1. If lost, iPhone automatically replaces your dick pics with photos of you volunteering at a retirement home

2. Automatically texts your mom on Mother's Day

3. iPhone 5 will not be as good as iPhone 6, 7 or 10. 

4. May microwave your hand

5. Locks up when you attempt to drunk dial exes

6. Siri will now lie to you for your own good

7. Completely compatible with hook hands

8. If kept in pocket for too long, you may begin to refer to it as your "precious"

9. iPhone now able to find the G-Spot

10. Comes with Woody Harrelson’s phone number