http://www.ebaumsworld.com/wyatt420 Latest media uploaded to eBaums World by wyatt420 en-us Wed, 03 Dec 2008 19:24:36 -0500 Wed, 03 Dec 2008 19:24:36 -0500 848046 Sun, 10 Aug 2008 15:34:39 -0400 Added: 2008-08-10 15:34:39
One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed. "Your a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked. "HA! Your lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said. The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed "MY ROLEX!" ]]> http://www.ebaumsworld.com/jokes/read/848046/ lol too funny One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed. "Your a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked. "HA! Your lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said. The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed "MY ROLEX!" 848023 Sun, 10 Aug 2008 15:29:52 -0400 Added: 2008-08-10 15:29:52
One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he noticed two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man. "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "Oh, come along with me then." the man from the limousine said excitedly. "But sir, I have a wife with two children!" "Bring them along! And you, come with us too!" he said to the other man. "But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered. "Bring them as well!" So, they all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a vehicle as large as the limousine. One of the poor fellows expressed his gratitude, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The rich man replied, "No, thank you... the grass at my place is about three feet tall and I could use the help!" ]]> http://www.ebaumsworld.com/jokes/read/848023/ 3 foot long grass One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he noticed two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man. "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "Oh, come along with me then." the man from the limousine said excitedly. "But sir, I have a wife with two children!" "Bring them along! And you, come with us too!" he said to the other man. "But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered. "Bring them as well!" So, they all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a vehicle as large as the limousine. One of the poor fellows expressed his gratitude, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The rich man replied, "No, thank you... the grass at my place is about three feet tall and I could use the help!" 848021 Sun, 10 Aug 2008 15:28:09 -0400 Added: 2008-08-10 15:28:09
One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. "Eighty dollars," the dentist says. "That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?" "Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an aesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60." Looking annoyed the man says, "That's still too expensive!" "Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20." "Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much." "Well," says the dentist, scratching his head, "if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10." "Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!" ]]> http://www.ebaumsworld.com/jokes/read/848021/ i luv my wife One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. "Eighty dollars," the dentist says. "That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?" "Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an aesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60." Looking annoyed the man says, "That's still too expensive!" "Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20." "Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much." "Well," says the dentist, scratching his head, "if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10." "Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!" 848011 Sun, 10 Aug 2008 15:25:35 -0400 Added: 2008-08-10 15:25:35
The class assignment in composition was to write about something unusual that happened during the past week. Little Irving got up to read his. "Papa fell in the well last week - " he began. "Good heavens," shrieked Mrs. Kroop, the teacher. "Is he all right now?" "He must be," said little Irving. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday." ]]> http://www.ebaumsworld.com/jokes/read/848011/ little ivran The class assignment in composition was to write about something unusual that happened during the past week. Little Irving got up to read his. "Papa fell in the well last week - " he began. "Good heavens," shrieked Mrs. Kroop, the teacher. "Is he all right now?" "He must be," said little Irving. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday." 771046 Fri, 18 Jul 2008 01:18:13 -0400 Added: 2008-07-18 01:18:13
What do fat chicks and bricks have in common? They both get laid by mexicans!!! ]]> http://www.ebaumsworld.com/jokes/read/771046/ dirty spicks What do fat chicks and bricks have in common? They both get laid by mexicans!!! 762286 Tue, 15 Jul 2008 21:59:47 -0400 Added: 2008-07-15 21:59:47
Three gay men were sitting in a bar drinking the one says "OH I just farted the other says me to the third a you hear is bbbpppppbbbpbp the other two look at him and say VIRGIN ]]> http://www.ebaumsworld.com/jokes/read/762286/ tho loose one tight Three gay men were sitting in a bar drinking the one says "OH I just farted the other says me to the third a you hear is bbbpppppbbbpbp the other two look at him and say VIRGIN 762201 Tue, 15 Jul 2008 21:56:21 -0400 Added: 2008-07-15 21:56:21
