Today Red had made a promise to himself, he would leave his house. He was going to be a new man. No more masterbating every hour on the hour or making music over Windows sound recorder. Today was the day he would stop spending 98% of his day on Ebaumsworld and finally kick his dunk-a-roos habit which was getting out of hand. Red made a promise to himself that he would change his old ways and maybe go outside and do something with his life.

He was 58 years old and the last women's vagina he had saw was his mothers. That was 58 years ago, when Red was born. Yet the image of his mother's stretched vagina was clear in his head so that when his internet would go down, he still had a nice memory to jack off to in the shower. Red looked at himself in the mirror as he was ready to face the world for the first time since high school. The man Red saw had little differences from younger 18 year old Red. He was still fat, still had only one eye, and his teeth were still the color of the urine you see in public restroom toilets. The only difference is that he was no longer balding but was actually bald now. Red began to cry. He wished he could look like his favorite actor and idol, Jackie Chan. He wondered why god blessed Jackie Chan with good looks, nice hair, and two eyes.

Red sat back down on his bean bag chair. He was not yet ready to face the world. He opened up a fresh box of dunk-a-roos and began eating. Then Red got a knock on the door. He hustled to the door thinking this was god coming to fix his day and make up for giving Red such a terrible life. He whipped the door open and standing there was the UPS man. Red wondered what this man was doing here and then he remembered that he had ordered every single season of "Lost" on DVD. Red was overwhelmed with joy. He quickly signed his name and grabbed the box and ran to his bean bag chair. Red's luck had changed. Now he could spend the next week inside watching every episode of Lost while he ate his dunk-a-roos.

Red decided he would face the world next week.

This is not really a story, just an observation i made while sitting in the "audience" watching other people see the judge before me.

I had the pleasure of listening to about 25 peoples cases. Out of the 25, at least 20 of them had to be for marijuana. Ive never been to court before so im curious if this is very common in the courthouse that about 80% of the cases heard are for weed. Out of the 20 people, one guy had fuckin blue hair and was about 50. He should count at 5 people so 24 out of 25 were there for weed. Oh and one person who wasnt there for weed was chinese and we all know chinese people arent real so basically 24 out of 24 cases that went before me, were all for god's favorite plant.

I was there for drinking in public on St. Patricks Day. My public defender and the judge both laughed at me. I guess i shouldve just got high with the rest of the criminal world. 

If cigarettes didnt cause death the entire world, all ages and ethnicities would enjoy a nice cigarette once in a while. The blacks would enjoy their menthol packed newports while the cokeheads puffed on parliaments. Old men would enjoy their marlboro reds while the young kids would smoke marlboro smooths cause they taste like candy. Cigarettes just make you feel great.

A smoke after a meal? Nothing compares. "Nothing like a smoke after a meal" - Stand By Me reference for anyone who has seen that movie

Smoking while your drinking? Almost second nature. They go together like lamb and tunafish. Im not positive if thats the correct line from Big Daddy but ill stop quoting movies cause im annoying myself.

A smoke after sex? (Or jacking off in Rednotes case) Godlike. Smoking just enhances any and everything.

But everyone doesnt enjoy a wonderful smoke because of the shit side effects. It turns your skin into a shriveled ballsack, your lungs looks like Michael Jordans penis, and they are the worst thing you could do to yourself. This is why i have decided to quit and say goodbye to all the wonderful memories cigarettes have given me. That feeling you get when you buy a fresh pack and you just know you are going to smoke the living fuck out of each and every cigarette. Or all the homeless people who you charitibly gave a fresh cigarette to and just felt like you banged out your good deed for the week.

My reason for quitting my enjoyable hobby? Gods second greatest invention behind cigarettes, women. Or a woman in my case. Cigarettes and women have a lot in common. They are both great and make life better but will kill you. Its a known fact. Just like a cigarette gives you the satisfaction of feeling great a women makes you feel just as good when shes cooking you dinner or sucking your johnson. But with all those good feelings, cigarettes and women will fucking end you.

