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Welfare Bums

If you're reading this right now, and you're on welfare.  Stop reading, get off your ass, and get a job!
If it were that easy, we wouldn't have anyone on welfare at all.. .but some people are so lazy, they're willing to put in effort so they can continue to be lazy.  
Being poor is a choice.  Most of these people have a problem respecting authority, and got fired from their jobs for insubordination.  To you uneducated welfare people - that means that you don't do what your boss tells you to do.  That's only if they had a job in the first place.  Most of these people grew up in welfare homes, so they learned how to cheat the system and steal tax payer money at a young age.  


I've got news for these folks.  There's a lot of politicians who think like I do, and are currently working on decreasing your handouts, and even abolishing them altogether.  Either you're going to have to find a job, or you'll have to find other ways to live an easy life.  There's always drug dealing... but that's too much like a job for some people.  Same with stealing, and trying to keep those prostitutes in line.  
So I've gathered a list of really easy ways to live, so you can keep being lazy, and not have a job.  (See, I'm willing to help the poor... I just want to pay $10 less on my taxes next year.)


1.  Getting rid of the cell phones.   The only reason you should have a phone is to call potential employers. Since you're not willing to do that, just get rid of the phone.   All you need to do is put dirt on your face, find a cup, sit on some sidewalk on a busy street, and people will give you their spare change.  You can use that change in a payphone.  There are still some around that work, you just have to look.   Then you can call up your fellow welfare moochers and talk about the other steps I'm about to mention. 


2. Cheaper food.  Did you know that wet cat food comes in cans that go for less than 50 cents?  I have more expensive tastes, but I've heard of a lot of elderly people who eat it all the time.  You should pay attention to the elderly - they're much wiser than us youth.   They also recycle kleenex too, by keeping it up their sleeves after they used it, which probably saves them $20 a year!   That's 40 cans of cat food!   If eating cat food is not your thing, you can use the cat food to lure stray cats from your neighborhood.  Wait until a fat one comes around, hit it over the head with something heavy and blunt (like the workboots you don't wear), and bam! Wild game meat!


3. Cheaper clothing.   You're probably fat, so it's not like appearances and fashion are really important to you or anything.  You could fish around in the clothing donation bins all over the place, but if you happen to live in a community that doesn't donate to the poor (the best kind of community), there are other ways.   I think garbage bags make a great alternative to clothing.  All you need to do is get an unused garbage bag, cut a half circle hole in the middle of the unopened end, cut the unopened corners off, and voila!  A new shirt!   It's black, which is slimming, waterproof for when you're walking to the payphone on a rainy day, and from a distance, it looks like pleather, which is very sexy.  There's plenty of style options too.  You can make the head hole a v-neck, you know, show some cleavage.  You can tie a bow at the bottom, and use the leftover plastic from the holes you cut to make a fancy hat or handbag.  Throw on a pair of ridiculous dollar store sunglasses and people will be mistaking you for Lady Gaga left and right!


4. Cheap Shelter.  Cardboard boxes seem to work well for the honorable poor who don't use welfare.  This only works if you live in a warm and dry climate though.  For those who want something a little more substantial, try an igloo in the winter, and mud hut in the summer.  Both are made the same way.  All you have to do is dig out one of those giant ice cream tubs that I know you have in your recycling right now, and use that as a mold for your bricks.  Fill it with snow / dirt, pack it in really good. Once filled, tip it upside down in the desired spot, tap the bottom, and slowly lift the tub off of the dirt/snow.  Keep doing this until you have an outline for a foundation. Remember to leave a gap for a doorway.   This is a really good activity for the kids, which is good, because everyone knows that welfare parents make their kids do all the work around the house. It's like building a giant sand castle, only this one won't get washed away, and you get to live in it!  Win-win!


5. Cheap drugs and alcohol.  Everyone knows that the main reason people are on welfare is to support their drug habit.  All they want to do is sit around high all the time, and a job would only get in the way of that.  Alcohol is the easy one.  Any mouthwash that doesn't say alcohol-free on the label, will likely get you drunk. Hand sanitiser is a great alternative to jello shots.  Drugs are a bit trickier. Smoking banana peels is said to get you high - but you don't buy fruit... that's for gays. Nutmeg is definitely for gays... it has the word "nut" in it.   There is however this new drug that all the kids on the native reserves are doing now.  It's called "Jenkim" and it's so easy to make.  All you need is a glass jar, a balloon, and your own poop.   I mean, you can use other people's poop, but every welfare person I've spoken to acts as though their shit doesn't stink, so it's probably better to use your own, or the shit from another welfare bum.  Take the jar (doesn't have to be clean) and take a sizable shit in it. The cat food you're eating should make this really easy to do.  Before any of the good stuff escapes, quickly stretch the balloon over the jar.  Take the jar outside and sit it in the sun to bake for a couple days.  You might want to have multiple jars going at the same time, in different stages, so you always have some ready to go.  After a couple days in the sun, the balloon should inflate. Once the desired amount is in the balloon, pinch the bottom of the balloon, and carefully take the balloon off the jar.   Still pinching the end, bring the balloon up to your mouth, release the pinch, and inhale the contents.  You're welcome fry bags!



6. Making extra cash.  So maybe you're too cool to live like a poor person.  The only thing worse in your mind than being poor, is actually working.  There's ways around that.   My first suggestion would be to play the lottery.  Tickets are like a buck, and you could win thousands, if not millions.  I know you're uneducated, and not that good at math, but turning a dollar into a million dollars is a great investment.  You might have heard that the odds of winning are really bad, but they're a hell of a lot better than your chances of waking up at 6am to go to work!  You've probably had a paper route, or baby sat as a kid... so seeing as you've had a job before, the chances of you winning the lottery are basically 100 percent.   (That means really good in math terms - 1000 percent is how sure that lady you slept with is about whether you're the daddy of her new baby... which you know is actually zero.  Don't let the differences between 100 and 1000 percent fool you.  100 percent is good, 1000 percent is bad)



7.  Saving for the holidays.   Jesus's birthday is coming up! And it just so happens to be on the same day as Christmas!  As a devout Catholic, I know that Jesus doesn't actually love everyone, he only loves God's children.  God is way too nice to let his children be poor, so basically poor people are the work of Satan. Just like sick people, and the retarded.  Santa, he comes down chimneys - not holes in mud huts and igloos.   If you weren't so high on mouthwash and your own farts, and went to church sometimes - you would know this already.  But I'm nice, I like to educate the less fortunate.   If you still want to celebrate Christmas as a demon, you can.  I think you should, because a lot of people give away free stuff this time of year, which is what welfare people are all about. So if you're still waiting to win the lottery, all you have to do is tell your family and friends that instead of buying gifts, you made donations to the less fortunate on their behalf.  What you don't need to tell them is that YOU'RE the less fortunate one you told them about.   

 Whatever you do, don't steal, or be a criminal.  I know things are going to be hard to adjust to once welfare is gone, because I know you don't want to change your life for the better, even for yourself.  That's why I'm willing to give each of you one pre-cut garbage bag shirt.  I'd rather pay for that, than an orange jump suit.  I'm also willing to shit in a few jars each day, as long as you provide the jar.  I'm doing what I can to help, but ultimately, I've never been lazy enough to demand welfare, so I don't truly know what it's like.  You best bet is to ask your local homeless people for advice. They have the experience and street knowledge that you'll need in the near future.  If not for advice, you should at least get to know your future neighbors. 




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