If you know me you know that I haven't blogged here in a long time. You also know that I change my profile picture about as often as I change my pants. NEVER or for special occasions. I mean...pants don't get dirty if you wear underwear and don't shart. Amirite?

I have few passions in this life. My son, writing, tequila, midget porn, 2-for-1 meal coupons where you DON'T have to buy two beverages, chicks who will sext me boob pix on facebook, taking a wipeless poop, slow BBQ brisket...(OK, I have many passions) ...and ZOMBIES!!

Back in the late 70's I caught the middle of an old B&W horror flick. It was in the middle of the day. Who plays horror movies at 2pm? It was about these people holed up in an old farmhouse fighting amongst themselves while defending themselves against zombies.

Of course I'm talking about George Romero's original 'Night of the Living Dead.' It blew me away. Many decades later I remember EXACTLY the tension and suspense I felt as I "HOLY-SHITted" my way through the corny low-budget masterpiece. What a fucking good movie!!!

I have been an avid fan of the genre ever since, be it the slow ambling stage-made-up goons in Romero's first try to the sprinting infected in '28 Days/Weeks Later.' (Yes internet faggots; I KNOW the infected in '28 Days' were not actual zombies but FUCK YOU for splitting hairs.)

I am an OZGFFF (Original Zombie Flick Fan Fag) So...you might have guessed that I cum every Sunday night I grab my dick and rub out a handy to The Walking Dead.

You either know or you don't. Fucking-A. Dale was one of my favorite characters on the show. The wise old foolish sage. RIP, brother. I will miss you. Tonight, in honor of you, I change my profile picture and get on this old website and write the rare blog.

I have said all that needs to be said. I mourn for a fictional character on a zombie soap opera. I am pathetic, I admit so I will log off and go to facebook. If any female FB users wish to send me a picture of their boobs my FB name is Eggo Joe. PLEASE help me to overcome my sadness. (HD only and no saggers)

Normally I don't do faggy stuff with my girlfriend. I don't

watch chick flicks, I won't go to the mall with her to

"..just look around," and I have never taken her, or ANY chick to see

The Nutcracker. (title of THAT shit says it all)

Anyway, Girlfriend has a second job selling tickets at a local venue and

scored two free tickets to Duran Duran. She was going to

take our gay friend, Kevin, but he blew her off the day of

the concert. (gay...blew her off...see what I did there?)

Because it was last minute, she was also turned down by 2

friends, her sister, and her parents. Sheeesh...can't imagine

why no one would want to go see such legends.

I started feeling sorry for her as concert time rolled around

because (and I know this is really gay) I love that girl. I

finally capitulated and told her I would go if I could first

stop at the liquor store and get a "couple miniatures" of

tequila. In alcoholic ugdork-speak, "couple miniatures" is

code for a $10 bottle. In the liquor store I feel a slimy

tinglikg in my groin. I'm sure it must be the vagina I've

grown.

People-watching before the show: Drag queen, 40-something

women with 1980's feathered, sprayed hair, squatty

dikes...but also a lot of young people. Guys and gals in

their early 20's. Also a lot of hot chicks to look at. My

vagina starts to tingle again. Am I a lezbo?

The band starts and I'm wondering which one is Duran and

which one is Duran and who the other guys are. Their first

song was probably one of their new ones. (yes...they have NEW

songs. I'm going to buy their record...what? oh...download

their MP3) Not bad actually. Very Pink Floyd-esque with deep

sustained bass minor chords. They play a bunch of songs. Some

I know, most I dont. "Hungry Like a Wolf"...who can EVER get

enough of THAT song. Some aren't terrible.

The light show is good, the music only sucks slightly but

that might be the tequila, beer, and my pussy talking. I buy a

double shot of yucky house tequila in the arena bar because my BAC needs a

boost and they tell me it's...$15. FUCK. I paid $10 for the

bottle in the car! I'd have said something but my balls have been replaced.

Well, I pussied out. I went to a show for no other reason

than the fact that I love my girlfriend and it seemed like a sweet

thing to do. Next time I'm going to man up and tell her to go

to her gay shit with a friend or alone. If she gets mad I

donn't care! Withhold sex from me, bitch, I got my OWN

vagina now!!

A female relative of mine posted one of those stupid copypasta quotes as her profile on facebook tonight. You know the ones I'm talking about. The ones that have a message about friendship or motherhood or breast cancer.

BTW, is EVERY month now fucking breast cancer awareness month? Does it not seem like there's a year-round pink-a-thon? Anyway...

