yeah not what you think...im having a bad night...or just for the moment cuz i have a bottle here that says he wont allow all this bull shit to continue to fuck up my night. and im with him.

no just something happened this evening that kinda made me feel small and insignificant and it threw me back into my childhood. something i try to avoid seeing as how i didnt have the greatest...and not the worst either. we all have our stories but this is mine and ill cry if i want to.

so tonight i got left behind..not purposefully so they say but i find things like that hard to believe when the appointment was sent in advance and multiple relays during the day stated my excitement over the upcoming event. so saying "ohh i didnt mean too" doesnt really take the sharp edge off the cut of telling me you have something better to do.

theres your background to the the feeling im battling at the moment.

back when i was a kid my mom went through husbands...i dont know my dad im sure hes a nice guy or whatever. needless to say none of the men were ever MY dad so i wasent ever anyones "little girl" or "princess" or whatever. and most of them went out of their way to make sure i knew that. so ive never had that feeling of "im the apple of so and so's eye". and its always kinda been my monkey on my back.

yes yes most girls have daddy issues im not saying im original in any way... im venting.

so being told that "you forgot" me isnt anything new nor is it something that doesnt shatter me to pieces...its just part of my fucked up psyche.

back when i was 6 my second dad and father to my little brother told us he was going to take us to sea world in the morning. my brother and i were as excited as two kids could be...he is 2 years younger. we hardly slept and rushed through breakfast, jumped in the car buzzing with anticipation talking about what we were going to see..asking if we could do this or that...normal kid stuff. when we pull up to my grandmothers house (wow this is alot harder to write than i thought) my brothers dad gets me from the car and takes me to the front door. my grandmother answers and tells me to wait in the kitchen, i hear some strong words then the door close. turns out my brothers dad never had any intention of taking me to sea world. my amazing mema took care of me that day as she often did when my mom's men didnt want me around. i go used to it over the years but the feeling of being not part of anything and getting ditched seems to have stayed as a stinging feeling for all this time.

the last guy my mom was with before i moved out at the ripe age of 15 was a real class act. he is the father of my youngest brother (by 7years) my other brother moved back with his dad at this point so i was my moms only piece of luggage at this time. he would take to locking me in my room as soon as i was home from school, my dinner was served aftter the family had eaten, "family hug" was yelled but i was not to be included, and family trips were taken based upon when other friends of theirs could watch me while they were out of town.

and i know this isnt the proper forum for all this whining on my part but i had to let it out...the demon was becoming dark and hungry for me to give in. but now that i wrote this tiny bit of my life down i can move on understanding that i have a problem when people leave me behind and i know where it stems from. i think its why i read so much...my own personal pleasure that wont get up and leave.  it happens alot but i think its because i get used to it, kinda like when you break an arm or a leg or trust its easier to do it again. that part of me has a permanent fracture

what i did may seem wrong but its what had to be done...i was to be queen. it is what my race does to continue to thrive...it has gone on for centuries and centuries on end.

i couldnt help but to check on him after my transformation. the look in his eyes as he said "i love you" had burned into my mind i couldnt shake the feeling that i had hurt him too deeply. i would stare at him hanging in the dungeon and a fire of shame would race through my body. i did love him back, he had struck something very deeply inside me, and it pained me to see his head hang so low. as queen i made sure he was taken care of very gently compared to the others. i knew if he loved me completely i would die but i had to keep his hope alive, for if it left him i knew he would die. thats when i decided to take a risk, to give him a chance that if his wits were about him he could escape the island. but i have to admit that i hoped he would stay and hide on the island...knowing that if he left me i would be punished and turned back to my native state. it was far fetched but still i hoped.

my body was engulfed in fire as my unicorn state was taken from me, i screamed as i felt every part of me being ripped from itself. i passed out from pain as the horn was torn from my head. but nothing pained me more than knowing id never see cesar again. i knew he had left me. i laid in the grass beyond the whispers and tears of the elders crying for the loss of their queen. spoken in hush tones they argued how this could have happened? how are they to bow before a native queen? what can be done?

