I now have a very rounded view of the pains of child birth. I was having a nice peaceful day I woke up checked some email and read some blogs. All of the sudden I felt a sharp pain so I of course go to the bathroom and sit upon my porcelain throne. I know the time is soon I prep up some paper I am a 4 square guy. I laid out 3 stacks of 4 and patiently waited.


Now moving along to what happened next. So things are moving along like usual then it hit me there was a problem. I realize I am in for a very long and rough labor so I start moving hoping to rock it and maybe break it up some or help it slide. That plan failed this is when I started a new plan to slowly push and let my birth canal get used to this prisoner trying to escape. That seemed to be working slowly I worked as pieces started to fall as they passed. The consistency of brown road gravel scratched and tore at my body painfully reminding me I would never be the same. This process failing I wiped my head sat back and took a break before the next part of my labor.



This is where it got really painful and made me actually start believing in Jesus and karma for a few minutes. My previous plans having failed I knew what had to be done and I was mentally preparing myself. I actually thought I should write a will in case there was complications with the birthing process. I decided not to I figured worse case I could go out like Elvis. So I gather up all my strength and power start shallow breathing and summoning my chi. Than in an awe inspiring veins in my head and neck popping out rage I push and die a little inside from the pain but it is finally out.



I slowly and carefully wipe the sweat, poop, and blood from my painful 45 minutes of labor thanking God, Jesus, and Mickey Mouse for making it through labor and I get up to take a look at my newly born child. I stare down at Timmy and try to figure out why I am so disappointed. I had to keep telling myself he was bigger or he broke up when he hit the bottom. Next thought I had was the pain was making my eyes play tricks on me I was in denial that something so small could make me think about believing in Jesus. Sadly in the end I stopped wondering how I got hurt and sent Timmy to the next world.


So now when women talk about child birth hurting so bad I will be able to sympathize myself after having little Timmy I know their pain. I went into that bathroom a confident happy man and left it a shaking empathic mess who even 5 hours later is still having pain sitting down. It feels like a girls soccer team just spent half a day kicking me in the pooper. I will miss Timmy he taught me so much about myself and life I just hope my story helps some of you.


Remember It only counts as a man shit if you bleed. This is Portolet signing off to go change my cold pack. Sorry about the length an inspiring true story takes some time to tell.