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1. "Yes, I understand I haven't paid my credit card bill in 3 months. But why can't I use my card?" "Because you haven't paid your bill in 3 months." repeat
2. The ice dispenser broke at the fast food joint I used to work at. As a temporary fix while we waited for the repair guy to come take a look at it, we set out a giant serving bowl full of ice with tongs, so people could still ice their drinks. About 10 minutes after putting out the ice bowl, a customer comes up to me to complain that the machine isn't dispensing ice.
I tell him, "We know. A repair guy was called, but he's not here yet. In the meantime, there's a bowl next to the soda fountain, so you can still get ice."
The guy immediately gets an attitude about it. "How do I know that ice hasn't been sitting out there all day?"
I stare at him for a good few seconds before saying, "Because it's still solid."
"If left out at room temperature 'old ice' would just be water."
"I want to speak with your manager."
3. 'Would you like some jalapeños with your nachos?' 'No, I'm massively allergic. I could die.' 'Oh, then you shouldn't have any of this then, the cheese and salsa dips you asked for both contain jalapeños' 'Oh; don't worry. I'm not actually allergic. Just not a fan'.
You f*cking thundering bag of d*cks, I wasn't going to force them down your throat. Say 'no thanks' and we're done.
4. I worked at Borders Books and a lady at the info desk asked where are our BBQ's. When I told her we don't carry BBQ's she got very angry and said, "well you carry books on them, right? Why wouldn't you have them in stock?" I replied, "We have books on nuclear weapons but I don't keep those in stock either." I was written up later that day. B*tch...
5. Used to do tech support for Verizon and a lady called in yelling at me for shutting down her wifi.
Asked for her account info - she doesn't have an account.
Asked her why she called us then and she described the screen that shows up when you don't pay your bill.
She continued to adamantly claim she has no Verizon account and it is illegal for us to shut down her wifi because we don't own the air.
Finally helped her log into her router to get some info and pulled up an account with a different name on it.
She recognizes that name as her neighbor.
Spent the next while trying to get her to understand that she'd been using her neighbor's connection but the neighbor didn't pay the bill so there was nothing I could do. (probably not supposed to discuss the neighbor's billing issue without permission but I'd already told her that screen was from unpaid bills before we figured out it was her neighbor)
Don't think I ever got her to stop telling me I was violating her rights by not allowing her to use the WiFi in her own home...
That call happened to be randomly recorded for QA... My manager, entire team, and multiple training classes thereafter got a good laugh out of it...
6. I used to work in a store that sold stuff for getting organized and we carried step ladders for people who might be putting stuff up on high shelves. We had two different models which were completely identical except one had two steps, and the other had three steps. And the larger one cost like $5 more.
One night the store was completely dead when this guy walks in and asks if we have step ladders, so I show him the two choices. He asks all these questions about which one I think is better and whether I recommend one or the other and a bunch of other inane stuff and all I can tell him is that the ONLY difference is the extra step and about $5 in price. So the guy says, "Ok let me think about it for a minute." So I leave him to it.
He ponders this life-altering choice for an hour. He calls his wife to discuss it four times. After endless hemming and hawing he ends up not buying either one, and leaves us with the parting words, "I don't know. I think three steps may just be a little too much ladder for me."
I honestly don't know how someone that indecisive even manages to dress himself in the morning.
7. "Does this room go all the way to the back wall over there?"
She pointed a finger out towards the end of the shop-floor, past all the shelves and merchandise.
"That white wall? The one furthest away at the end of the room? Yes."
"That is part of the room too?"
"Yes, this room contains all of itself."
".... what the f*ck just happened?"
8. I work at an Italian place right now. We call our Italian menu items by Italian names with English descriptions. I get a lot of questions, but I don't mind a hair because I get paid to talk about food.
Not too long ago though it sort of went slapstick. It's not that they asked a dumb question, but they kept asking it. "Pollo e penne?" "Oh, that's chicken and pasta with..." "Does it have meat in it?" "The chicken pasta? Yes, pollo is Italian for chicken." "Can I get the chicken but not the pollo?" "Pollo is just Italian for chicken, if you want chicken it's really good..." "No, I like chicken but I don't want pollo." I kind of lost it for a split second.
9. Gas station.
"Hey, the bathroom door is locked. Can I get a key?"
"There's no key, if it's locked there's someone in there"
"How does it know?"
"How does... what... know... what?"
"How does the bathroom know someone is in there?"
"People.... people go in and then they lock the door while they're using it."
[5 second pause]
10. Ran a lawn mowing service. New customer asks about the process.
"Do you come to my house to mow it?"
No. We pick it up and haul it to our special mowing center then bring it back.
11. Not to me but I saw it happen to my coworker. I work at a fairly nice restaurant as a server. As with any restaurant we get cheap people who want things for free.
Couple comes in. Busy Friday night. They were sat at a table that had just been cleaned. They sit down, coworker comes out to say his greet. Before he gets a word out the guest begins flipping out. How dare they sit her at a dirty table. My friend has to actually move around the table to see a smudge from the light reflecting off it.
