I think we all have our moments of stupidity. Sometimes, though, our moments of stupidity can cross over into the sexual realm, offering moments of hilarity that cannot be conceived of by the average bear.
I've jerked off with just about everything short of bits of glass and sandpaper. Don't bother trying to name other things I probably haven't spanked the Ramburgler with. You're probably right. But that's not the point of this post.
I've grown quite partial to using a bit of shaving cream to smack around my 21st digit whilst I'm in the shower. The good thing about shaving cream is how it stays slippery when wet, offering maximum lubage. It's glorious, I tell you. On top of that, you don't need a hell of a lot to stroke the meat puppet, so it's enjoyable AND economical.
Plus, I don't really use shaving cream for actual shaving. I go through disposable razors like a fiend, though.
But either way, it sure beats the looks I would get from my roommate if I walked ... Read more ...
GIRL: Hey....
ME: .....
GIRL: Hey!!
ME: Hm?
GIRL: Quit staring at my chest, asshole.
ME: I wasn't. I was staring at your collarbone.
GIRL: Oh come on! What kind of freak stares at collarbones!?
ME: The kind that likes breaking them.
GIRL: ........
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ME: Hi.
GIRL: Uh..... hi.
ME: Do you want to dance?
GIRL: Not with you.
ME: What?
GIRL: I said I don't want to dance with you.
ME: No, you misunderstood. I said, "your ass looks fat in those pants".
GIRL: Fuck off.
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ME: Can I buy you a drink?
GIRL: You can, it won't get you anywhere, though.
ME: Well, that's too bad. Is there something wrong with me?
GIRL: I only date older guys.
ME: I'm 23. You look 21 at most. What's the problem?
GIRL: Listen. I'm a mother. You're way too immature to understand what it's like being a parent.
Last weekend was my very first time ever going to a wedding.
"Matt, are you really that much of a shut-in? You're such a fucking faggot." You're probably saying to yourselves while doing something sweet.
But you're wrong. I'm not a shut-in. I've just never really had the opportunity to ever go to a wedding before. All of my cousins are about my age, give or take a few years, and it was only a matter of time before one of us finally got married. My older brother lives in San Francisco, so it's a little hard for him to meet women. The rest of my older cousins are engaged, so that leaves me, my little brother, and my younger cousins whose combined age equals roughly six or seven.
Even in my inexperience with weddings, though, I knew a few crucial things before I went:
1) It is always acceptable to get completely trashed at the open bar.
2) Don't ask for Schlitz at the open bar.
3) Don't ask for "whatever's free" after the open bar tells you that they don't ha ... Read more ...
