Giving out your phone number is a lot more dangerous than it used to be. In the olden days, the worst that could happen was a telemarketer interrupting your family dinner with a ringing landline. Now, you could get tracked by stalkers, have your information stolen, or worse. So instead of giving out your digits to someone you don’t trust and crossing your fingers, here are 8 other numbers you can offer up, and give them a nice surprise in the process.
15 year old me confronting my crush after being given the rejection hotline the day before pic.twitter.com/0rs4IDZsLw— Twist, occasionally Tanner (@Twist_Burr) December 9, 2020
The rejection hotline: 605 - 475 - 6968
Dating might be the most common reason we choose to share our number with strangers. Therefore, it’s also the easiest way to come in contact with creeps who won’t leave you alone. For that, there is the rejection hotline, which plays an automated message to let them down lightly. “Please take the hint and accept the fact that you are rejected. And then get over it. And please do your best to forget the person who gave you this number because trust us, they already forgot about you.” There’s even a 2.0 version that works for texts!
The Mary Sue rejection hotline: 646 - 926 - 6614
For those pesky suitors who won’t take no for an answer, a more aggressive rejection hotline is needed. This is where Mary Sue comes in, with a much more biting message. “Oh, hello there. If you hear this message, you have made a woman feel unsafe and/or disrespected. Please learn to take no for an answer and respect women’s emotional and physical autonomy.”
Rick Roll hotline: 248 - 434 - 5508
Feel the need to prank your buddy, or let someone down the hard way? Just give them this number that plays Rick Astley’s 1987 hit “Never Gonna Give You Up,” and let them wallow in self-pity with a glorious rickroll.
Keep an idiot entertained hotline: 401 - 285 - 2079
Do you have an idiot that you need to keep occupied for a while? This hotline should keep them busy for at least a few minutes by rambling on and on about nothing, and never getting to the point. Hopefully, they won’t realize the trick until they’ve listened to the whole thing. “We’re talking totally, and completely entertained. So much so that he or she won’t be doing anything else. Just sitting there, listening, completely captivated, their stupid little brains pleasantly preoccupied with something that nobody with an IQ over 20 would find remotely entertaining…”
Stop complaining hotline: 605 - 475 - 6973
This hotline exists for people who can’t seem to contextualize their petty complaints within the world’s bigger problems. After listing off some of those problems, the hotline makes its point. “The person who gave you this number wants you to keep all that in mind while you’re stressing out or complaining about whatever petty problems or insignificant issues you’ve been obsessing over lately.”
It could always suck more hotline: 605 - 475 - 6964
If you can’t get a complainer to stop by reminding them that there are bigger problems, like the previous number, perhaps you can remind them that their problems could be bigger. That’s what this pessimistic hotline does. “We’re here to provide the inspirational and uplifting reminder that it could always suck more.”
Bad Breath Notification: 605 - 475 - 6959
This may be the most useful of all the hotlines. Unlike the others, however, you might want to give this one out anonymously or leave it on display for the caller to find. Once they do, they’ll be greeted with a brutally honest message. “Hello. The person who gave you this phone number wants you to know that you have bad breath.” Hopefully, it will be enough to motivate them to change their oral hygiene habits.
Sex addiction intervention hotline: 605) - 475 - 6972
The all-time classic hotline prank is best used on a horny friend who can’t seem to keep it in his pants for girls in real life, or on the internet. Just tell him you found his crush’s number, and watch on as he learns he has a problem.