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. 3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke. 5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters. 6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. 7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. 8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. 9. Only in America......do we use the ]]> http://www.ebaumsworld.com/jokes/read/762201/ ONLY IN AMERICA 1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. 3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke. 5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters. 6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. 7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. 8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. 9. Only in America......do we use the 286329 Sat, 05 Apr 2008 18:11:07 -0400 Added: 2008-04-05 18:11:07
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My breasts are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal! ]]> http://www.ebaumsworld.com/jokes/read/286329/ old azz A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My breasts are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal! 286306 Sat, 05 Apr 2008 17:57:08 -0400 Added: 2008-04-05 17:57:08
Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it. You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it. Somebody hollers "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend hits the floor. If a tornado hits your home and causes $10,000 dollars worth of improvement. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey y'all watch this." You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia boss. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night. ]]> http://www.ebaumsworld.com/jokes/read/286306/ you might be a redneck if..... Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it. You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it. Somebody hollers "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend hits the floor. If a tornado hits your home and causes $10,000 dollars worth of improvement. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey y'all watch this." You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia boss. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night. 286293 Sat, 05 Apr 2008 17:52:40 -0400 Added: 2008-04-05 17:52:40
A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science. One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!" The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion." The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child." ]]> http://www.ebaumsworld.com/jokes/read/286293/ sheep sex A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science. One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!" The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion." The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child." 286282 Sat, 05 Apr 2008 17:49:54 -0400 Added: 2008-04-05 17:49:54
Some not too smart gangsters decide to rob a bank. the next day they get to work and are able to get into the bank relatively easy thanks to their planning. Once inside the main vault they discover one wall is full of safety deposit boxes and start to work on them immediately. They drill and pry open the first box only to find a small container of vanilla pudding inside. The Head Gangster says, "Okay, well, at least we can eat it." So they eat the pudding. They drill and pry open up the second safety deposit box and there sits another pudding. They decide to devour it too. Determined to find the goods, the process continues for the rest of the night until all the safety deposit boxes have been opened. They didn't find any money in any of the boxes. Disappointed the head gangster said, "Well, at least they left something for us to eat." The next day, while listening to the news they hear:"Yesterday the largest SPERM bank in the USA was robbed by an u ]]> http://www.ebaumsworld.com/jokes/read/286282/ pudding surprise Some not too smart gangsters decide to rob a bank. the next day they get to work and are able to get into the bank relatively easy thanks to their planning. Once inside the main vault they discover one wall is full of safety deposit boxes and start to work on them immediately. They drill and pry open the first box only to find a small container of vanilla pudding inside. The Head Gangster says, "Okay, well, at least we can eat it." So they eat the pudding. They drill and pry open up the second safety deposit box and there sits another pudding. They decide to devour it too. Determined to find the goods, the process continues for the rest of the night until all the safety deposit boxes have been opened. They didn't find any money in any of the boxes. Disappointed the head gangster said, "Well, at least they left something for us to eat." The next day, while listening to the news they hear:"Yesterday the largest SPERM bank in the USA was robbed by an u 286271 Sat, 05 Apr 2008 17:47:32 -0400 Added: 2008-04-05 17:47:32
