First off, let me say that I know sweet dick all about duck farming. I don't own a farm, nor am I a duck, but I'll try my best to educate you fine folks on the finer points of duck farming. Here goes:

Rule one with duck farming: never, ever, get complacent with the ducks. Ducks are nature's craftiest and most cunning bird...or water fowl, whatever...and they'll not think twice about flapping you to death. My cousin was killed while working on a duck farm. Let's just say it had to be a closed casket for that funeral. He had bill-bruises and feather lascerations on over 110% of his body. (That's right...110%.) Take care when working around them. Now, I'm not saying don't go and make friends with the little buggers. Some ducks are decent, respectable creatures. But deep down in their ducky hearts beats the potential for a serial killer. I once read that ten ducks tracked, killed and consumed a water buffalo, then flew into town and fucked up a bunch of locals just for the thrill of it. A story like that's gotta be true.

Rule two: never, ever, feed them after midnight. (I may be confusing ducks with Mogwai....)

Rule three: Ducks enjoy music. It keeps the content and regular. (You do not want to see a conspitated duck...that shit ain't pretty.) Musical suggestions to play for the ducks are as follows: morning = light jazz ; afternoons = alt rock and mid-90s alternative ; evenings = straight-up Yanni. Ensure that music is not too loud, as ducks probably have ears somewhere on their body.

Rule four: Ducks are a lot like people; they have needs and urges. If a duck happens to mount your leg, its waaay easier to just sit back and let him finish. They tend to get pissed off and angry when you stop them mid-hump. Think of it this way: you can always buy new pants, but you'll never be able to buy a new windpipe. However, this rule does not apply to a potential lovin' of the neck or facial region. Stop these immediately. A duck penis is rigid and can break through most commercial grades of steel. Imagine what that would do to your vital bodily areas. If said occurence does happen, distract the duck with a handful of bread-crumbs or a well timed Donald-fucking-Mickey joke.

Rule five: When feeding ducks, be sure not to get your fingers or hand too close to that bill-thing they have. Much like 50% of Texan women, a duck may acciddently bite off your finger if you are holding food too close to their food-hole. I myself have employed the use of a reaching stick or illegal Mexican immigrants to do the feeding for me.

Rule six: To prevent escapes or fly-aways, make sure to tape the wings to the body each and every night. Do not chap out with store-brand tape, as it is not as effective. 

Rule seven: According to my friend Chad, who watches a crazy amount of nature shows, Ducks have the ability to hypnotize humans. Do not look them straight in the eye, lest you want to be "glimmered" by a duck. I suggest wearing sun-glasses at all times...even at night. (A tip I actually found in the liner notes of a Cory Heart CD. The man really knew ducks.) If you feel yourself being drawn into the control of a duck's mind, quickly start to think of things that will disgust a duck and make him break his hold over you. Thinking of Hillary Swank in "Boys Don't Cry" is an effective method for disguesting a duck. So is Hillary Swank in "Million Dollar Baby"...or "Freedom Writers"...or "The Core". Ducks hate Hillary Swank more than humans do, if you could imagine. Think of how much you yourself hate Hillary Swank. Now, multiply that by a thousand. Its a wonder she hasn't been the victim of a fly-by ducking yet.

Anyway, that's all for now. If you'd like to learn more about duck farming, please visit your local library. The have a ton of books on ducks...most of them factual and with pictures...for you to further educate yourself with.

Remember: when it comes to duck safety, be smart. They are dangerous, no two was about it. Anybody who treats ducks any other way surely is 'quackers'.

Fuck that's lame.

-The Big Bad