Here's what she posted as her stupid fucking status:

I AM A HANDFUL! Unfortunately most women WON'T repost this. I'm strong willed, independent, a bit outspoken, and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I am sometimes out of control & and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst then you sure as Hell .........don't deserve me at my best. If you ............are a HANDFUL, repost

Why is it that chicks think it's cool to be a mouthy bitch? Like being an opinionated, high- maintenance cunt is somehow a quality to brag about?

Guys don't boast, "I"m a loud-mouthed, mule-headed jackass who's hard to live with. I'll be rude and verbally abusive. Put up with me or else..."

If we did, you little ladies out there would be shocked by what dickholes we were.

Guys might have many of those qualities but we have learned how to put it aside and fucking man up. How many of you men out there have a co-worker you can't stand yet with whom you are able to work in a professional manner 'cuz it gets shit done?

Women can't do that. How many times have we had a female co-worker who spends more time in H.R. complaining about petty, catty bullshit than actually doing her job?

I'm so sick of bitchy snatches thinking that somehow yapping their stupid fucking emotional, irrational, 'hear-me-roar' whining is somehow EMPOWERING to them.

It's NOT, ladies. It really isn't. It just shows why men need to be in charge of running things. 

I might add that said female relative is in the process of moving out of town with her two bastard kids to escape a failed relationship. She's in her early 20's.

Maybe if you 'strong willed, independent' frilly panties out there would spend more time sucking dick and cooking we'd be more apt to support you and put up with your patience-draining asses. Then you wouldn't have to post your relationship drama on social networking sites. 

I hope all me friends will copy and paste this as their status. Not really. That shit is stupid. Peace. 

I've pretty much stopped blogging on here and almost never post vids or galleries. I hardly watch EBW media either. I go through phases. I have been mostly spending time inside my head, thinking up stupid shit like:

-Japan is way far ahead of us in cell phone technology. I guess the next step is a phone that you talk into which then turns into a robot dragonfly that flies to your friends and delivers the message.

-How come every time I call a business the automated voice tells me to please listen carefully as their menu has changed? Shut up you self-important recordings. You think I actually had the OLD menu memorized? Lick me, bitch. 

-I got kicked off the debate team for overuse of the phrase, "Fraid SO!!!"

-If I owned a business I would hire a black "IT" guy. He couldn't fix the computers if they broke but he could steal us some new ones...

-Why do Asians eat such weird shit?

-A chick told me my dick was like a banana. I asked if she meant long and thik and she said, "No, curved, covered in black spots, and with a skin that peels off easily.

-They actually sell a snorkle for men to use to go down on stinky pussy. How unromantic! Might as well just strap a barf bag to her leg and have at it.

That's a sampling of the random shit I think of on a daily basis. G'night.

Fucking six-fucking-thirty-AM and I can't sleep. WTF? I normally drink myself into a blissful, have-to-pee-but-too-lazy-to-get-up-and-do-it sleep every night but tonight the booze isn't working and the sun's coming up and I can't fucking sleep.

I have all this stupid shit going through my head (aside from the usual, "Who-would-I-kill-if-given-a-free-pass? shit that normally swims in the fetid piss-pond that is my brain) like:

*There was an ad on TV saying you can join a class action lawsuit if, "...you or someone you know has suffered a heart attack or sudden death," after taking a diabetes medication. REALLY? If I suffered sudden death I can sue the drug company?

*Among the tools on a survival knife I bought are a phillips head screwdriver and bottle opener. I guess if I'm ever stranded in the wilderness with the knife I can open any wild bottles of soda or open any wildlife battery compartments I find. Useful shit!

*Why are the original theatrical trailers for movies considered "BONUS FEATURES" on DVD's I rent? Why the fuck do I want to watch a trailer for a movie I just watched? That's like sitting through an hour-long sales pitch for a time share AFTER I just bought the time share.

*I'm thankful for facebook because without it I would never know that my aunt was thinking of having chicken for dinner or that my co-worker was "...hella bored."

* I think I'm allergic to olives 'cuz every time I stay up late drinking martinis I wake up with an upset stomache.

*Wizard of Oz spoiler alert: It was a dream!!!

Fuck. That's the kind of stupid shit that goes through my brain. I am ugdork and I'm an alcoholic. I want to sleep but I can't

They say the most hurtful word in the english language is 'NIGGER' but I think it's 'UNICORN.' UNICORN written on a rusty nail and inserted into the head of your penis. THAT'S the most hurtful word. G'night now. (or good morning?)

eBones, eReps....Call me an eTard but I am a bit pissed.

I don't have a problem with the switchover to eBones from eReps. New management to ANY business has a right to change whatever it likes about the "Old System."

