Its 3:50 am and I just got home from my sisters wedding reception. We partied all night and now here we are. I've already fucked my sisters best friends (yep, both of 'em) so I guess I've got nothing to talk about. Either way, I hate you all. So have a good night. I love all you eBaumsWorld members in a hateful kind of way. I'm wasted. Later, assholes.

I'm staying at my parents house this week because my apartment is being renovated.

My parents work every morning until the evening so during the day I pretty much have the house to myself.

I just woke up about an hour ago. Wearing just my boxers I got out of bed and walked up stairs to eat some delicious cheerios. As soon as I got upstairs I'm surrounded by 3 women. They're mildley attractive women maybe in their mid to late 20's. My parents failed to tell me that they hired some interior designers to change the layout of their shit. Its no big deal. I joke with them and say I must still be dreaming and we all share a laugh. They kept giggling while we were talking and I figured they just felt awkward since I was in my boxers.

I go into the laundry room and while I'm looking for something to wear I realize the dick-hole on my boxers is wide open. I threw on some pants and went back to where the girls were and gave them that look of, "ok i just realized...", and they burst out laughing. ... Read more ...

I found another hilarious entry on Craigslist:

RAVE: My cheating husband!!!

Date: 2006-03-11, 9:59PM PST

Ok, so I just found out that you've been writing about 25 emails a day to one of your female colleagues, all signed with the words "with bated breath". GREAT! You seem to have decided that bisexual vegetarians with questionable hair choices are more up your alley. WONDERFUL! Oh, did you say that she cares about your academic career, unlike me, who is always at work? Great! I'm such a bitch, aren't I, me with all of my work and bill paying. I'm glad that someone has the time to listen to you talk about postmodernism. That really takes a lot off my back. Actually, upon close inspection, it seems like this whole thing is taking a lot off my back. For example... Things I Don't Have to Do Anymore since You Have Found a Deeply Intellectual Fuck Buddy: 1. Pay your rent. 2. Get you through graduate school. 3. Hear the word "deconstruction" while I'm trying to eat a goddamn hamburger. 4. Fr ... Read more ...

10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.

9. Our love will never become cold and hollow Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.

8. I bought this Valentines card at the store In hopes that, later, youd be my whore.

7. This feels so good, it feels so right I just wish it wasnt $250 a night.

6. Youre a woman of style, youre a woman of class Especially when Im spanking, your big-round-fat ass.

5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished But now Im fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!

4. Through all the things that came to pass Our love has grown. . . but sos your ass.

3. Youre a honey. . . and youre a cutie I just wished you had J-Los booty.

2. I dont wanna be sappy or silly or corny So, right to the point, lets do it, Im horny!

1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister, you should check out the one that I gave to your sister!

My dad owns an auto shop and gave me some good advice one night after a pissy customer:

Me: May I help you?

Customer: Yes. I need my car inspected.

Me: Well, were not taking any more inspections this afternoon. May I schedule you for tomorrow?

Customer: No, I want my car inspected now.

Me: Im sorry, but we take in our last inspection at 4:00 so we have time to pack up and shut down the machine.

Customer: Yes, but I just bought my car from *** and they told me I could bring my car here to get inspected for free.

Me: Yes, they will pay for your inspection here, but were closing soon. Id be happy to schedule you an appointment for another day.

Customer: No! This is an outrage! At *** they told me I could bring in my car ANY TIME to be inspected here!

Me: Um well

Customer: I ... Read more ...