Donkey Kong wears a tie because that's how you get a real paying job at a construction site.

— Brian Altano (@agentbizzle) August 9, 2013

Thanks to porn, whenever a couple asks me to babysit, I never quite know what they are expecting

— Danielle Fernandez (@mydanimarie) November 11, 2012

When googling "Gary Oldman" I suggest not forgetting the "R"

— Jonathan Sadowski (@Sadowski23) February 2, 2013

hello, I'm Chris Hansen. Peach isn't here today, Mario, she's in another castle. why don't you put down that turtle shell and take a seat?

— Dave Dittell (@davedittell) July 3, 2013

People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.

— Jason Miller (@longwall26) September 26, 2012

if you're ever worried there's an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there's no one there

— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) March 5, 2013

"I love you" Bono's wife says as she curls into bed next to him. "I love U2" he replies and mutters "hahahahaha owned" as he falls asleep

— kmh (@Kalarlis) May 29, 2013

My Mexican waiter put my food down in front of another white lady who looked nothing like me. I get it now. Oh wait that's not my waiter.

— Adrienne Airhart (@craydrienne) March 21, 2013

How to be an upstairs neighbor: » Let a deer run free in your apt » Chase it around » Put it in a headlock » Tackle it to the floor » Repeat

— Zachary? (@GreenishDuck) April 24, 2013

haha ok son here's another riddle, what has 4 legs but isn't alive? "a chair haha duh, nice try mo— it's your dog. spot's dead billy

— 8 bit fox (@8bitf0x) June 11, 2013

He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who's a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary

— Sean Tejaratchi (@ShittingtonUK) January 9, 2013

*affixes a second leash to a hot babes dog while shes tying her shoe* would you look at that. we have the exact same dog. this is incredible

— Löwenäffchen (@Lowenaffchen) July 26, 2013

After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I've successfully installed Java. He hates me.

— Brian Essbe (@SortaBad) October 23, 2012

"Take Your Child to Work Day" must be awkward at the dildo factory.

— Toneloaf (@ToneLoaf) June 9, 2011

Did anyone else go into a furious, violent rage when they found out that George Lucas filmed most of Star Wars here on Earth?

— Sean and Oates (@SeanINCypress) April 3, 2011

I'm cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass.

— JerryThomas (@JerryThomas) December 15, 2009

WHOA HOLD UP GUYS HEAR THAT SIREN MUST MEAN A REMIX IS COMIN ON GET READY oh wait that's an ambulance oh shit someone died guys stop dancing

— Erica Rosie (@erica_rosie) July 1, 2012

New Parent Idea: 1. Take pictures of you pulling baby out of spacecraft in forest. 2. Hide pictures in attic for kid to find when he's 10.

— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) April 9, 2013

Burger King's full name was Burger Luther King Jr.

— Eli Braden (@EliBraden) January 16, 2012

"Smells fresh. Like a tropical island." "Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family's been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!"

— Trevor S (@trevso_electric) January 13, 2013

Whenever I see a girl with a hot boob, neat buttocks, cut hair, and a face with ALL THE MOVES I always wish I knew how to describe women.

— Eli Terry (@EliTerry) September 19, 2012

My new hero is the girl on the bus who, when told to smile by a creeper dude, propped up the corners of her mouth with both middle fingers.

— matt (@biorhythmist) June 5, 2013

There should be an "I'd rather die than attend this" option on Facebook invites

— Jake Weisman (@weismanjake) July 17, 2013

Damn girl are you sitting on an F5 key cos that ass is refreshing.

— Gavin (@gavinpivott) March 5, 2013

Cookie Monster delivering the eulogy at Bert's funeral. Head bowed low. Stillness. "Me want cookies," he sadly intones. "Me want cookies."

— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) March 23, 2013

give a man a fish adn he'll thamk u for his new pet. teach a man to take care of fish adn he wil be happey adn name his goldfish after u :)

— jomny sun (@jonnysun) April 28, 2013

If I was The Bachelor we'd all play Mario Kart for 8 weeks, then I'd pick the one with the biggest boobs

— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) February 20, 2013

Yo girl, are you a zero APR loan? Because I don't really understand your terms and you keep saying you have no interest.

— Simon Barrett (@Simon_Barrett) May 8, 2013

Once at church I opened my eyes during prayer and saw Jesus riding around on a wolf making sure everyone’s eyes were closed.

— Nathan Buckley (@duplicitron) August 21, 2013

Jenga is a great way to teach your kids about strategy, patience and 9/11

— Glenn Rockowitz (@justaride) April 7, 2013

How much Wu could a Wu Tang Clan if a Wu Tang could Clan Wu.

— Tyler Lemco (@tlemco) May 7, 2013

*checks email* *checks Twitter* *checks Facebook* *checks Instagram* *looks up at world for 9 seconds* *repeats for 60-70 years* *dies*

— Jen Statsky (@jenstatsky) June 7, 2013

Q: How many internet teens does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: FUKK U LOL TROLLED U LOL U MAD YEA U MAD LOLOLOLOL

— Sean Tejaratchi (@ShittingtonUK) July 6, 2013

I know my dad is looking down on me and smiling, because he just slam dunked on me and is hanging on the rim

— Brendan O'Hare (@brendohare) August 17, 2013

Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon

— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) July 12, 2013

I wish all the girls that wouldn't date me in high school knew how good my fantasy football team was.

— Spencer Hicks (@SpencerLenox) December 3, 2011

Filling your vagina full of Skittles right before your gynecology appointment is a great ice-breaker and shows your doctor you're super fun.

— PrincessCandyEmpire (@llvvzz) April 24, 2013

If the breakfast club took place now, all those kids would just silenty tweet about their shitty Saturday & never make friends w/ each other

— ChrisTrauma (@ChrisTrauma) June 14, 2012