Flash Fiction: Pepperpeanut and Macdreidel

Pepperpeanut was having a normal morning.  Until Macdreidel knocked on his door, that is.

"Come in," said Pepper.
Mac slowly walked in and said "we need to talk."
"What's up?" asked Pepper.
"We need to redesign the site," replied Mac.
"What the hell for?"
"It's all about the blog section."  Mac was slowly pacing back and forth as he spoke.
"Whoa whoa whoa.... It's NEVER been about the blog section," replied Pepper.  What the hell are you talking about?"
"I'm talking about the upcoming election in Syria, and the rebels vs the Syrian government."

Nothing was making sense to Pepper.  "What the hell does Syria have to do with Ebaums World?" he asked.
"I told you, it's the blog section.  It's how the rebels communicate with each other.  No one knows about it because the communications are encrypted."

"Wait a second!  I'm in charge around here, why wasn't I informed?" demanded Pepper.

Mac replied, "The CIA was working on a background investigation on you.  They weren't sure if you could be trusted.  They've finished your background check, and informed me that we can bring you into the loop."

Pepper's head was reeling.  "The CIA?"
"Yes.  And now you have a top secret security clearance.  And you're a CIA operative.  Usedcarman would have told you, but he was called away to a meeting in the white house situation room."

"Holy shit.  Which users are the Syrian rebels?" asked Pepper.
"Only a few of them.  Key players only, but most of the users are CIA operatives, and one is from the NSA.

"Who's from the NSA?" demanded Pepper.
"Majorfathead.  If you read some of his blogs and comments, you will see some veiled references to that."

Pepper thought for a moment.  "And who are the CIA Operatives?"

"Well, let's see," replied Mac.  "There's Letemdangle, he's the lead agent in charge of the whole operation.  He calls all the shots, which is why he writes so many blogs.  Then there's Deunanknute.  He's a highly trained assassin in charge of his own 'kill team.'  He specializes in bath salts.  We've lost a couple of operatives too.  Miles and Garadain haven't been seen or heard from in months.  We're afraid they might have been captured or killed in action."

"Who else?" asked Pepper.

Rednote67.  He's deep under cover and is masquerading as a mullah.  He specializes in neutralizing local trouble makers, also known as 'trolls' in CIA lingo."

"What about GIJoe?" asked Pepper.  "He seems like he would be someone who is involved in all this."

"No, GIJoe isn't a CIA operative.  He's a mercenary, and a very good one at that.  He once killed a couple of double katana wielding lesbian assassin ninja robots.  Everyone thought he died in that attack, but GIJoe is too much of a badass.  Never ever EVER piss him off.  No one knows exactly where he is.  Hell, he could be on your roof top right now and we'd never know it.  He works closely with Pascho, who is an expert at designing people's deaths and making them look like accidents."

Mac continued: "Then there's Tomlet, the linquist and middle east analyst.  He's the source of everyone's intelligence.  All those blogs about his divorce were actually encrypted messages to all the players.  Tyaeda is the usual sexy operative.  No normal man can resist her.  She uses her extreme hotness to lure bad guys to her bedroom, then kills them.  Crazy_Canuck is playing with fire, he just doesn't realize it.  Rumor has it that Tyaeda and GIJoe had a fling once."

"Then there's Sparks158.  He's actually a helicopter pilot running black ops.  He's the best in the military, and is the one who inserts and extracts Deunan's kill team.  His door gunner is Artman4444.  Artman has racked up thousands of confirmed kills.  Jamtoast is the most recent addition.  He specializes in apocalypse preparedness by designing various scenarios."

"The most important player is Fuzzy.  He's our IT guy who does all the encryption.  Without him, this operation wouldn't even exist."

Pepper thought about all this, then said "wait a sec, you mentioned a lot of users and their specialties.  What about neko?  Is he involved too?"

"Yes," replied Mac, "but unwittingly.  He's just a pawn."
"What are his specialties?" asked Pepper.

"Cross dressing and stirring up trouble."

"What about Andrewryan69?" asked Pepper.
"We think he may be a double agent," replied Mac.  "We're checking on him.  He may very well be the one responsible for the black plague epidemic, although it wasn't intentional.  His lack of personal hygiene is likely what caused it."

Pepper asked: "But why do we have to redesign the website?  What does a redesign have to do with any of this?"

"Simple," replied Mac.  "The corrupt Syrian government has been watching Ebaums World, and we think they may be close to cracking the encryption.  We have to redesign the site to make it as confusing as possible, to buy the rebels a little more time.  The future of Syria depends on this.  Can you do it Pepper?"

Pepper thought for a moment, then answered.

"Yes.  Yes I can, and I will.  I will make this the most confusing website in the history of the Internet!"

Pepper logged on to Ebaums World and began to type.  It would be a long day.  A long day indeed.
Uploaded 06/16/2012
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