Wanna know what hard work, dedication to the job, and a constant strive to better service provided to the community will earn you?

Apparently, a shitty calendar.

Let me re-phrase that: not just "a" shitty calendar...

"The" Shitty Calendar.

So here's the deal. We've been running this month-long competition at work that takes into account all things related to the job and (somehow) gives a weekly score based on said duties. Nobody really gave a shit, but it was HR's brainchild. "Increase workplace dedication and a sense of friendly competition"....or some similarily worded bullshit. Somehow, I think it was all just some douche psychology experiment, but I don't care enough to find out.

Yeah.....so anyway, the month-long competition ended this morning, and they had a slew of prizes to give to those who scored the highest. They had a mini-meeting in the conference room, a table of food....the whole nine yards. I figured this would be a perfect time to slip out and avoid the garbage display of mediocrity rewarding, so I took an early lunch.

I get back from lunch, and there's a package waiting at my work station. Apparently, I'd won the stupid competition! I tore into the box....admittedly a little excited at what might be inside.....and found my prize.

A puppy calendar.

No bullshit; an honest to piss puppy calendar. You should see it. A different pup for every month. Sometimes they're in a garden boot or a basket (depending on the month and stereotypical activities done during that month), sometimes they're playing in the grass or leaves, sometimes they're just sleeping. A puppy calendar. For first place. What the hell?? Crap prize aside,why was the box they put it in so big? It didn't need a box at all! Apparently, environmental impact wasn't a factor in the competition.

They paper-clipped a five dollar coupon to Tim Hortons on the front.....I don't drink coffee.....to make it seem less shitty. Somehow, it made it seem more shitty than just the made-for-a-ten-year-old-girl calendar. I was a little annoyed at the "gift" until a co-worked put everything in perspective for me. He said, "You think the first place prize is bad? What the hell did they give to the third place winner?"

Point taken.

So, I took my humble little puppy calendar home. I plan on giving it to my neighbour to give to his kid. (She's a ten year old girl who, I assume, likes puppies.) The coupon for Shit Hortons will probably get lost somewhere in the top of the fridge, or I'll let my kid play with it until it ends up a pile of torn scraps on the living room floor. As for the "satisfaction of winning", well, it wasn't a total write-off. Turns out the box they packed the calendar in is the exact size I need in order to pack away a few small picture frames that have been leaning against the basement wall.

Shitty....huh?

Thanks for reading,

-The Big Bad