Hilarious One Liners From The Late Great Mitch Hedberg | eBaum's World

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Hilarious One Liners From The Late Great Mitch Hedberg

One of the greatest one-line standup comics of all time.

By Nathan Johnson

Published 9 years ago

One of the greatest one-line standup comics of all time.

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1
I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry, and you want 2,000 of something.

2
I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won’t fall down.

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3
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?

4
I saw a commercial for an above ground pool. It was 30 seconds long. You know why? Because that's the maximum amount of time you can depict yourself having fun in an above ground pool.

5
I remixed the remix. It was back to normal.

6
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

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7
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read.

8
It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

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9
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

10
This is what my friend said to me; he said, "Guess what I like? Mashed potatoes." It's like, "Dude. you gotta give me time to guess. If you're gonna quiz me, you must insert a pause in there."

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11
Dogs are forever in the push up position.

12
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

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13
Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.

14
I haven't slept for ten days because that would be too long.

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15
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so…yeah."

16
If I was on death row and given one last meal I would ask for a fortune cookie. "Come on 'long prosperous life!'"

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17
I saw a sheet lying on the floor; it must have been a ghost that had passed out… So I kicked it.

18
I went to a record store; they said they specialized in hard-to-find records. Nothing was alphabetized.

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19
In Venice, Italy they don't have streets, they have canals. So in Venice, we gotta keep the kids off the canals.

20
A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.

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21
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

22
A fly was very close to being called a "land," cause that's what they do half the time.

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23
I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket.

24
Whenever I go to shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving, so I say "I'm gonna go shave, too."

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25
I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry," so it died.

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hilarious examples comedian genius died the age due

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