More Random Jokes
Monkerz
Published
01/16/2010
How do you make 4 year old cry twice?
After you pull it out, wipe it off on their teddy bear.
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A 52 year old man and a 10 year old boy are walking in the woods. The little boy turns to the man and says, "Mister, I'm scared." The man replies, "You're scared? I gotta walk out of here alone!"
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A man comes home from work to find most of his stuff on the front lawn, his girlfriend tossing stuff out the front door. He runs up to her an yells, "What the Starkville, baby? Why are you doing this?!" She replies, "Someone told me you were a pedophile!" The man turns to her and says, "Now where did an eight year old hear a word like that?"
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what's the difference between a Porsche and a dead hooker?
I don't have a Porsche in my garage.
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What's the difference between Simba and Obama? One is a African Lion and the other is a Lion African.
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A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says; "Thank you Mr. American for letting me into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care and a free education!"
The passerby says; "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America."
The person says; "I not American, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks farther and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says; "Thank you for wonderful America!"
That person puts up his hand and says; "I am from Middle East, I am not American."
He finally sees a nice lady and asks; "Are you an American?"
She says; "No, I am from Africa."
Puzzled, he asks her; "Where are all the Americans?"
The African lady checks her watch and says; "Probably at work."
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What did the leper say to his prostitute?
Keep the tip
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Son: "Dad, I got my first blow job!"
Dad: "How was it?"
Son: "It tasted weird."
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A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, ‘Are you allergic to anything?’
He answers ‘Yes – caffeine’.
‘Have you ever been in the service?’
‘Yes,’ he says. ‘I was in Iraq for two years.’
The interviewer says, ‘That will give you 5 extra points toward employment,’ and then asks, ‘Are you disabled in any way?
The guy says, ‘Yes …a bomb exploded near me and blew my testicles off.’
The interviewer tells the guy, ‘O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now.
Normal hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM.
You can start tomorrow at 10:00 – and plan on starting at 10 AM every day.’
The guy is puzzled and says, ‘If the hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM, why don’t you want me to be here before 10 AM?’ ‘
‘This is a government job,’ the interviewer says. ‘For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls, not really any point in you coming in for that.’
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A kid goes up to his father and says, "Hey, Pop, know how old I am today?"
His father says, "No...how old?"
He says, "I'm eleven!"
He goes into the kitchen and says to his grandmother, "Hey, Grandma, know how old I am today?"
She says, "Come closer..."
She unzips his jeans and reaches her thin, spotted arm down into his underwear.
She fondles his genitals for a few minutes and then she says, "You're eleven."
He says, "How could you tell?"
She says, "I heard you tell your father."
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This young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in a small town in West Texas.
He sits at the counter and notices an older cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of chili.
After about 15 minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks, "if you ain't goin' to eat that, mind if I do?"
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner states "Nah, go ahead."
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a rotten dead rat in the chili. He immediately pukes up the chili into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."
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After you pull it out, wipe it off on their teddy bear.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
A 52 year old man and a 10 year old boy are walking in the woods. The little boy turns to the man and says, "Mister, I'm scared." The man replies, "You're scared? I gotta walk out of here alone!"
------------------------------------------------------------------
A man comes home from work to find most of his stuff on the front lawn, his girlfriend tossing stuff out the front door. He runs up to her an yells, "What the Starkville, baby? Why are you doing this?!" She replies, "Someone told me you were a pedophile!" The man turns to her and says, "Now where did an eight year old hear a word like that?"
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what's the difference between a Porsche and a dead hooker?
I don't have a Porsche in my garage.
------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between Simba and Obama? One is a African Lion and the other is a Lion African.
------------------------------------------------------------------
A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says; "Thank you Mr. American for letting me into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care and a free education!"
The passerby says; "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America."
The person says; "I not American, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks farther and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says; "Thank you for wonderful America!"
That person puts up his hand and says; "I am from Middle East, I am not American."
He finally sees a nice lady and asks; "Are you an American?"
She says; "No, I am from Africa."
Puzzled, he asks her; "Where are all the Americans?"
The African lady checks her watch and says; "Probably at work."
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What did the leper say to his prostitute?
Keep the tip
-------------------------------------------------------------
Son: "Dad, I got my first blow job!"
Dad: "How was it?"
Son: "It tasted weird."
---------------------------------------------------------------
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, ‘Are you allergic to anything?’
He answers ‘Yes – caffeine’.
‘Have you ever been in the service?’
‘Yes,’ he says. ‘I was in Iraq for two years.’
The interviewer says, ‘That will give you 5 extra points toward employment,’ and then asks, ‘Are you disabled in any way?
The guy says, ‘Yes …a bomb exploded near me and blew my testicles off.’
The interviewer tells the guy, ‘O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now.
Normal hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM.
You can start tomorrow at 10:00 – and plan on starting at 10 AM every day.’
The guy is puzzled and says, ‘If the hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM, why don’t you want me to be here before 10 AM?’ ‘
‘This is a government job,’ the interviewer says. ‘For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls, not really any point in you coming in for that.’
------------------------------------------------------------------
A kid goes up to his father and says, "Hey, Pop, know how old I am today?"
His father says, "No...how old?"
He says, "I'm eleven!"
He goes into the kitchen and says to his grandmother, "Hey, Grandma, know how old I am today?"
She says, "Come closer..."
She unzips his jeans and reaches her thin, spotted arm down into his underwear.
She fondles his genitals for a few minutes and then she says, "You're eleven."
He says, "How could you tell?"
She says, "I heard you tell your father."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
This young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in a small town in West Texas.
He sits at the counter and notices an older cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of chili.
After about 15 minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks, "if you ain't goin' to eat that, mind if I do?"
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner states "Nah, go ahead."
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a rotten dead rat in the chili. He immediately pukes up the chili into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."
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