New York New York. Its a hell of a cold town!

Well, at least in Winter it is.

I had just set foot on American soil for the first time in my life only 3 days ago, leaving behind a blazing hot Aussie summer to go on a winter trip with my mate to Japan and the United States. I would have loved to assume that it was colder then normal, but no one around me seemed to give a shit. For fucks sake people! No one should live any where with a temperature below 0.

So my mate and I were crashing in Manhattan in what is known as the upper west side. We were a stones throw away from Central park, the museum of natural history, Columbus square and a lot of other regular tourist places.

Woopty fucking do!

We came here to get fucked up, fucked silly, and fucked hard by New Yorks cheap alcohol, drugs and women.

On our 3nd night in New York, with our jet-lag practically over, but our bodies being warped from excessive drinking and lack of sleep, the cold seemed to kick my mates immune system to death and he developed some crazy bronchial chest infection thing

that was leaving him coughing hes guts up, in terrible pain and unable to sleep due to hes sinuses going ballistic on him.

I couldnt stand to see him like that.........

So I got dressed and went to a bar.

Or what they call in New York a dive bar. To be honest I cant tell the difference but its a lot better to relax in and enjoy a drink in then a lot of other places in New York.

The first night we were in New York my friend and I hit up the bars in the area where all the uni students go called Soho or something dumb. We found the bar system in these places very formulaic. A lot of wanker uni students would go out in groups to these establishments, congregate as closely as possible to the bar, yell at each other over loud music and block people from getting to the bar to get drinks while heaps of tables all around the bar remained empty.

I dont know what that was all about, but it was nothing in comparison to how bad the meat packing district is.

The day before I left on my trip I had a friend call me who had just arrived back from New York raving about how it was awesome and how the meat packing district was amazing and women were mad as sluts.

Hearing this news my friend and I had spent our 2nd night in this area only to find it to be monopolized by semi-rich wankers of all sorts whose idea of a good time was standing in a packed room like sardines not being able to move while death staring at everyone you don't know and acting pompous as all fuck.

If there was enough room to actually bend over you could have seen the massive sticks up these people's asses.

But it didn't matter. I was out on my own in New York, feeling lazy and had heard word of a bar around the corner that was quiet, laid back and open till late.

Another thing I might mention... In Sydney, there are always venues in each area open till at least 6am. In most heavily populated areas there are venues open 24 hours a day. This whole 'closing time' thing was a foreign concept to me... iterally.

Upon entering the dive bar you find a row of seats lined up along the bar and booths all around the rest of the establishment. Meh. I'm getting lazier everyone second I'm in this country.... I'll sit at the bar to avoid getting up for next drink. Let's see if those uni fuckwits were onto something.

I think they were.

Within 20 minutes I had 2 gorgeous European girls on my right drinking their weight worth of cheap American alcohol in comparison to the Euro.

I had to get my mate down here.

Leaving 2 full beers infront of my seat and the one next to me, I imply im heading out for a cigarette where as I actually run back to the hotel, get up to my floor and bust in to the room my mate and I are staying in. This time he's not jerking off but actually sleeping.

Awww, he really must be sick.

"DUDE! GET THE FUCK UP! TWO GORGEOUS EUROPEANS ARE DOWN AT THE DIVE BAR! YOU NEED TO GET LAID! SEX CURES ALL OF LIFES CRUEL DISEASES.... except aids.....FUCK IT. WE CAN BANG 'EM IN HERE MAN"!

I see the life beginning to stir in my friend. He has American heritage and has been in this country plenty of times before.

He's been here, and done the girls before.....

But he's never been to Europe!

"Give me 10 minutes and i'll be down there with you".

Sweet as!

I fly out of the room, down to the lobby and run back to the bar. Now I am fucked. I am unfit, I smoke 40 cigarettes a day, I eat junk food like it's going out of fashion and the only thing I can count that I get as exercise is sex and masturbation. And the one I do the most only works out a specific part of my body.

Go my forearms!

Heaved over outside the bar and sucking in every ounce of breath that I can get, I look in to the watering hole and find a bar with alot of very empty seats along it.

Fuck! Yeah the sex has gone... but I feel bad for my mate and he's efforts for nothing.

Defeated, exhausted and on the verge of having the worst stitch of my life I slink back into the bar and collapse at my seat to begin imbibing the stil cold beers I'd left behind earlier.

Nothing left to do now but drink myself into a stupor like the good ol' teenage years.

Remember that? What the fuck were we thinking? Why did we actually believe it would be the biggest sexual turn on to a young inexperienced schoolgirl peer we had a crush on to drink far too many shots of bourbon, slur incomprehensibly at them while staring at their tits, stumble off from them to drain the lizard and then forget about them on your way back after being called into a bong session in a room only to spend the next 3 hours having an incoherent discussion with your mates about religion, society and war only to wonder the next day why she thinks your immature, and most importantly, why you actually think it was a FUCKING AWESOME PARTY DUUUDE and are doing it all over again next weekend!

Did ADD affect our libidos as teenagers?

Meh. Smoking pot is cool!

So, after a few more beers my slow but steady mate ended up joining me at the bar and had a lot of questions I didn't have good answers for. Well.... I had drunken answers.

"I dont know man. one minute.... it was like............ Fuck!........ you suck dude..... im blaming you for this one".

I think he still holds a grudge at me about that one and why it took him nearly 2 weeks before he actually became healthy again on the trip.

Anyway, now he was here he decided to join me in the drinking marathon..... And, always when you least expect it, so had some New York girl who had sidled up next to us at the bar during my drunken explanations to my friend.

To be honest, I can't remember how she joined in the conversation. I can't remember if she butted in, I can't remember if we were being loud and obnoxious and yelling at everyone in the bar, I can't remember if I pretended to spike her drink in a comedic drunken manner to break the ice that doesn't seem to go down to well with Americans.

Either way, we were conversing with a good looking New York chick who was by herself and having a good old time. Needless to say, my mate, whose manhood I continued to question on our journey, decided to call it a night after enough beers

and headed back to the hotel, leaving New York girl and I to continue our drunken conversation alone.

I know I remember that the conversation was interesting. I remember that the chick had the exact same interests in movies as me and that we spent a long time talking about our favourite writers, directors and actors. The conversation was so engrossing in fact that I completely tossed my desire for sex out the window and spoke with her for anoth