No im not sexist im just stating the cold hard facts. Women probably kill more men then cigarettes. So i replaced one vice for another. My chosen female doesnt like that i smoke and i like her more then cigarettes. Extra gay sounding i know but all men must give up something one day for their girl, whether its cigarettes, action figures, or your world of war craft account, you will give up something.

Just dont give up your dog. Dogs offer companionship that no human or cigarette can give. A dog will stick by you if you lose your job, lose a limb, or even lose your life. A dog will hop right in the fuckin casket with you.

Even if its still alive. That is fucking loyalty.

Four hours away, my friend and i had plenty of time to strategize and plan our attack. We were not going to lose because frankly we could not afford to lose. We both brought $500 and planned on turning it into at least $75,000. We were going to be rags to riches stories. Well that was the plan until we got there at least.

We walk in and the bright lights and noise hit us like a Randy Johnson fastball. Chills ran through my body with how much money i was going to walk out of this place with. Fuck the indians, i was taking all that reservation money. So we sit down at the roulette table and I throw $50 on red, my friend goes $50 on black. The satanic ball spins and spins, bobbles around and bit and lands on double fucking 00. We both lose. Not a good start. We lose another $50 each at the roulette table then decide to split up. I head to African American Jack, he heads to the poker room.

African American Jack is a joke i heard on a show a while back that gave me a laugh. So im playing blackjack and i put $200 on the table. After about 2 hands this guy who looked as if he rolled out of the depths of hell tosses $1500 on the table. Dont you just wish you had $1500 to blow on blackjack? cause thats exactly what happened to him, he lost it in about 15 minutes. So im hangin around staying about even and decide its time to make some moves. I sit out a hand and the dealer hits a blackjack. I put $100 each down for two hands and get dealt an 18 and a 19. I feel good until the dealer has an ace showing. She asks if i want to buy insurance and i look at her like "Bitch if you have blackjack you better have fucking life insurance cause the next time your kids see you its going to be in a coffin".She flips over blackjack. So i grab this bitch by her hair, slam her face down on the table, take out my prison shank, and stab her repeatedly. She dies and i get away because the indians only have bow and arrows to try and stop me and im too fucking quick and not handicapped to get shot by a bow and arrow.

Yeah that last bit didnt happen anywhere besides in my head.

I then go to the pokerroom with my last $150 where i lose a $300 hand with a queen high flush to a king high flush. The man was also in a wheel chair just to rub it in. That was the first time i lost something to a man in a wheel chair and let me tell you, its not a good feeling. I walked away though, rubbing in the fact that my legs work. I even put one leg on the table and tied my shoe before i left, just to show him whos boss.

I didnt mean that, i feel bad for people in wheel chairs. Just a joke.

My friend also blew all his money at the poker room. 1 hour later we were broke and heading on a 4 hour trip back home in complete silence. Gotta love the casino

That's right, the King of Kings is back. TiZZle. Everyones favorite dictator who goes into battle with his balls and his massive cock. Yes, i use my cock as a weapon. You can use anything as a weapon after sharpening it.

The highly anticipated, longly awaited return of the king has came.

TiZZle

So halloween is tomorrow. Oh joy. My buddy invited me to come up to his college and go to what hopefully is crazy, drunken mess of a college party. He also told me i need a costume. Fuck, That was my one word reaction. So i went and fucked the first girl i saw. I didnt but i was pissed. I thought i was done with costumes when i was 12 and dressed up as Adolf Hitler. But back to the story, i need a fuckin costume.

I head on over to the party city down the block. I hop in my truck and drive down the block. My heart is set on a gorilla suit because i feel that has long term value. I could  dress in it when i get hammered and throw shit at people. I mean literally, throw feces at people because Hey, im a fuckin gorilla. I get to the parking lot and you would think that party city was giving away the winning lottery numbers and rim jobs. The parking lot is about the size of a quarter of a football field and people are driving like theyre fuckin Dale Earnhardt. Not Dale Jr. the original Dale Sr. who didnt take no shit. The average speed in the parking lot is 95 mph. I somehow eventually get a spot.

