Have you ever wished you could travel back in time and experience those awkward middle school dances with no booze, minimal mingling between the sexes and corny music? No? Well, for some enterprising person in Nashville, it’s a recently realized dream, thanks to the establishment of The Cove, a Christian nightclub aimed at young adults.

The Cove’s events are 18-plus, meaning no alcohol is available, although the Nashville Sweet Tea Company has a presence at their events, and specialty sodas are available. You know what they say: There ain’t no party like a Christian party because a Christian party is completely substance-free — even Jesus was fine with wine, guys, come on.

The Cove hosts a minimum of one club night a month, as well as smaller meetups and events throughout the month. Their next event is a blackout party on June 15th, and tickets are $30 each.

@haynza I went to a Christian nightclub (@The Cove) and here’s how it went ✝️ #fyp #foryou #christian #christiannightclub #christiancommunity #church #christianity #wholesome #christiantiktok #christianmusic #christiandance ♬ original sound - Haynza

The videos posted to the Cove’s Instagram go to great lengths to make their parties seem exciting, with videos about nights turning into “real life Step It Up” and featuring dance battles between attendees. It’s hard to imagine how exciting the parties can be when they primarily play Christian music, according to the club’s FAQs: “The DJ will be playing a mix of different Christian genres such as rap, rnb, afro beats and Latin music.”

Commenters from outside the club’s target demographic are also confused by the restrictions. One popular comment reads, “I’d do so much coke if I went they would have to scrape me off the sealing [sic],” while another says, “It’s giving homeschool prom.”

Yeah, basically.

I can see the appeal of these kinds of events for children who haven’t graduated high school yet and don’t have any other options, but for everyone else, there are better parties with better music and better vibes out there, and drinking or doing so much coke you’ll have to be scraped off the ceiling aren’t even mandatory to enjoy them.

Jesus hung out with sex workers and turned water into wine — would he really be against people having fun?