I was in a gas station because I needed a pack of Kool Kings. In line in front of me was a retarded midget. And I mean really retarded, as in mentally disabled. Now, I am lacking in every midget-appropriate social grace known to man. I have no idea how to behave when a midget, or otherwise tiny person, is nearby. I often confuse them with children and speak to them as such. Add retarded to the mix, and I'm outright socially crippled. Additionally, after all this time, I'm still not sure if this retarded midget was a girl or a boy, or a man or a woman. I am just going to refer to her as "her" because it's easier that way. Just keep in mind that she might have been a he. She had no hair. Just peach fuzz on top of her head. She appeared to have a cold, which was creating a mess of mucus on her face. She was attempting to purchase a Pepsi, but she was 48 cents short. I happened to be holding, in my hand, two quarters. She was fumbling around for a few minutes, trying to locate 48 cents, and I was standing be ... Read more ...

The past two months, my friend's been telling me about his problem that it burned when he peed. I've been telling him to go to a doctor and have it looked at but he was too embarrassed. I thought he got an STD from his girlfriend but he swears that she would never cheat on him and they've been sexing it up for that past 4 years.

He finally goes to the doctor, turns out he had a jalapeno seed lodged in his shaft. The funny thing about it all was that he was having unprotected anal sex with his gf for the past several months. 

Lesson of the day. . .never do your girl in the butt after she eats jalapenos.

Ingredients:

4 Tablespoons cake flour
4 Tablespoons sugar
2 Tablespoons cocoa
1 Egg
3 Tablespoons milk
3 Tablespoons oil
1 Mug

heres what you do....
Add dry ingredients to the mug, and mix well.
Crack an egg and add it to your mug. Be sure to mix it
well to avoid any pockets of flour in the corners.
Pour in the milk and oil and mix well.
Add the chocolate drops if youve got them, and a splash
of vanilla essence too.
Pop your mug into the microwave & zap for 3 minutes on
maximum power (1000watt).
Wait until the cake stops rising, and sets in the mug.
If necessary, run a knife around the sides of the mug, and
tip the still warm cake out of the mug and onto a saucer.

finished product will look like this

http://www.dizzy-dee.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/06/chocolate-cake-11.jpg

http://www.dizzy-dee.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/06 ... Read more ...

I've posted about my neighborhood kids before.

Most of the worst have moved away.

The one that will end up growing up to be a thug... I've tried to stay on good terms with.

I've worked on his minibike, and given him tools so he can work on it himself
when I'm not around.

Last week he came over for help, and I noticed a lump on his forehead.

I assumed it was an infected zit or something.

No big deal.

He mentioned he traded an iPod for a paintball gun.

Again, I'm on good terms with him so MY house doesn't get custom polka dots overnight.

And I'm sure the iPod was stolen to begin with.

whatever.

Today he came over. I asked if he had gotten into trouble with the paintball gun yet.

He said the police chased him and his friends in their car,
and another car. But they all got away.

He said they were shooting their paintball gun at this other car, ... Read more ...

Knock knock

Oh hi, how's it going? It's me! Every girl ever. I'm really looking forward to this date. I'm not nearly as attractive as you remember me being because when we met the bar was dark and you were drunk. Come on in.

Let's start off with the unavoidable tour of my incredibly typical post-college-girl apartment.

You'll notice that I went ahead and purchased everything that Ikea and Pier 1 have ever produced. There's my decorative birdcage over there even though I don't have a bird, and there's my gay wicker basket with bamboo poles in it. I don't know what the hell that's thing's all about, but I bought it.

Hey check it out, I have more candles in here than a Roman Catholic Church. Doesn't it smell like Hazelnut!? If I were to light all of my candles at once you could see my apartment from space! I fucking love candles!

Come on into the living room.

Oh, I see you met my cat there. That's "Freddy Paws Jr." Why don't you pet hi ... Read more ...