One day, 3 men rushed their wives into the Emergency Room for labor. After a while, the doctor came out and said, "Mr. Smith, Mr. Smith, are you here?" "Yes doctor, im right here," he said anxiously. "Great news," explained the doctor, "Twins!" "Wow, thats great, because I work for the DoubleMint company." About 5 minuter later, the doctor came out and yelled, "Mr. Jones, Mr. Jones, are you hear?" "I'm right year Doc," he said. "Mr. Jones, great news, triplets!" "Spectacular!" he said. "Because I work for 3M." A while later, the doctor came out again and said, "Mr. Ford, Mr. Ford, are you here?" "Right here docta," he said. "Wonderful news! It's-" "Wait a minute!" the man said. "I ain't stickin' around for this! I work at the 7-11." ]]> http://www.ebaumsworld.com/jokes/read/286271/ toooo many kids One day, 3 men rushed their wives into the Emergency Room for labor. After a while, the doctor came out and said, "Mr. Smith, Mr. Smith, are you here?" "Yes doctor, im right here," he said anxiously. "Great news," explained the doctor, "Twins!" "Wow, thats great, because I work for the DoubleMint company." About 5 minuter later, the doctor came out and yelled, "Mr. Jones, Mr. Jones, are you hear?" "I'm right year Doc," he said. "Mr. Jones, great news, triplets!" "Spectacular!" he said. "Because I work for 3M." A while later, the doctor came out again and said, "Mr. Ford, Mr. Ford, are you here?" "Right here docta," he said. "Wonderful news! It's-" "Wait a minute!" the man said. "I ain't stickin' around for this! I work at the 7-11." 286260 Sat, 05 Apr 2008 17:46:02 -0400 Added: 2008-04-05 17:46:02
This guy goes to a super market and goes to isle 12 and asks for a box of condoms. The lady askes "what size" and the guy says "I don't know" so the lady askes him to pull down his pants. The lady tugs a few times and says "you need a box of x-large condoms". So this guy hears behind him and he asks for a box of condom's, and the lady says "what size" and the guy says I don't know. So the lady asks him to pull down his pants. The lady tugs a few time and says "get a box of medium condoms" So this teenager in isle 11 hears and wants some of the action. So he goes to isle 12 and asks "can I have a box of condoms" The lady asks "what size" and the teenage says "I don't know" So the lady asks him to pull down his pants . When he does, the lady tugs a few times, stands up and announces "Clean up in isle 12" ]]> http://www.ebaumsworld.com/jokes/read/286260/ cum over here This guy goes to a super market and goes to isle 12 and asks for a box of condoms. The lady askes "what size" and the guy says "I don't know" so the lady askes him to pull down his pants. The lady tugs a few times and says "you need a box of x-large condoms". So this guy hears behind him and he asks for a box of condom's, and the lady says "what size" and the guy says I don't know. So the lady asks him to pull down his pants. The lady tugs a few time and says "get a box of medium condoms" So this teenager in isle 11 hears and wants some of the action. So he goes to isle 12 and asks "can I have a box of condoms" The lady asks "what size" and the teenage says "I don't know" So the lady asks him to pull down his pants . When he does, the lady tugs a few times, stands up and announces "Clean up in isle 12" 285230 Fri, 04 Apr 2008 22:53:28 -0400 Added: 2008-04-04 22:53:28
Kidnappers are not very interested in you. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. No one expects you to run into a burning building. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?" People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. There's nothing left to learn the hard way. Things you buy now won't wear out. You can eat dinner at 4 p.m. You can live without sex (but not without glasses). You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. You sing along with the elevator music. Your eyes won't get much worse. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. . You can't remember who sent you this. ]]> http://www.ebaumsworld.com/jokes/read/285230/ when your over 70 Kidnappers are not very interested in you. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. No one expects you to run into a burning building. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?" People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. There's nothing left to learn the hard way. Things you buy now won't wear out. You can eat dinner at 4 p.m. You can live without sex (but not without glasses). You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. You sing along with the elevator music. Your eyes won't get much worse. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. . You can't remember who sent you this. 285191 Fri, 04 Apr 2008 22:40:02 -0400 Added: 2008-04-04 22:40:02
A man walks into a New York City bank and says he wants to borrow $2,000 for three weeks. The loan officer asks him what kind of collateral he has. The man says "I've got a Rolls Royce -- keep it until the loan is paid off -- here are the keys." The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gives the man $2,000. Three weeks later the man comes into the bank, pays back the $2,000 loan, plus $10 interest, and regains possession of the Rolls Royce. The loan officer asks him, "Sir, if I may ask, why would a man who drives a Rolls Royce need to borrow two thousand dollars?" The man answers, "I had to go to Europe for three weeks, and where else could I store a Rolls Royce for that long for ten dollars?" ]]> http://www.ebaumsworld.com/jokes/read/285191/ funny car and rich man joke A man walks into a New York City bank and says he wants to borrow $2,000 for three weeks. The loan officer asks him what kind of collateral he has. The man says "I've got a Rolls Royce -- keep it until the loan is paid off -- here are the keys." The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gives the man $2,000. Three weeks later the man comes into the bank, pays back the $2,000 loan, plus $10 interest, and regains possession of the Rolls Royce. The loan officer asks him, "Sir, if I may ask, why would a man who drives a Rolls Royce need to borrow two thousand dollars?" The man answers, "I had to go to Europe for three weeks, and where else could I store a Rolls Royce for that long for ten dollars?"