i wept in pain well into the night, until i heard footsteps approach, it was the oldest and therefore wisest of the unicorns. he rambled on about queens and kings of the past, of true love, but most of all...of options. my mind raced and i slept in the clearing until day broke over the mountain...i knew what had to be done.

the first order of business was to bring cesar back. i knew were he would run to, or at least i hoped. to my delight i was right and it only took a couple of weeks to have the authorities on his track. before the month was out he was being expedited back to unicorn island. my heart lept knowing that i would be able to look into his eyes once more.

but the eyes werent the same as they were, they were dark and filled with hurt, and hatred. worst of all i knew it was my fault. he plead with me to let him go he begged to be given freedom. i stood strong as queen before my race and told him that he was to be kept on the island. inside my heart broke at his tears and my eyes welled as i walked away....his screams torturing me as they took him.

it would be a week before i saw him again

i had him brought to my palace....although it was not my unicorn palace, i was not allowed to return to the sacred city until i could be returned to my unicorn state, or so i hoped. when i was finally alone with him. he would not speak to me or look in my direction. i plead with him, i told him all i had done for him. i laid before him all the pains i took to insure his escape. but it wasent until i told him of the process of being transformed back into a native that he glanced my direction. he hurt for me and i knew that he truly was the one, there was still a spark inside him.

the next part had to be relayed quickly , for if the guards were to return and over hear our conversation there would be no hope for either of us. unicorn law is strict and swift. in order for the unicorn queen to be released from here status she must be killed along side her "other". at this point cesar screamed that i 'just couldnt stop fucking him over could i...what next webb? how much more can you hurt one man?' i tried to explain that there was a way out of all of this but he would have to see me as just me...and that i would never hurt him again if he could just trust me. he laughed and called the guards to take him away.

as a native queen i was allotted only small amounts of privilege. for i was seen as a disgrace, and whispers of my hand being played in cesars escape were now being spoken aloud. i was in trouble and about to be killed along with cesar at the next harvest.

i would see him briefly being led to the pools to bathe, or to the fields to help the other natives plant and care for our harvest. my eyes would beg him to have mercy only to be shot down with his eyes so dark. i cried myself to sleep almost every night, until i had a visit late in the witching hour. it was the oldest unicorn. he told me of an opportunity i would have to be alone with cesar and that i must take it for i had to become unicorn queen again to bring order to the island. he told me that the bathing pools would be unmanned but secured by magic due to the ritual of the sun taking place. he handed me an amulet that would allow my passage. he left me and for the first time i slept.

the following day i watched from the woods as they led cesar to the bathing pools. his skin had tanned in the sun working the fields and i felt a warmth growing in me as he undressed, the guards left him and i took my moment. i waited for him to submerge fully before entering the pool myself. cesar had never seen me nude before this moment and i asked if i could join him. he was shocked and looked around asking "how i was able to get in? and where are the guards? what game was i playing now?" i told him no game and kissed him. it was amazing his lips were soft and full, he pushed me away for a moment and looked into my eyes, i whispered "i promise". and he pulled me into the pool kissing me deeply and passionately our bodies pressing hard into each other as he pulled me onto him. i cried as he kissed down my neck....this is all i had ever wanted. if this didnt work like the oldest unicorn had said then id be happy to die in this moment. we made love in the pool, cesar was strong and loving i was sure id never be this happy again. i whispered that we could be together forever now.

i had forgotten about the guards until ceaser pushed my head underwater. i held onto him as i heard him telling the guards that he just needed another minute , they yelled at him to hurry it up slave. i cringed at them calling him that, for if this all worked out he would be there king by the next morning. he pulled me up just bringing my face to the surface. he kissed me and whispered that he would do his best to visit me this evening.

my nerves were on edge and my ears would perk to each and every noise, i was worried about not being able to tell him before the transformation happened. finally i heard a very small tap on my window shutter, i snuck out the back and followed him to the edge of the woods. we kissed for what seemed like forever but i had to stop him so i could tell him our opportunity.

he was very quiet for awhile after i told him he could be king. he looked in my eyes and said "things would have to change, no more slaves for love, we will have to find another way" i nodded my head and he kissed me.