I get out the car and people are just sprinting. Not little kids as expected, every motherfucker, young and old. When i get in i can barely move cause of all the people. They are making a complete fuckin mess of the store and the store manager looks like hes been through Vietnam. I dont blame the guy because i might rather go to Vietnam then this fuckin party city again.

I walk out within seconds because i feared for my life. Halloween at party city exposed just what fucking animals people can be. People were arguing and yelling, little kids were running around shitting themselves. Absolute fucking havoc.

Halloween blows.

The following blog was my second post here on ebaumsworld. The bloggers from te past found it pretty funny and the comments were all positive. Im posting this basicly to see what you people think and to see if the views from past bloggers differ from yours.

This story is 100% kind of true.

Theres this kid who lives down the block from me whose name is John. He is obsessed with the army so much that hes always in his backyard practicing and shit like rolling around on the ground with his toy gun.He only wears one type of clothes. Not nike or something normal like most 18 year olds, he only wears camoflauge. Hes been wearing camoflauge since he was probably born.Every time i see him, hes wearing camflauge head to toe. Even his fucking socks are camo. He did sign up for the marines so i cant say hes just a homo who practices drills in his backyard while his sisters kick his ass and rape him but hes still gay. He says things like "sup brah", "got heart problems but i still smoke.....weed and cigs", and shit along those lines.He says the type of things that make you just want to fucking rip this kids tongue out.You dont say like "Wow John get the fuck out here" or "John your a fuckin idiot", people just nod and say "Oh yea John". So John has fought this mexican black kid about 600 times.I am not exaggerating.They would fight about once a day, sometimes twice if they wanted to get in some extra. John lost every single time.There was even a time when John brought 2 of his friends and all 3 of them got there ass kicked. On that note, John has never won a fight. He was probably been in a world record amount of street fights but is about 0-1,000,000. It is pretty funny.He has actually never came close to winning a fight. My friend fought him one time and the fight consisted of John being thrown to the ground and just getting pummeled in the face. I told my friend chill your going to break his face, so my friend just unloaded on his ribs.Johns sisters later came at my friend with steak knives demanding some answers.His sisters would kick anyones ass in the world.They all got the fighting sperm and I guess that gene was left out for John. Well after fighting and getting his ass kicked 600 times by this kid D (i dont no his real name but thats what hes called) they become friends. Not just friends tho, like fuckin the best friends to ever strike the earth.They would walked around town together, smoke cigs together, fuck each other(just kidding but they may have), fuck deer together(this ones true) and just a whole bunch of shit good friends do. I guess they realized that after all of those times they fought, they never really got to no each other. So the kid D we find out was living in Johns backyard without John knowing. He basically set up camp underneath Johns porch in front of his house. Apparently D's parents kicked him out of the house after he punched a girl in the face. What a guy. Here comes the kicker to how fight 601 happens. I mean when i found this out, i basically died laughing. John one night decides hes going to do his special ops missions outside with his night vision goggles on. So hes outside rolling around like a fuckin retard when he gets to a bunker and he sees D. John is shocked but not surprised because as you know, they are great friends. But D is not sleeping and D is not alone.Hes not like with a girl or like one of Johns sisters or mom which would make this story funny yet a little normal.Nope D is outside and he is sucking Johns dogs dick. Now here comes the best part as if D sucking this kids dogs dick is not enough. Johns dog died about 3 months ago after it fell down the stairs.D must have dug the dog up and just decided what the fuck, i could go for some hot dog dick. So John sees this kid sucking his dead dogs dick in his backyard and is just in shock.Of course, they fight.Youd think that after seeing this kid blowing his dead dog that hed have enough fuel in his fire to win this time.He doesnt and John gets his ass kicked. D leaves and finds a new place to stay.

Its all true except how John catches D. I decided to spice up the story a little. But can you fucking imagine if this was all true. I mean holy fuck.

So ive stopped taking sleeping pills a.k.a. bong hits, before heading to bed and realized that falling asleep is nearly impossible which might explain why im up right now writing a blog. Yeah, fuck me right?