Woman is now irate that he offered to clean it instead of giving them a free appetizer.
She looks at him, 7pm on a Friday rush and says, "if you do not give us our entire meal for free, including alcohol, we're leaving." Keep in mind they haven't even ordered a beverage yet.
Coworker looks at them and says "then leave."
They then try to backtrack and say they want to see a manager. My friend said "no. Get out." And they left.
My friend has worked there for 10 years. Went right to the managers and told them, I backed up his story, we laughed
12. "My laptop won't turn on!"
"Did you plug it in and charge the battery?"
"NO! This is a laptop! It doesn't need to be plugged in!"
"Ma'am, the battery still needs to be charg..."
"LISTEN! This is a laptop!"
13. C: Can I keep these indoor plants outside?
M: Well, they are tropical plants and we live in Canada so they would be fine for the summer, but you would need to bring them inside during fall and winter.
C: Ok, but what will happen if I just leave them outside for winter?
M: ...They will die.
C: Ok, but what can I do to keep them alive?
14. Worked at a gas station. I watched a customer pull up, whip her door open and slam it against the large, shiny silver pole that protects cars form running into gas pumps. She then proceeds to furiously get out, scream with her head facing the heavens, and run into the gas station telling me I need to be more careful where I place those.
The thing has been cemented into the f*cking ground for over twenty years.
15. I used to work at Red Lobster. A lady asked me for suggestions on something healthy. I suggested grilled salmon. She promptly turned down the idea, saying she heard it was full of fat. She then ordered a fried seafood platter with double butter and sour cream for her baked potato and double ranch dressing for her salad.
16. I work at a hotel and I had a guest/customer call and inform me that his room did not have a bathroom and that he would need to be moved to one which did. I informed him of course that all of our rooms have bathrooms, and asked if he had checked the doors in the room. He had not..
17. "Your total comes to $32.23"
"I only have $20."
"Can I still have it?"
18. As a UPS driver
Customer: what's in the package?
Me: no idea you ordered it
19. Worked in a scooter repair shop. This customer was well known for being beyond stupid, every time we saw them.
This time, she had lost her keys. She had us pick up the scooter, cut her a new key, and came in to pick it up.
Walks in, pays, goes outside to drive home. Walks back inside.
Customer: “um, when I dropped my bike off, there were like.. a lot more keys on here..” holds up key ring
Coworker: “you had us pick up you scooter... because you lost. Your. Keys.”
Customer: eyes go wide after several seconds of confusion “oooohhhhhh thaaatsriiiigghht......!!”
we all stare at each other as she leaves, wondering how she functions in society
20. I made lentil soup for the kitchen I worked in as a teen, but I put the carrots in later than I should have and so they still had a slight crunch when the first customer bought a cup. He stormed back in after a few minutes and demanded his money back because he was going to get food poisoning from eating an uncooked carrot.
21. When the Nintendo DS was released with the Brain Training games we had several middle aged and older customers come in to buy the game but didn't own the Nintendo DS "No I don't want the Nintendo thing I just want the game." I started asking "What colour DS do you have?" to find out
After confirming she didn't own a DS, one lady told me "I used to work in sales, I know you're trying to upsell, it's not going to work."
Most of the time they thought they could put it in their computer somewhere or ask their children for help.
22. Had an argument with a customer that there is no such thing as a uppercase "5". So when he was typing in his email password, he was typing a "%" in his password instead of a "5".
23. C:"Your computer you sent me is broken, fix it!"
M: "We don't provide computers to anyone, this is (company name)."
C: "I got a computer from you guys to use for school 2 weeks ago. Give me a new one NOW."
M: "Where did you get it from?"
M: "What was the company name?"
C: "My god you are so annoying. I got it from (Different Company Name)."
M: "You'll want to contact them. This is (Company Name) and we don't provide computers."
C: Brief silence. "THIS IS YOUR FAULT." Hangs up
One of the dumbest calls I have ever had. Was a few years ago and glad I don't deal with those kind of people anymore.
24. Worked at a PF Chang's and had a guest order the hot and sour soup. She sent it back because it tasted sour. And just the other day best friend who works at a fried chicken place had somebody complain about being charged for extra sauce. My friend told him that it says clearly on the menu extra sauce costs extra and the guy angrily says "I shouldn't have to read the menu!"
25. I work at a hotel, a client walks in: "If I book a room, does it include the bed?" Like no Sir, we only provide you a chair so you can sit down and wait till check out time.
26. I work at a newspaper...and we accept payments for subscription over the phone.
This woman (older lady...probably 70+), after giving me her details so I can find her information and pull her account up, says she wants to make a payment by card.
I enter the information once, but the page refreshes on my computer and wipes the info. I then tell her "Could you repeat your card number please? My computer erased it for some reason"
She replies with "You're entering this on a computer?" Long pause. "Never mind I don't trust computers." She then hangs up the phone.
Like...do you think your card is magic orrrr........?