That being said, where's my Xbox? When I cashed in my eReps, the eStore was still represented as being legit. (Fuck... I sound like a sparkling wiggle.)

I'm pissed because when my awsomely great, Supermanian-level, jizz-spasm-inducing material started to be featured here, the lie of the eStore was still being represented as truth.

I won't lie. eReps weren't the sole reason I spent hours compiling original galleries, making Demotivators, editing videos, etc. I liked seeing my shit on the front page so the New-Feature Fags could gather via the "Refrash Dildozer Chat Engine," and keep my shit relevant.

If my uploads had simply been rehashed, stolen Youtube or Break vids, I wouldn't care so much but I had two features of original cartoons. Original fucking shit on ebaum's WORLD!!! I know.. it's like how I felt when I first discovered that the Moon Landing and the Holocaust were fake.

I spent HOURS on my cartoons, which are New Yorker Magazine quality. Well... not really but if The New Yorker had an Oxycontin-Addicted older brother magazine that lived at home and had been applying for disability for years, my 'toons could have been published there.

Bottom line, I claimed a prize with my eReps MONTHS ago. eBaum's WORLD didn't notify users that eReps were more worthless than coins in Farmville. (At least Farmville coins can be redeemed for a pink cow!) eBaums made ??? money on ads for the hits my features received. (each cartoon gallery received over 100,000 hits plus the newest was favorited over 40 times. How often does a feature get THAT?) I was made an offer via the eStore, I accepted that offer, and the contract was broken.

How am I wrong?

There are certain stereotypes that everyone knows are tue. It's not up for debate. I'm usually pretty astute about noticing common behavioral traits about groups of people and predicting what will happen in a given situation.

If you stop your car to let a young black man cross, he will contemptously take his time.

An Asian business owner will either be the friendliest pal with great customer service or the most serious, suspicious motherfucker with whom you will deal that day.

If you slow a bit to let someone merge in front of you and they hesitate, it's a chick.

You get the idea, so I used to play this game on the road. I call it a game, my GF calls it road age. I would observe someone driving stupidly and guess the age, gender and race. I had this uncanny knack for calling it.

In the last coule of years, though, my percentage is slipping. More and more I see white guys, 30-50, driving BELOW the speed limit. WTF? I can't begin to tall you how many f-bombs I drop while driving at what turns out t be WHITE, NON-SENIOR CITIZEN MALES!

What's the deal, my peers? Why are bro-folks driving like slow-pokes? Why are you throwing off my numbers? I try to not believe you are a bunch of faggots by telling myself things like maybe you are really drunk or perhaps are a serial killer with a dead hooker in the trunk and don't want to get pulled over, but it's sure a puzzle.

Anyone else notice this or is it just a Seattle thing? Next time I need a ride somewhere I think I'll ask a Cambodian Gramma; I might get there quicker.

Holy Christ. It's almost 6am here in the Pacific Northwest and I need to go to bed but I'm not tired. I had to take my GF to the airport at like 2:45am... Yuckadoodle. I pounded beer at 8 last night and got 3 hours of shut-eye but wasn't tired when I rolled back in at 4:30. Didn't have more beer and beer is my Ambien.

I swigged some Amaretto and hopefully the alcohol content is slightly higher than the nasty sugar content. Why do chicks like sweet booze. Yuckadoodle!

GF's going to North Dakota for a wedding. I opted out. I've BEEN to North Dakota. Yuckadoodle! I prefer it here in the Seattle area. We have pine trees and fresh water. North Dakota water tastes like monkey semen filtered through cow shit. Yuckadoodle!

Had a few random thoughts:

-Ever since social networks hit the scene, the word, "Friend," can now be used as a verb. I will 'friend' you.

-What if there was a transvestite nudist? Would he get off on NOT wearing any womens' clothing?

-A relative wrote on FaceBook that she found a baby-sitter and isn't it nice to find someone who enjoys spending time with your kid? um...yeah...unless it's a 36 year-old guy who works at GameCrazy.

Well, buttholes, I need to try to get some shut-eye or all day long I'll feel like...well...like YUCKADOODLE!

miles, I blogged months and months ago about moving my dad into a home. He turns 89 this month. He is so fucking frail. This weekend we reminisced about how we used to go camping every weekend of summer when I was a boy. I remember him swinging an ax, dragging logs, drinking beer, having fun.

Now he hasn't the strength in his fingers to open a bag of chips, he slobbers when he eats, he can barely dress himself.

A couple weeks back he asked if I would give him a shave and I was literally afraid his tissue-paper skin would tear. I was filled with shame and self-loathing that I was repulsed by the feel and texture of his wrinkled face.