But anyways this brings me to a solid point my roomates and I concluded. My former roomate was a genius, he's like a plus size einstein and my friend whos still my roomate is a little on the helen keller side. So my smart friend says one night that he has trouble sleeping and he thinks its because he's always thinking because thats what smart people do, they think, i guess. I make a comment on his arrogance and the three of us continue watching tv. We're talking, joking around and all of a sudden my slower roomate is passed out snoring. Keep in mind its a little late and my living room isnt really big at all. Also, we were all just talking. In fact, i just got done laughing at one of my slow roomates jokes when i realized he was sleeping.

A thought then runs through my head about what my smart roomate said. I realize that he was 100% right. My slow roomate could fall asleep on fucking demand because he was never thinking. He never had a thought in his head or at least an intelligent, interesting one at least. He could fall asleep in a fire if he didnt think it would end up killing him.

This also i guess made me realize something else, im a fucking retard when i smoke weed according to this logic. Right now, not high, and cant sleep making me Issaic "The Cock" Newton. However, when i get high, i fall asleep in a matter of seconds making me dumb as shit.

So looks like any blogs around 11 or 12, dont expect much, they were written by a dumb shit who wanted a good nights sleep.

Farewell,

Your King.

Fuck platypus.

With an HIV + dick.

Does anybody else realize that us bloggers are the only original thing on ebaumsworld? This is a humor site most known for stealing media. Hell, ebaumsworld is so hated that they there is a website called ebaumsworldsucks.com. Any media found on ebaums can be found on break.com about a day before but there is one thing that gives ebaumsworld some credit, the blog section.

The blog section is the only original thing on ebaumsworld if you think about it. We arent stealing other sites shit but instead, just thinking of original, fucked up shit off the top of our heads to write about in hopes of either sparking a debate or making people laugh. So here is to all of you who make up the blog section, good job.

Ive got no fuckin clue why i sensed a need to blog about this and really feel regret that im going to hit the post buttton.

I live in an apartment so these people 4 groups of people live in the same building as me so not sure if you still call them neighbors but who gives a fuck anyways. There are 4 apartments and i occupy one. The other 3 are all basicaly fucked situations.

To my right, we got these 3 people in there 20's. First is the little leader kid. At first glance, you would think he was a homeless elf. He's about 5'1 and looks Rufus from Bumfights. Now Rufus was the fucking man but this kid, not so much. This kids clothes are as wrinkled as nancy reagans pussy and he smells like dead cats. Then you have this girl who looks like a little globe. She's like 5'3 and is nice and round. Like a bowling ball except i wouldnt stick my fingers anywhere near those holes. Her hair is like blond and i think it falling out. Bitch is kind of scary and looks like a crack addicted tiger. Then you have my personal favorite, the kid who is always wearing dragon button down shirts that are red and blue with chinese symbols and shit. He walks all hunched over and is like 6'1. His dragon shirts though fucking kill me. These are the shirts that 6 year olds wear after seeing a jackie chan movie. And he's like 26.

Above the "Three's Company" cast and to my upper right is a prostitute. Now she doesnt look to bad but you know that pussies been through a beating. Like its been beat with bats, tire irons, and black man cock. When im near her or walk by her i feel the sex coming off her. Part of me wants to grab her by the hair, smack her with a 20 dollar bill, and let her get to work with a blowjob but the other, smarter part knows that will come at the cost of my cock exploding from the battery acid i piss out the next morning. And the kicker to her apartment is she lives with two black homosexuals. Need i say more?

Above me and probably the most decent people in the complex, the illegals. God i dont know how many of them there are but everytime i see one of them, its a different person. But they are good fucking neighbors. One fixed my door and they turned the apartment into a fucking palace. They are always working. Everytime i see one of them hes dirty and has some sort of tool. The other night they were walking down with axes and tree trunks. They werent but one of these days it probably will. But theyre all nice people, all hundred ive seen so far were very polite.

The kicker to this is i live in a kind of rich area. The apartment is located on the busiest street on town with some expensive restaurants, bars, and just a bunch of shit you find in kind of rich neighborhoods.

To whoever feels like grading this wonderful essay, go ahead. Its just kind of weird you look into that shit cause really, who honestly gives a shit?