It’s a weird, complicated case, and the proceedings crawled at the pace of a very slow animal. Like, say, a snail or something. But after being arrested a year ago with 51 live turtles in his pants, Canadian resident Kai Xu has officially pled guilty to smuggling in a Michigan federal court this Tuesday.

While snuggling turtles is perfectly legal, it turns out smuggling them is not. It’s illegal to export wildlife from the U.S. without a license from the government, and Mr. Xu faces a maximum penalty of 10 years in federal prison. Xu, 27, would order turtles online (like you do) and travel to the US to pick them up and ship them to China.

I just ordered the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on demand and it was a waste of five dollars. But according to assistant U.S. Attorney Sara Woodward, Mr. Xu “regularly deals in turtle shipments worth $30,000, $80,000 or $125,000.” Quite a shell game. “In China, the turtles he smuggles are worth two to three times the amount he pays here,” Woodward continued.

 Mr. Xu was caught with 41 live turtles strapped to his legs, and 10 more between his legs that were also somehow still alive. Species included eastern box turtles, red-eared sliders and diamondback terrapins, which can sell for up to $800.

According to court documents, “Special Agent (James) Fuller noticed irregularly shaped bulges under Xu’s sweatpants on both his legs,” yet he didn’t make an Asian dick joke because he is a professional.  Authorities were all like, is that an eastern box turtle in your pants? But Mr. Xu was not happy to see them.

Xu’s defense attorney Matt Borgula did not comment, probably because it is hard to comment when you can’t breathe from laughter.

Follow Mike Cella on Twitter @mikevcella