My dad lived through the depression and WWII and he now sits in his assisted-living depressing apartment, eating in a dining room filled with broken, weak, tired, and depressed peers.

I made a comment to him about a memorial they had displayed in the lobby of his home for a resident who died last week.

My dad said, "He used to sit at my table for meals; we had words."

Turns out the guy would whisper shit about my dad to someone else at the table. My dad told me that after a couple days of this, he said to the guy, "Roger, I don't know what I ever did to you but you'd better knock it off right now."

My dad followed up his story with, "But I don't think that's why he died."

Read milestyles' blog about his dad and reflect on your family and the people you love. Time goes by so fucking fast and we never know. So fucking fast...

I get group invitations all the time and never accept them because most groups here suck balls then complain about pubes in the mouth. They start out strong with people posting shit then after a couple weeks no one posts and no one cares and it just used up server space.

On a whim I joined a group that had some cool people in it, regular feature uploaders, funny commenters, and thought I'd try to make it a group that ingested daily internet fiber and shit out posts so monumental that other groups snuck into our house at night just to steal a spent roll of our toilet paper.

I am a member of the defunct group, "Dan and Dirty's Dysfunctional Misfits." In that group we had a lot of warped, fucked up, sick-and-twisted motherfuckers and the picture section ruled. In fact, if you're not a member, join it and check out our shit. Nothing has been added in a year but we had a no-holds-barred policy on what we posted. Anything shy of CP was encouraged and we strove to top eachother.

I tried to do the same in the recent group I joined. I was about the only one posting stuff. After about a week I was banned. Reason given: Posting offensine or objectionable material. The notification said we are not allowed to post sex, gore, drugs, racist content. Hell, I have pix on my hard drive that have all FOUR in one shot.

So really? On EBW there is to be no sex (Farout Asian Pictorial, Friday Unearthly Cleagave Knockout) drugs (salvia videos) gore (kid breaks ankle and bone sticks out) or racism (any comment thread)

Sorry, but about the only pix that don't fall under those catagories are the lame, gay, ass-fucking LOL kitty faggotisms or the forwarded email pix I get from my elderly aunt. If I want to see lame, tame, gay everyday shit I will look at photos on Yahoo! news.

Am I jaded? Am I really just so much fucking sicker that normal humans? Show me the worst of the worst internet photos. PLEASE!! I won't be offended. I CAN'T be offended because I would rather live in a world where all forms of expression were encouraged than one where a person gets reprimanded for posting a boob... or a severed boob. That's just me.

So Lindsay Lohan was sentenced to 90 days in jail. 'Bout FUCKING TIME!!

What do you think would happen to me, being an average person AND a male if I were to repeatedly thumb my nose at court orders? My guess is that I'd be playing dominos and surrounded by walls and barbed wire with my black boyfriend named LaThomas and silently farting out my mangina.

The carpet-munching bitch cried in court, saying that if she knew how serious her probation violation was..if someone had just taken her aside and explained that she was doing something wrong, that she never would have went to Morocco or Majorca or wherever-the-fuck and partied in front of paparazzi.

Really? REALLY!! That stupid cunt expects us to believe that she takes her probation seriously?

Hey Lindsay, you coke-tooting, ankle-bracelet-wearing, lez-licking piece of addict waster-of-other-humans' oxygen shit...

When a JUDGE gives you an ORDER in a COURT of fucking LAW... He means it.

Did that clarify things?

Oh yeah, and BTW...on a totally unrelated note; how come there are so few dogs named Kevin? Just asking.

So Tiger woods agreed to give Elin $750 mil. *ugdork whistles a man-oh-mannn whistel*

Some people speculate that the unheard of amount was hush money; that Elin knows some dirty details about the golfer, but I'm thinking we already know he liked to bang the skank-holes. What could be worse? DId Tiger fancy the gents as well? Did he have slumber parties with Webster?

Others say he paid to keep Elin from moving out of country with the kids. We know how he values his kids. He would never do ANYTHING to risk losing them...oh...wait...

Whatever the reason, that's a lot of money. I could live quite well for the rest of my life on only two THIRDS of that! Shit, I could give Greece a stimulus package that would save their asses. Crap, I did not just use package, stimulus, ass, and Greek in the same sentence did I?

I was musing that with that kind of money one could use hundred dollar bills for toilet paper and still live comfortably. I don't know how comfortable their BUTTS would be but I was pretty sure you could wipe every poopie for life and still have plenty of Franklins left to keep up the lifestyle.

