Dear PA Governor Tom Wolf,

I'm 22, live in Pennsylvania, and often like to use Tinder to meet new people for sexy time. Your state has determined in their latest guideline of COVID safe sex tips that my usual sexual habits of 8-10 sexual partners a week are not healthy for the current pandemic. Instead you are literally state recommending that us Chads migrate to OnlyFans for the time being.  

Here's my gripe, Tom Wolf: If the Pennsylvania Department of Health is saying that I should replace my usually cheap sexual encounters with a placeholder of pricey video/photo content, then pay for it.

I'm all about saving the world from the coronavirus, but with my horny disease, I can't just put a mask over it. I demand that every Pennsylvania citizen above the age of 18 be given a monthly $20 'Simpulus' (Simp + Stimulus. I'm very funny you know) credit to use on their favorite OnlyFans creator.

Your last bullet point is the most crucial to understand my point, "If you usually meet your sex partners online, consider taking a break from in-person dates. Video dates, sexting, subscription-based fan platforms, or chat rooms may be options for you."

Sure, I could take a break from banging broads and maybe dig out the ole frat fleshlight from Slugma Slugma Slugma, but think of all the Keystone eBaumers who aren't as 'gifted' as I am. Rhamble_Khron definitely uses Tinder. It would be unfair for the state to take away his monthly MILF episode without proper compensation.

If we are going to be subjugated to Orwellian guidelines such as "try to identify a consistent sexual partner", I need the lovely ladies of Harrisburg to give us our deserved cum coupons.

Until I receive my Simpulus check, I will only be jacking off to free porn instead. I'm gonna stimulate myself and not your economy. Think about what I said, Tom Wolf. I'm only 69% serious.