“I clean pools and today I knocked a huge potted plant into the water.”

“Someone tried stealing this at work today. Now I have to put it all back.”

“Walking to my first job this morning with a fresh cup of coffee. That’s not cream, it’s a crow shit hole in one.”

“Well, this is unfortunate…”

“It’s me again, the guy who broke the oven door in his last day of tenancy. This time I accidentally burned down my parent’s outdoor kitchen by placing a still burning fire log (which I thought to be extinguished) on top of the rest of the firewood.”

“My manager dropped a 3 gallon bag of coffee creamer.”

“Just ordered 100 sandwich bags. Pencil for scale.”

“His XL crate arrived from eBay today.”

“Cable guy drills a hole in the side of house, into a closet, through a guitar case, and right through a Martin HD-28V..”

“Couldn’t figure out why my foot hurt. Turns out there’s an entire sewing needle lodged an inch deep that needs to be surgically removed….”

“Hit my septic tank lid with the lawnmower – now I have a portal to the stinky underworld.”

“I guess plumbing isn’t for everyone.”

“My friend forgot to check his underwear before putting it on.”

“It’s technically still Summer for another 13 days. Yet, in Colorado…”

“I only needed the 19mm. Didn’t even last 5min.”

“My… Toothbrush…”

“Was moving into my uni accommodation today and when I opened the door apparently someone already moved into my room.”

“I got this as my fortune few days after I got diagnosed with alopecia areata (bald spots)”

“Brought my headphones for a 14 hour drive and forgot my phone doesn’t have a headphone jack.”

“I told my Brother-in-law to pull from different boxes when installing the flooring.”

“Never changing this lightbulb again. Yes that’s a scorpion.”

“Ordered online and was sent only one right shoe. They “fixed” the issue by sending me two more right shoes.”

“A while back, I shared my pitiful attempt at frozen pizza. Today, I present to you, my friend’s pitiful attempt at a corn dog.”