The Deevo25 hated other users getting features! The whole featuring process!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be that his head wasn't screwed on quite right.
It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his dick was two sizes too small.

But,
Whatever the reason,
It's heart or his shoes,
It stood there on eBaum's Eve, hating the aesir and all the other nonbolds too,
Staring down from his cave with a sour, Deevolish frown
At the warm lighted windows below in their town.
For it knew every eBaumer down in eBaumsworld beneath
Was busy now, uploading a video about teeth.

"And they're uploading stuff I wanted to post!" it snarled with a sneer.
"Tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his Deevo25 fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find a way to prevent features from coming!"
For, tomorrow, he knew...

...All the regulars, mods, and admins
Would wake up bright and early. They'd rush to see uploads!
And then! Oh, the features! Oh, the features! Features! Features! Features!
That's one thing it hated! The FEATURES! FEATURES! FEATURES! FEATURES!

Then the eBaumers, young and old, would sit down to watch.
And they'd watch! And they'd watch!
And they'd WATCH! WATCH! WATCH! WATCH!
They would start on lame reposts, and rare quality features
Which was something the Deevo couldn't stand more than teachers!

And THEN
Deevo25 retired to its cave to pretend silly pretentious things!
It would pretend grandeur things, like women and wedding rings.
It even desired to conquer this beautiful and delightful site,
Renaming it "Deevo2.5InchesWorld" he thought would be quite alright!