my cousin lives with me. well, actually hes my older cousin (27) and hes never had a real job, finished school, any type of responsibility, or even ever really grew up. he's pretty much frozen at the age of 15. he's a good guy and i love him, but he desperately needs to grow up.
anyway the best way i can describe my cousin is to liken him to a dog. now you have your guard dogs who protect property, you have your farm dogs who herd animals and chase away predators, you have your seeing eye dogs who help the blind, you even have your hunting dogs that help hunt down prey. then you have your show/ breeder dogs. these particular dogs are exceptionally stupid and useless except for one thing, looking pretty and breeding. thats all they do; hump, hump, hump, eat, shit, hump all fuckin day. then they pop out puppies that are sold and everyones happy, right?
well that description definetely encompasses my cousin. as lazy and unaccomplished as he is, women love him. i mean really love this guy. its the strangest thing, we go to a bar and without fail this guy goes home with some girl. sometimes multiples. his record from what ive seen is 3 seperate girls in the backseat of seperate cars in the same bar in one night. i dont know how he does it. im happy for him cause everybodies gotta have their talent i guess but sometimes, he takes it too far.
we have a group of friends we hang out with. out of that group, he is fucking 2 of the guys girlfriends and still being friendly with the guys. they have no idea of course, but the kicker is, the girls arwe sisters and know about each other. then last month, he had sex with a bride and her maids (yes, i said maids) of honor the night before the wedding while his girlfriend was downstairs. ive been telling him he needed to be careful and that eventually a karmic assfucking was bound to come his way but he laughed it off, until now...
last week we went to the bar, it was a night like any other night, jager, beer, music, and pool infused as always. when in walked a girl that i can only describe as strange. she was wearing a full length poodle skirt,with a leather vest, knitted stockings that looked like a christmas sweater on her legs, and moon boots. thats right people, moon boots just like in napoleon dynamite. right off the bat i could tell something wasnt right about this girl,she just seemed off. i tried to warn my cousin but she had big boobs and so he was off.
hours later when we all went back to my house (conveniently he tells girls its his house and that i live with him) i sat down and had a conversation with this girl. she was completely fucking nuts! not like crazy girl kinda nuts, i mean chewed her way out of her restraints kinda nuts. kept talking about the fairies in the forest and all kinds of weirs shit. so he takes her in his room and i go to bed. i of course locked my door bc if this chick nuts up in the middle of the night, i see no reason i should get my coin purse hacked off with a razor blade just because my cousin wants to get laid.
fast forward to tonite. my cousin goes to see his new fuck buddy that weve all dubbed affectionately "crazy tits". hes gone for awhile and comes back out of breath and shaken. apparently he told her he wasnt in the mood for sex, so what does she do? she say " i like mustard, and i like blowjobs!" she goes to the fridge, gets a bottle of mustard, pours it on his junk, and blows the guy. definetely a what the fuck moment. what possible correllation is their between mustard and blowjobs?
in addition to that, she started going through his phone calling random numbers and locks him in the house so he cant leave when he sees her. its only a matter of time before the crazy bitch cuts his balls off to add to her trophy collection, and im gonna be their with a sewing needle, thread, 2 pino pong balls, and a big fat 'i told you so'