/870998/ Archaeologists After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago. Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, in California an archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: 'California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.' One week later, a Texas newspaper, reported the following: After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Bastrop, Bubba Mitchell, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Texas had already gone wireless. 837034 Wed, 06 Aug 2008 16:48:02 -0400 Added: 2008-08-06 16:48:02
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. Lady 1: What's that? Lady 2: A condom. Lady 1: Where'd you get it? Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore. The next day, the first lady hobbled into the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a package of condoms. The guy looked at her kind of strangely (she was, after all, in her 80s), but politely asked what brand she preferred. "Doesn't matter," she replied, "as long as it fits a Camel." ]]> http://www.ebaumsworld.com/jokes/read/837034/ Wet Smokers Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. Lady 1: What's that? Lady 2: A condom. Lady 1: Where'd you get it? Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore. The next day, the first lady hobbled into the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a package of condoms. The guy looked at her kind of strangely (she was, after all, in her 80s), but politely asked what brand she preferred. "Doesn't matter," she replied, "as long as it fits a Camel." 837031 Wed, 06 Aug 2008 16:46:01 -0400 Added: 2008-08-06 16:46:01
Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him. They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy." Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own." ]]> http://www.ebaumsworld.com/jokes/read/837031/ Third Child Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him. They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy." Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own." 836977 Wed, 06 Aug 2008 16:37:56 -0400 Added: 2008-08-06 16:37:56
A young woman goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another young woman comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another young woman comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask? ]]> http://www.ebaumsworld.com/jokes/read/836977/ College Students A young woman goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another young woman comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another young woman comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask? 831124 Mon, 04 Aug 2008 18:00:19 -0400 Added: 2008-08-04 18:00:19
4 older ladies are sitting around playing bridge. The first lady says, "You know girls, I have known you all a long time and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a kleptomaniac. But, don't worry, I have never stolen from you and I never will; we have been friends for too long." The second lady says, "Well, since we are having true confessions here, I must get something off my chest too. I am a nymphomaniac. But don't worry, I have not hit on your husbands. They don't interest me and never will; we have been friends for too long." "Well," says the third lady, "I, too, must confess something. I am a lesbian. But do not worry, I will not hit on you. You are not my type. We have been friends too long for me to ruin our friendship." The fourth lady stands up, says, "I have a confession to make also. I am an uncontrollable gossip, and I have some phone calls to make!" ]]> http://www.ebaumsworld.com/jokes/read/831124/ True Confessions 4 older ladies are sitting around playing bridge. The first lady says, "You know girls, I have known you all a long time and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a kleptomaniac. But, don't worry, I have never stolen from you and I never will; we have been friends for too long." The second lady says, "Well, since we are having true confessions here, I must get something off my chest too. I am a nymphomaniac. But don't worry, I have not hit on your husbands. They don't interest me and never will; we have been friends for too long." "Well," says the third lady, "I, too, must confess something. I am a lesbian. But do not worry, I will not hit on you. You are not my type. We have been friends too long for me to ruin our friendship." The fourth lady stands up, says, "I have a confession to make also. I am an uncontrollable gossip, and I have some phone calls to make!" 831116 Mon, 04 Aug 2008 17:55:59 -0400 Added: 2008-08-04 17:55:59
A mother, father and young son are visiting the circus. The elephants walk out into the circus ring and the little boy says to his mother, "What's that?" "That's the elephant's tail," she replies. "No, under the tail," says the youngster. The mother is clearly embarrassed and says, "Oh, nothing." The boy turns to his father and repeats the same question. His father looks and says, "That's the elephant's penis, son." "So, why did mum say it was nothing?" asks the boy. The father draws himself up to his full height and says, "Son, I've spoiled that woman." ]]> http://www.ebaumsworld.com/jokes/read/831116/ Spoiled Mother A mother, father and young son are visiting the circus. The elephants walk out into the circus ring and the little boy says to his mother, "What's that?" "That's the elephant's tail," she replies. "No, under the tail," says the youngster. The mother is clearly embarrassed and says, "Oh, nothing." The boy turns to his father and repeats the same question. His father looks and says, "That's the elephant's penis, son." "So, why did mum say it was nothing?" asks the boy. The father draws himself up to his full height and says, "Son, I've spoiled that woman." 825668 Sun, 03 Aug 2008 12:17:35 -0400 Added: 2008-08-03 12:17:35
A middle aged man walks into the bank and says to the young teller, "I want to open a fucking checking account". "Please sir", she replies, "we can't have language like that in here." "Why the Fuck not?" he asked. "Sir," Came her retort, "I must ask you to refrain from swearing." "I don't give a shit what you want," he answers, "I just want to open a fucking checking account." With this the teller leaves and returns in a moment with her branch manager. The manager asks if he might be able to help the gentleman. "Shit yes", came the reply, "I just won 14 million dollars in the lottery and want to open a fucking checking account." The branch manager says, "I see, and this stupid, fucking, bitch is giving you a hard time?" ]]> http://www.ebaumsworld.com/jokes/read/825668/ Bank Teller A middle aged man walks into the bank and says to the young teller, "I want to open a fucking checking account". "Please sir", she replies, "we can't have language like that in here." "Why the Fuck not?" he asked. "Sir," Came her retort, "I must ask you to refrain from swearing." "I don't give a shit what you want," he answers, "I just want to open a fucking checking account." With this the teller leaves and returns in a moment with her branch manager. The manager asks if he might be able to help the gentleman. "Shit yes", came the reply, "I just won 14 million dollars in the lottery and want to open a fucking checking account." The branch manager says, "I see, and this stupid, fucking, bitch is giving you a hard time?"