Reverend William's ad for Republican goddess

Let's face it, looking for love can be a very frustrating process. Sure, there's plenty of fish in the sea, but a quick browse-through of  Tinder and other dating apps shows that most of the fish out there are f***bois and THOTs. 

That's the kind of conundrum I imagine Reverend William - a conservative man of faith from the Los Angeles area - must've faced when he decided to take matters into his own hands and create a website to find a "Republican Goddess" to call his very own. Kind of like ChristianMingle, but focused specifically on one person.

Reverend William

Stone. Cold. FOX.

Upon arriving at the good Reverend's website (which is genuinely worth a visit), visitors will find that he is very up-front about what he's seeking - "a Republican Goddess for marriage." He's not out here trying to date around and cheat on you and break your heart. He's seeking a life partner, which is honestly something I can respect. Meeting my wife and somehow being lucky enough to have her say "yes" to marrying me has genuinely been one of the greatest blessings I've experienced, and is something I hope everyone finds someday.

Reverend William is also not particularly choosy when it comes to his potential partner's age. He's a sprightly 68 years old and is willing to consider anyone born between 1950-1995, i.e. between 25 and 70 years old. While that might seem like he's casting a pretty wide net, I'd like to think that in 2020 we live in a society that isn't going to be ageist towards two consenting adults who find love within each other's arms.

I am very demanding—in a good way that will make my Goddess-Wife-to-Be incredibly happy—beyond her wildest dreams—and keep her wildly happy for life!  I am flexible on many things. But there are some things I am not flexible on. I respect your time. Therefore, I will begin by asking you a series of eleven questions to see if you meet my inflexible requirements. If not, we'll say goodbye without a kiss.

The good reverend is a man of high standards.

Rev. William knows what he wants, so he's designed an 11-question quiz on his website that will separate the wheat from the chaff in his quest to find true love. I can't in good faith show you all of the questions, but here's a peek at the first one:

First question from Reverend William's 11-part compatibility quiz

Yes, that's right, the Reverend voted for Trump and he wants to know how you feel about him too. Just be aware that giving an incompatible answer will effectively end your session and lead you to a page that looks like this:

We are not a match. Thank you for your time.  Good luck to you!  Goodbye (no kiss)    (If you got here by mistake, click your back button!)

Womp womp.

If you give all the correct answers, you'll see the following video before being invited to advance further into the site where the Reverend reveals more about himself:

I was genuinely not expecting a gentleman who calls himself Reverend and has pretty strong conservative values to start talking about concepts like resonance and then going on to discuss Tantric partnership:

I am on a serious quest for a Republican Tantra Goddess. She is a fabulous, intensely passionate, emotionally mature, spiritually evolved woman of tremendous power and deep integrity. She is beautiful both outside and inside. As a Republican, she loves, trusts, and wholeheartedly supports President Trump. She knows her great and sacred value as a Goddess and seeks a man who is genuinely worthy of her spiritually, intellectually, emotionally, physically and sexually. As a Tantra Goddess, she longs with great intensity to completely surrender herself to him as he worships her in every moment, including worshiping her sexually and lifting her into prolonged states of exalted ecstasy. I want her to unite with me in an awesome romantic/sexual relationship leading to a magical marriage.

She and I will create a Divine Resonant Tantric Partnership through which we will uplift the lives of large numbers of people (I see millions globally). For many reasons, the time is right for this. First, incredibly positive political changes are happening right now in the United States (discussed in Topic 10: Politics). Second, after decades of profound spiritual/transformational inner work and intense outer worldly experience, I believe that I am finally ready for the Goddess I seek. Third, I am certain that she has been on a profound journey preparing herself for our union, and my sense is that our two journeys will converge at the divine perfect time. By the grace of God, she will soon be in my arms, and our magnificent partnership will begin. I created this personal website to help us find each other.

Clearly, the Reverend is a pretty open-minded guy! He also goes on to talk about his eagerness to give his partner pleasure, and I gotta say: that's legitimately pretty cool. Fellas, if you're not dedicated to giving your lady the pleasure she deserves, you're not making a strong case for being on the receiving end. You give, and you get (wink wink).

Reverand William

Smile! You're on Candid Camera!

Just in case you are having doubts about this whole thing (although, who WOULDN'T trust that kind face and playful smile?), the website also includes character testimonials from women who've known Reverend William over the years - some of them even Biblically!

Testimonials for Reverend William

Still interested? Well then, all you have to do now is fill out 29 more fields of information about yourself, including 5 relatively recent photos. All this information will then be vetted by the Reverend's assistant, who is apparently "an expert at spotting fake submissions" since the website tends to get a decent number of "fake submissions in the hopes of harassing me." Why someone would want to troll him is beyond me, but I guess there are all kinds of crazy people out there.

Honestly, when I first came across this website, I didn't know what the f*** to think about it. It seemed almost like a joke at first, but the further I got (sorry Reverend, in the interest of journalism I did bend the truth a bit to pass through the quiz section), the more I started to develop a sense of respect for this gentleman. 

Headshots of Reverend William

I say this in all sincerity: This guy f***s.

Is it kinda weird? Yes. Is it also oddly demanding for someone who's probably not exactly getting chased down to be a contestant on The Bachelor? Absolutely. But he knows what he wants, he's keenly aware of what's important to him, and he's not at all deceptive about any of it. That's actually a major win in today's dating scene, if the horror stories of my female friends are any indicator. 

So, from me and everyone else here at eBaum's, I sincerely hope he finds what he's looking for! Oh, and Reverend, if by some chance you're reading this - PLEASE write in to let us know how the search went. We'd genuinely appreciate some good news for once.