I barrel rolled out of my house to retrieve the morning paper and noticed a mother cat sitting near my mailbox. i was like "scat cat". the cat turned it's neck in a 180 degree angle to stare intently into my eyes and mocked me. i flipped it the bird and it bursted into tears. i felt bad for the pussy so i ran over and caressed it with my palm, he then tore at my skin furiously oh and he had rabies and i bled. a lot. i had one swift punt to the head of this feline foe and put it to sleep. FOREVER.

directly after that i went in to brush my teeth and go to bed, i thought i had rabies but it was just foam from the tooth paste. LMAO. but just then i heard a faint "mreow. mreow" i looked to my window seal and noticed the most adorable kitten i had ever seen ever before in my life. ever. the mother cat must have laid eggs before i kicked it straight to hell. i fed him a saucer of milk and now knew i had made this kitten my bitch, he followed me into my room, but then he started to wobble. i told him to knock it off and then the smartass took it literally and started knocking over all my earthly possessions like a boss.  i promptly told him he was the worse cat on the planet of earth and raised my foot, from which he replied with the saddest look i have seen produced from such a creature as himself, so i put my foot back in its sheath.

i went to sleep but then woke up at 3PM, only 4 hours after i had gone to sleep to see the kitten hovering over me in my canopy staring down at me with satan red eyes and lunged at me. i dodged it and ducked and dived and dipped and dodged all attack attempts, he then started spitting acid at me, i had to recollect my past experience of working in the CIA, so i pulled out a pair of night vision goggles, a crossbow, and a beret. i shot so many shots i lost count. 5 million. i gazed through the room and could only see bulletholes errywhere. then the cat batted my head from behind and started barking like a dog. i giggled at this because cats don't bark, which released me from my dream. then i awoke to see the kitten hovering over me in my canopy staring down at me with satan red eyes and lunged at me. i dodged it and ducked and dived and dipped and dodged all attack attempts, he then started spitting acid at me, i had to recollect my past experience of working in the CIA, so i pulled out a pair of night vision goggles, a crossbow, and a beret. i shot so many shots i lost count. 5 million. i gazed through the room and could only see bulletholes errywhere. then the cat batted my head from behind and started barking like a dog. then he threw me out the fucking window as to where i immediately died. that would have been the day where i finally asked out marianne from accounting.