Adventures in Depression
I'm Jamie. I'm a jobless musician currently lying in bed naked at five in the morning, laptop sitting on my lap (ow, btw) and devoid of any will to sleep. This is likely because of a lack of melatonin in my brain, something which controls sleep regularity. For years, I've had this problem; I don't get tired at night, and I can't wake up in the morning. This was normal in my late teens/early twenties, because hell, that's what teens/early twenties do. Stay up and sleep in. Anyways, the older I got, the worse and worse this problem got. One day, I just spontaneously realized that on top of my fatigue, I was entirely ambivalent to everything. It went entirely beyond exhaustion, and turned into something else. All of a sudden, I had no will to do the things that I had to do, and didn't care about the things that I liked to do. It was like my soul just drifted off without saying goodbye properly. For a long time, I thought that i was just in a rut. I t ... Read more ...
DESCRIPTION OF A DREAM
I heard his heavy feet dragging up the stairs, his big stupid breath tripping over itself, thinking nobody else in the world had ears. I wish I could say that I didn't hear him until it was too late, but it would be a lie. At least then I could have had a chance to run, to make her run, to take the coward's way out and save two lives, instead of using my pride as an accessory to murder. Something in the way he approached didn't scare me, though; didn't strike me as something urgent. I was more curious, you see. I was more curious to see what this giant hunk of meat was capable of. What this living pushover, this yellow rotten, vile soul of a hangover would do in the face of forgiveness.
I heard his scarred hands (more like his handed scars) scrape against the door handle, twist it with all the eloquence of an elephant shitting, but still I stayed, still I didn't wake her, still I was unconcerned for some reason.
2:40.
I just had the most terrifying experience of my life. I just explored the unknown, a power so incredibly vast that no human mind can understand it, traveled through time, under my own creation.
I just had had a lucid dream, and it was fucking scary. I'm still not sure if I'm awake or not. Seriously. Everything seems in its right place, nothing seems odd, and I can control lights and read clocks. That is the key. I will always check lights from now on.
I can't remember how it started...But I CAN! Because I CREATED the whole fucking thing! This is nuts, this is weird...
It started tonight, less than half an hour ago. I finished reading a few chapters of Still life with Woodpecker, put it on my bedstand (actually a Fostex PM-04 studio monitor box) and "fell asleep". I'm sure this is the moment that it happened. I'm going to rifle through this as fast as possible so that I don't lose it.
Someone called me, wa ... Read more ...