So I did the math. That's $250 million each to wife and kids. Figure two number twos per day. (Sometimes more, like on Taco Tuesday's, sometimes less like after the cheese tasting in Tilamook) Based on the consistency of ugdork poop, I know that one could not get a clean wipe from a SINGLE C-note so I allotted them $300 each per deuce. With 365 days per year that means their money will last for 1,141 years. I didn't factor in leap years or living expenses. I figure the interest will cover that.

I decided to allot my own money and use it as butt wipe but how do you remove a cling-on with a penny? Any ass experts out there? Oh yeah... the GREEKS!!!

According to an article about to be printed in The National Enquirer (the paper that uncovered the John Edwards story), former Vice President Al Gore may be charged with sexual assault stemming from a 2006 episode in which he allegedely nearly raped a licensed massage therapist in a Portland, OR hotel room.

I tried to post a link to the police report but it didn't work. You can read about it on TSG (The Smoking Gun website.)

The woman, in her 50's, gave a statement that Mr. Gore, who had regestered under the name, Al Stone, had the hotel send her to his room. From the moment she entered his room, she states, he bagan acting like a big ManBearPig.....I'm CEREAL, you guys!!

Supposedly she was there to give him a legit massage but Mr. Gore was more interested in some secret service, asking her to rub his ass, lower abdomen, and inner thighs. I guess he needed someone to help him with his kinks.

The multi-page report says that she resisted and he became increasingly persistent, forcing her hand on his vee-pee. She states that she was very creeped out and repulsed by his physique. A real White House Rotunda, by her description.

Mr. Environment eventually forced her to the bed, injuring her leg in the process, and was more interested in bodily emissions than green house emissions. She claims to have saved a pair of pants on which he left his carbon footprint.

If the allegations are true, we now know why he is referred to as the VICE president. There are some sketchy details, however, such as the fact that she skipped out on three interviews with Portland police. They didn't have enough evidence to charge him and her lawyer supposedly tried to get a million dollars from The Enquirer. Is she a Gore-Whore?

Who knows. Maybe he and his wife are divorcing because Mr. 'Stone' has a thing for prostitutes. Al, for Christ's sake, even if you don't pay her, remember; TIP'ER!!!

Once again a group is suing McDonald's for marketing Happy Meals to children. I don't know what group it is; I heard a blurb on the radio. I suppose I could look it up but this in the internet so we do not need to list our sources.

The basis of the lawsuit is that Happy Meals, by offering Shrek wind-up toys and Dora the Explorer Little Hotel Maid Housekeeper figures and Karate Kid Blackface Remake-up Kits, encourages little peeps to eat unhealthy foods.

Ummm... the last I checked, 4 year-olds didn't decide what was for lunch/dinner, nor did they have the money to BUY said meal, nor did they have the skills required to hit the drive-thru.

The group filing the lawsuit (the sewers) explained that if a child sees a cartoon character pushing a product, they will pressure their parents to consume it. I'm no Hercules but when my son was 5 I could beat him at any what's-for-dinner debate... or at a game of chess...or 3-of-5 arm wrestling matches.

How 'bout we, as parents, just tell our kids that McDonald's is an "Occasional Food" like when dad's too hung over to cook. (I'm speaking from personal experience)

I HATE Happy Meals. Not because it feeds poison to our kids, which it does, but because of the toyboxes filled with Little Mermaid Flashlights, Spongebob Vibrators, and all the mercury-filled, Chinese-made, sharp-edged little fucking plastic toys I step on in the middle of the night. Maybe I should file a lawsuit...

MrStayPuft brought up the double standard with his 'genders-in-media.' blog.

 I remember an old, choppy vid game from late 80's to early 90's. It was called, "Custer's Revenge," if my memory serves me, it showed white cavaltymen forcing all 8 bits into Indian Squaws.

Womens' groups were LIVID.

A few years later a shitty song called, "I Killed Earle," or some shit, was recorded telling the story of a woman who killed her husband. It was a hit and is sung every kareoke night at your local honky Tonk.

Eminem was crucified for singing sbout killling his wife.

A woman cuts off her cheating husband's penis while he sleeps and it's fodder for jokes on late-night TV. What do you think would happen to a guy who cut off his wife's boobs? Would we be able to ac as if it were funny. (It's not funny; it's HILARIOUS!!!!!!!)

Hey, Sugar-Tits, you want to be equal to men? Fight for equal treatment when you are victimized AS LONG AS YOU ASK FOR EQUAL TREATMENT WHEN YOU FUCK UP!

Can't have it both ways, Honey. Choose.... Want to be equal or not?